I love you, it's that simple
by CCullen1978
Summary: It's been two months since the lust charm complicated Rose and Dimitri's hidden feelings for each other. Dimitri chooses to ignore Rose as much as possible, believing in the long run this course of action will make things easier on her. Little does he know the heartache she endures every time she sees him and how she desperately clings to the belief that he loves her too.
1. Chapter 1

**So, let me introduce myself. My name is Cindy and for many, many years, I shunned a Vampire Academy book that a friend of mine gave me because of my love for Twilight. Two weeks ago, I decided to try the first book. Needless to say I was immediately hooked. I went out the next morning, bought the rest of the series and fell asleep at work almost every day because I was literally almost reading throughout the night every night. I finished the entire series in four consecutive evenings.**

 **And so I've come to realize there's enough room in my heart for both Edward and Dimitri (lol), although I am kinda hooked on the Russian god at the moment. I've even downloaded a fan video of the movie and watched it like a million times. Is that weird behavior for a 37 year old? Probably. Do I care? Hell no! LOL**

 **So, here is my first shot at VA fanfic, although I've written some based on Twilight. I have no idea where this is going, I have no idea how long it's going to be, but I hope that whether it's three chapters or twenty, you'll enjoy my writing.**

 **So, that's about the longest A/N you'll ever get from me. Hope you enjoy this ride with me.**

 **Song for Chapter 1 –** **I don't know anything - Hope**

 _Color me blue I'm lost in you_

 _Don't know why I'm still waiting_

 _Many moons have come and gone_

 _Don't know why I'm still searching_

 _Don't know anything at all_

 _And who am I to say you love me_

 _I don't know anything at all_

 _And who am I to say you need me_

My back hits the training mat in the gym for the fourth time in a half an hour. I groan at the impact. Once or twice was okay but by the fourth time it kind of starts hurting and Eddie isn't exactly known for being gentle when it comes to sparring.

"That's four times, Hathaway," Eddie smiles victoriously as he offers me his hand, which I grip tightly and he pulls me up.

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it," I mumble as I stand back and ready myself for the next round.

We're both sweaty and out of breath. But while I've given my all physically for thirty minutes, my mind is somewhere else. I risk a glance to my right even though I know just seeing him will make my heart ache that much more. It's been two months since the lust charm. Two months of knowing he's hiding his true feelings for me. Two months of being all but ignored by the Guardian who holds my heart.

My eyes find him easily. I'm drawn to him, I sense him, just like I know he senses me. Our eyes meet for a split second and I barely have time to appreciate his beauty before a hard blow to my chest has my feet leaving the ground and I'm flung backward through the air. I close my eyes, bracing myself to hit the ground hard, but instead I find myself caught by Mason, who must have seen it coming. I'm vaguely aware that there's deathly silence in the gym. Fuck, everyone must have seen it.

I'm livid. Not wasting time and not even thanking Mason, I shrug out of his arms and stalk back over to Eddie, who has a smirk gracing his pretty face.

"Think that's funny Castile?" I ask with a smirk of my own as I lunge at him, angry not at him, but at myself for being caught off guard like that. But again, I miss as he sidesteps and turns as I pass him, his rigid forearm connecting hard with my upper back, almost sending me sprawling. I just manage to keep my balance.

Turning on Eddie again, I notice the rest of the Novices are all standing closer, watching how this plays out. Usually I would be on top of this, but not today.

"Rose, you're not yourself today," Eddie says softly so only I can hear. He seems worried as we circle each other closely. "Let's call it a day," he suggests.

I don't reply, rather striking and hitting my mark at last. He winces as I deliver a hard blow to his ribs but before I can comprehend he grabs my arm before I can retract it and twists me around, my back to his front, my arm painfully pulled up between us.

"Please Rose, I don't want to hurt you," Eddie begs at my ear.

What he doesn't understand is maybe I want to be hurt. Maybe lying in bed at night in physical pain gives me something other to think about than the longing in my heart that makes it difficult to breathe sometimes.

"You gonna say that to a Strigoi?" I taunt Eddie and as he lets my arm go and I turn back to him, I see whatever concern he had for me is gone. He's not going to hold back any longer.

For the next fifteen minutes we're on each other, striking, blocking, wrestling. I get in a couple of good blows and one particularly hard kick to his upper thigh, but it's obvious he has the upper hand this time. Try as I might, for some or other reason, today I can't think past the gaping hole in my chest. You would think over time the pain would recede. But it doesn't. It grows deeper and deeper every day, threatening to swallow me whole.

And that's exactly what it does…at least, long enough for Eddie to take a gap and catch me hard against my temple with a blow from his elbow, effectively knocking me to the ground. I'm too dazed to put up a fight as he straddles me, bringing his linked hands down with his imaginary stake.

"You're dead," he whispers cheekily before getting up, pulling me with him.

I stumble slightly and he grabs hold of me.

"Eddie," Mason says as he jogs over. "That was way out of line man," he says angrily. I sigh as I push Mason back, who looks like he's about to jump Eddie any second.

"No he wasn't," I say loud enough for everyone to hear. "This isn't play school, Mason. This is guardian training classes. You either bring it all to class, or you get handed your ass, it's as simple as that."

Mason looks like he's about to argue, but one look at my face tells him to shut it.

I turn to Eddie.

"Nice round, Castile," I smile, which makes the side of my head throb harder, making me wince for the hundredth time since we started sparring.

"Okay Novices, that's it for today. Hit the showers," I hear his voice echo slightly through the gym. It's not too loud, but it doesn't have to be. His voice commands attention every time he speaks. It enters my ears and ripples through my body, melting my resolve and chipping away at the remaining fragments of my heart.

"I'm here if you need to talk, Rose," Eddie says as he brushes his fingers over my temple in an apologetic gesture.

I don't answer him, I just nod. I'm tired. All I want to do is drag my sorry ass to the dorms for a shower, grab something to eat and hopefully catch a few hours' sleep before _he_ starts haunting my dreams.

I've long since realized that this is no school girl infatuation. It never was. And it isn't even about the short time we spent together under Victor's lust spell, even though I'll never regret it. I miss _him_. The side of him he never allowed anyone else to see. I miss the way he used to look at me when no one was watching. I miss our private training, which he managed to get cancelled. I miss the smile he seemed to reserve just for me. I miss just being… _us_ , whatever that might have been.

He admitted that Victor had been right. That he had feelings for me. And somewhere deep within the logical part of my brain I know his reasoning makes sense. How would we effectively protect Lissa if we allowed ourselves to love each other so deeply that nothing else mattered?

Yet how does one ignore love? How do you tell your heart to stop feeling? And he never admitted he loved me; he merely said that he couldn't allow himself to love me.

So who am I to say he loves me?

The guys all disappear to the locker rooms and I walk over to my gym back, grabbing my water bottle and taking a few gulps before putting it back. I zip my bag and throw it over my shoulder before I start walking towards the door.

"Rose."

Dimitri.

My stride falters. The way my name falls from his lips, like an angel sighing.

I falter, but I don't stop. I can't allow myself to turn around and face him. He's too close; I don't have to look around to know it, my body responds to his proximity without permission.

No, he made up his mind. No matter what he feels for me, he's never going to act on it. I have to respect that. But I also have to respect the way my heart breaks all over again every time I see him.

As I change my stride into a jog and rush through the gym door into the early evening air, I once again pray that my feelings for him will subside over time.

It has to…right?

 **If any of my Twilight readers are reading this, you know how I love reviews.**

 **To new readers: Please review. I love them, no matter what your opinion and I always always respond.**

 **See you in the next chapter. Have an awesome weekend.**


	2. Chapter 2

**First off, I want to thank each and every reader for their followings and fav's as well as every single review. I was absolutely blown away! I feel honored to have two amazing VA writers reading this as well…kinda nerve wracking, lol, but I can't begin to express how amazing that feels.**

 **Some of the reviews I've tried to respond to gives me a "Message Error 3", so if I haven't responded to your review, it isn't intentional, I keep going back in to see if it will allow me to respond, but still nothing. Anyone know what this means?**

 **So, onto Chapter 2…a little interaction between Rose & Dimitri…**

 **Song for Chapter 2 – Addicted by Kelly Clarkson**

 _It's like I can't breathe_

 _It's like I can't see anything_

 _Nothing but you_

 _I'm addicted to you_

 _It's like I can't think_

 _Without you interrupting me_

 _In my thoughts_

 _In my dreams_

 _You've taken over me_

 _It's like I'm not me_

 _It's like I'm not me_

… _ **Rose Dreaming…**_

"Kiss me," I beg, my voice needy and breathless.

Dimitri doesn't hesitate. As his fingers knot in my hair almost painfully he tilts my head upward towards him and then his mouth meets mine with such fiery passion it ignites every fiber of my being.

His tongue fights my own for dominance, and I let him have it. I allow him to possess me without a second thought.

He pulls away slightly, his lips inches from mine, my eyes locked in his chocolate brown gaze.

"Do you love me?" I ask, my voice filled with the desperate need I have to hear him say those words.

"Roza..."

… _ **Dream ends…**_

I jolt upright in my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. My breathing is labored, my body still humming from the touch of his lips.

I swing my legs off the bed but remain seated as I try to gather myself, although I know it's useless. Tired as I am, I know sleep will evade me now, my body shielding my heart from the dreams that follow me in the darkness.

Every single night without fail I dream of him. Sometimes we're in the gym, sometimes in his room. No matter where we are, its always the same. Me asking him if he loves me, and me waking before he answers. How I wish I could hear those words from his lips just once...if only in my dreams.

I get up, dress in my gym clothes, brush my hair and splash water on my face. I pull my hair back in a messy ponytail before making my way to the gym.

The Guardians on duty don't even bother to question my odd waking hours anymore. They've come to accept my silence and tear stricken face just as they accept the sun will set at the end of the day.

I don't bother with gloves today as I attack the the wooden dummy on the far side of the gym. The first few punches and kicks hurt like hell and I welcome it. After a while I don't feel anything anymore. I'm numb inside and out. I give it my all, like I should have done with Eddie. If I want to be appointed as Lissa's guardian I'm going to have to pull myself together. After my dismal performance today, I have a lot to prove.

I don't know how long I take my frustrations out on my unmoving opponent, but suddenly I'm gently pulled back. Instinct takes over and I twirl, striking out at whoever is behind me.

Not fast enough. Dimitri grabs my wrist easily and my body betrays me at his touch, whatever fight that was in me evaporates as all my senses concentrate on his hand still wrapped around my arm.

"Rose, what are you doing?" he asks, his soft voice filled with concern, accentuating his Russian accent that much more.

I pull away from him a little harder than I intend and I stumble slightly.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I ask sarcastically. My rudeness hurts him, I can see it in his eyes, but it's the only way I can protect myself.

I turn my back to him but as I ready myself to continue he grabs my arm and turns me to him again.

"What is your problem?" I ask angrily.

When I look up at him I notice the distress that was there has been replaced by anger far greater than my own.

" _This_ is my problem," he says as he pulls my fist up to my face, forcing me to look at my hand, which is covered in blood, ragged edges of ripped skin on my knuckles.

I pull away from him slowly and look down at my legs.

My yoga pants is torn on my shins, blood seeping through the light grey material.

Fuck, how long have I been at it? How did I not feel the pain that is now throbbing in my fists and legs, sooner?

"Rose..."

"No," I say as he reaches for me. I step back but my left knee gives in and I fall.

He kneels in front of me quickly. He's so close I can feel the heat radiating from his body.

"Let me help you," he begs but I stubbornly shake my head, the tears now coming fast and furious.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because..." I don't manage to get further before a sob slips through my pursed lips.

"Oh Rose," he sighs as he pulls me to him. I know I should pull away, I know this is going to make it so much worse, but I don't.

I latch onto him, my bloody fingers grabbing onto his duster and holding on for dear life.

His strong arms cradle me, his strength wraps around me, enveloping me in the safety of his embrace.

I cry. No, I sob. Heart wrenching sounds rip from my body and I don't try to stop them.

"What can I do...tell me what you need Rose." He sounds lost...helpless.

And even though I know I must look like a blubbering pathetic mess, I tilt my head up against his chest, getting lost in the warmth of his pain filled gaze.

"Kiss me," I say softly.

My mind is screaming at me to stop this madness. I'm very well aware that right here, in this moment, I'm reliving my dream in the real world. There's no way this will end any other way than me even more broken than what I already am.

For a millisecond it looks like he's going to pull away, his expression a mirror of his warring emotions.

But then he inches forward, his breath shallow and quick.

I close my eyes in anticipation, my lips slightly apart.

I expect his lips to touch mine softly, but then his fingers weave through my hair almost painfully and he crushes me against him, his lips feverishly claiming mine. His kiss is raw, animalistic even. It's a kiss that says 'I've thought about doing this every day'. It's a kiss that says 'I miss you…I want you'. I twist in his arms, my body instinctively seeking out his touch.

But just as fast as he pulled me to him, he wrenches his lips from mine with a heart breaking groan, pushing me off his lap lightly and in one swift move he gracefully jumps up and away from me, leaving me breathless and wanting.

I watch him carefully as he walks up and down at a fast pace...six steps...turn...six steps back.

Both his hands are in his raven hair, gripping, pulling. I can't see his face, his head is bowed.

My body jerks in fright as he throws his head back suddenly and lets out a deep growl that rushes through my veins and leaves me ice cold with its ferociousness. He turns on my wooden opponent and with one swift punch; he decapitates him, the crack of splitting wood echoing off the gym walls.

"Dimitri!" I shout as I rush at him, pulling at his arm with all my strength when he wants to go for the nonliving torso.

He turns on me; his big warm hands grip my shoulders, his brown eyes a shade darker than usual.

"Do you think this is easy for me Rose?" he asks hoarsely. "Do you think its easy for me to see you every day and act like you mean no more to me than any other Novice on campus? Do you think I don't see the hurt in your eyes every time you look at me, that I don't hate myself knowing I'm the reason for it?"

I'm momentarily stunned at his emotional outburst. Dimitri is always so composed, even in the face of danger, he never shows emotion. He shoves away from me lightly and puts some space between us, his breathing haggard, his hair slightly disheveled, his face anything but serene.

When he speaks again its almost a whisper.

"Every fucking time I close my eyes, all I see is you. I've long since given up trying to convince myself that I don't care for you. And then..." He shakes his head and approaches me again, taking my hands softly into his, bringing them up between us to chest height, his fingers lightly running over my blood stained knuckles. "Then I find you like this. Hurting yourself like this...it kills me Rose. It kills me that I can't tell you..."

His eyes find mine again as he looks up, our fingers still intertwined and words are not necessary to tell me that which is so blatantly on display in his loving gaze. Yet, I ask anyway.

"Tell me," I urge, my voice soft and small. "Please, I need you to say it."

He smiles a small dejected smile then and I want to cry at how beautifully damaged he seems in that moment.

"What good would it do?" he asks bitterly. "There's nothing we can do about it. Admitting it will only make this more real, Rose. It will only hurt that much more."

I stare at him for the longest moment before I pull my hands from his but I keep my stance.

"Whether you say it or not, Comrade, it doesn't make this any less than what it is. I hate feeling like this," I admit. "This constant pain in my chest that just won't go away. I hate feeling this weak..."

He shakes his his quickly, interrupting me. "You're anything but weak," he says forcefully.

I laugh at him softly. "I am Dimitri. You saw me with Eddie. I can't concentrate on anything. If I'm not strong enough to handle a little heartbreak, how the hell am I going to be strong enough to protect Lissa when I have to?"

"Rose...you know it's different. You just have to find a way to work through it, train hard, work at getting back to where you used to be."

"Is that how easy it is for you?" I ask harshly, even though he didn't in the slightest way mean anything condescending by saying what he said.

I take a few steps back; my defenses back up, solid and safe.

"Is it that easy for you to switch off your emotions? I'm not a fucking robot Dimitri. I can't just stop feeling what I feel for you."

He steps toward me but I retreat as I wrap my arms around my waist, trying to keep myself from physically falling apart.

"I long for you," I confess, trying to put blame and force behind my words but it comes out sounding pitifully sad. "Every waking moment, even in my sleep. I'm trying; don't think for one second that I'm not. But no matter what I do, you're all I see."

I turn then and start towards the exit, my left leg again threatening to give way, but I force myself to keep limping with my head held high. He doesn't try to follow me.

I don't plan on saying anything else, but I turn to him just before walking out.

His eyes are filled with so much tenderness and love that I almost keep quiet, but the words slip out anyway.

"I love you," I whisper. I know he hears me because the longing in his eyes becomes profoundly more intense. "Whatever happens, just remember...at least I was brave enough to say it."

I leave him standing alone...but not before I see a single tear leave his eye as I turn my back on him.

 **My heart is breaking for them right now. This is going to be a slow burn. I'm well known for angst and dramatics, lol.**

 **Hope to receive more reviews and I really hope someone can shed some light on the error message so that I can respond to each and every one.**

 **Thank you for reading, see you in chapter 3…**


	3. Chapter 3

**I waited to post so I could respond to reviews first. Your support is amazing! Thank you so very much.**

 **Some viewers have asked me nor to abandon so I'd like to mention that I never abandon a story, not ever, so rest assured!**

 **I wasn't planning on any Dimitri POV's, but he's kinda nagging to be heard so this chapter is all his. I'm sure he'll want to voice his opinions again during our journey, which is necessary sometimes.**

 **Song for Chapter 3 – Trying not to love you by Nickelback**

 _You call to me, and I fall at your feet  
How could anyone ask for more?  
And our time apart, like knives in my heart  
How could anyone ask for more?_

 _But if there's a pill to help me forget,_  
 _God knows I haven't found it yet_  
 _But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to_

' _Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far_  
 _And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart_  
 _Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor_  
 _And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for_  
 _'Cause trying not to love you_  
 _Only makes me love you more_  
 _Only makes me love you more_

 _And this kind of pain, only time takes away_  
 _That's why it's harder to let you go_  
 _And nothing I can do, without thinking of you_  
 _That's why it's harder to let you go_

 _But if there's a pill to help me forget,_  
 _God knows I haven't found it yet_  
 _But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to_

 _'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far_  
 _Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart_  
 _Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor_  
 _And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for_  
 _'Cause trying not to love you_  
 _Only makes me love you more_

I watch silently as Rose limps from the gym, mentally shrugging the dull ache in my fist. My heart is screaming for me to follow her, my emotions flooding my chest so I can't breathe. Yet I stay still, forcing myself to leave her be.

I've never been ruled by my emotions and I can't allow myself to go down that route now. There's a reason why I'm currently the best Guardian around. I don't allow myself to feel, I don't allow myself to get involved. I'm driven, focused and I'm damn good at what I do.

Damn lust spell! If it wasn't for Victor, Rose would be oblivious to my feelings. I'm good at hiding what I don't want others to know. I've been doing it for years. She would have gotten over this so much easier if she thought I didn't feel anything for her.

But the damage was done the moment she walked into my room. I close my eyes as I do so many times, picturing her flushed skin, her warm hands on my shoulders, her eyes filled with desire locked with mine as we kiss.

I pull myself out of my thoughts as I shake my head. I'm still on duty so I start making my way down my usual route.

I've tried so hard to ignore the pull between Rose and me but it's getting harder and harder. After seeing her tonight…what she's doing to herself. She's always been so strong, so full of life, always on hand to make someone smile when they're down or stand up for those she loves. But not anymore. I watch her closely. How she's distancing herself more and more from the people who care about her. I've overheard countless fights between her and the Princess because Rose doesn't want to admit that there's something wrong, although it is so clear to see. Every day I see her she seems worse. I've stayed away from her, believing time would help her forget just how much she feels for me, but tonight has proven to me it's only getting worse.

I kick a rock flying into the forest, frustration running through my veins. She knows I love her. I know she sees it when I look at her. My aloof attitude might hide my true feelings, but I can't look at her in any other way than with the love I have for her in my heart. She's not asking for much, just three little words. Why can't I just fucking say it to her?

Because our love will ruin us, I remind myself. I can't care less anymore what people say about me but I won't taint her life any more than I have. Even if we keep it hidden until she's graduated, what life is there for us? There's no guarantee we'll be placed close to each other; how will we survive not seeing each other for maybe years at a time? She's had her heart set on guarding the Princess since the car accident; it has been her sole drive for existing. Not just because we're ingrained to protect Moroi; she's her best friend, and their bond keeps her safer with Rose than with anyone else. How can I be so selfish to allow our love for each other to undermine her goals?

Running footsteps to my left has me momentarily forget my problems and my senses go on high alert as I turn towards the sound. But I straighten from my crouch as soon as I see who it is, walking swiftly towards her, pissed off that she's alone.

"Princess," I admonish sternly, trying to keep my tone as professional as I can. "How did you get out here on your own?" I ask as I look behind her for any sign of her appointed two guards following her, but there is no other movement.

"I compelled them," she answers simply, her long golden hair loose and wind swept around her face.

"Why would you do that?" I ask agitated. "You know better than that."

"Oh for God's sake, Guardian Belikov," she says angrily as she leans against a tree with her shoulder. "For one fucking moment, can you please get off your high horse and forget I'm a Princess and just have a normal conversation with me? Do you think I'd do something so stupid if there wasn't a good reason?"

I watch her closely for a few seconds. She's dropped her usual royal composure, her face one of worry and concern and utter helplessness. And so I drop my role as Guardian and lean against a tree as well. If she needs a friend right now, then that's what I'll attempt to be. She starts speaking as soon as she sees the shift in my demeanor.

"It's Rose," she says seriously, a few tears escaping her eyes.

This gets my attention very fast. I stand upright again immediately, my body vibrating with the need to get to Rose, to make sure she's safe.

"What happened?" I ask urgently.

She eyes me speculatively before sighing loudly.

"I knew it," she whispers almost to herself before addressing me again. "Relax, she's not in danger. But you know as well as I do that there's something seriously wrong with her. I've been trying so hard to figure out what she's hiding from me. And I think you've just confirmed my suspicions by your reaction."

"Which are?" I ask formally, slipping my guardian face on again.

"I've been watching the two of you for a while now. Actually, since you cancelled her extra classes. She thinks I don't see how she stares at you when you're not looking. You do the same when she's not paying attention. I couldn't quite figure out why you would cancel Rose's extra classes seeing as though she has so much to catch up on, but I think I finally know. You're in love with her…and she's in love with you."

"I cancelled Rose's classes because she is an excellent student, Princess. She managed to catch up where it would have taken other Novices years. There was no reason to continue taking time away from her busy schedule."

She shakes her head crossly as she pushes herself away from the tree, walking over until she's right in front of me.

"Why are you doing this, Dimitri? Can't you see its killing her? I went to her room just before I came here. She was sleeping, but…" The Princess' voice breaks slightly and she takes a few deep breaths to steady herself. "Her hands, her legs, they were covered in blood. I can only assume she took a work out a bit too far. She didn't even bother to clean herself up. I didn't wake her, but I did heal her. Dimitri…If you really do love her, you have to tell her."

I want to keep arguing, but my heart gets the better of me and once again I drop the mask of indifference, revealing my feelings for Rose to her best friend. Rose trusts her with her life, how can I not?

"I won't ruin her like that, Princess. I love her too much to put her career and reputation on the line. She deserves more than that."

"She deserves to be _loved_ , Dimitri!" she almost shouts at me, looking at me like I'm the biggest fool on earth, like it should be obvious. "Whatever your reasons are, forget them. There's many ways to hide this from everyone else until graduation and you damn well know it. And as for after graduation, when Rose becomes my Guardian, do you think for one second I'd allow them to assign you to anyone that is going to cause you to be apart? You forget that I'm a Princess, Dimitri. I have slightly more pull with the Queen than most other students here. Rose worries that she won't be assigned to me, that she's not good enough, but there's no way I will accept anyone else. So if any of this is part of your reasoning to stay away from her, then worry about them no more. Leave them to me."

I know my sadness is written all over my face, as is the yearning I feel for Rose every single second of every day.

Princess Vasilisa's hands are shaking slightly as she reaches out to me, taking my own hands from my sides and into hers.

"Please, Dimitri, I'm begging you. If you love her, really love her…then tell her. Your omission is slowly turning her into someone I don't even recognize anymore. You think you're doing what's right by her, but I'm telling you, you're wrong. As her best friend, I implore you, please, fix this before its too late."

She doesn't wait for me to respond. Her hands let go of mine and then she turns and runs back the way she came, leaving me more confused than ever on how to handle my love for the woman we both care so deeply for.

 **So…did you enjoy Dimitri's POV? He loves her so much…I just hope he tells her before it is too late…**

 **Love your reviews…thank you for reading.**

 **See you in Chapter 4**


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is a little shortish, but there honestly was no other place to cut it.**

 **Again, thank you for every single review and every reader. I'm still quite nervous about my first VA fic, but your support has been a tremendous push for me to see this through.**

 **Song for Chapter 4 – Firework by Katy Perry**

 _Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,  
drifting through the wind  
wanting to start again?  
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin  
like a house of cards,  
one blow from caving in?_

 _Do you ever feel already buried deep?_  
 _6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing_  
 _Do you know that there's still a chance for you_  
 _'Cause there's a spark in you_

I wake up surprisingly refreshed and pain free. When I lift my hands to inspect the damage I realize why…Lissa. Shit, she saw me, something I had wanted to avoid till I had at least cleaned myself up so it didn't look that bad anymore.

A glance at the clock tells me I still have an hour before breakfast. I shrug out of my clothes and spend a long time under the shower, feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. As I dress, I idly wonder whether Lissa physically healing me somehow tinged my emotions as well. Although the ache in my heart remains, I feel almost…normal again.

As I head through the doors of the cafeteria, Jesse walks up to me, stopping me in my tracks. I sigh loudly, rolling my eyes, letting him know he's the last person I want to talk to.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I ask agitatedly.

"Oh Rose, no good morning? They should add a class on manners to your schedule," he says jokingly as he gives me his drop dead gorgeous signature Jesse smile.

"Get it over with Jesse, what do you want?" I ask as I scan over the tables, finding Lissa and Christian a few tables down.

 _Are you okay?_ her voice floats into my mind. I give her a stiff nod before returning my attention to Jesse.

"Tomorrow is my birthday," he says dramatically, feigning hurt at my lack of knowledge on the subject, placing his hand over his heart as if in physical pain. He's an ass, a real ass, but for some or other reason I find myself grinning at his antics.

"That's better," he says and matches my smile. "So, I managed to arrange with the Headmistress to let me have a little celebration of sorts in the gym a few hours after classes end today. I've arranged a DJ and managed to get some drinks on the sly. I'd very much like you to join me," he finishes off, his last sentence spoken in a suggestive tone as he steps closer to me.

I'm just about to punch his pretty little face when a movement to my left catches my eye. I glance over to see Dimitri standing against the wall, not far from where we are. His full attention is focused on our exchange. Even from here I can see the fire in his eyes. I think his dislike of Jesse runs deeper than even my own.

I know I'm going to regret this. Stupid Rose! Stupid! Stupid! But suddenly a little party seems just the thing I need.

So I look up at Jesse and I see the surprise on his face as I lean forward, my hand on his chest as I stand on my toes, my mouth right next to his ear.

"I'd love to join you," I whisper. I feel a shudder under my hand as it travels through his body.

I step away and give him a full on charming smile before leaving him standing with his mouth hanging open in shock. I'm certain he was expecting the punch I was going to give him, but he definitely wasn't expecting that.

I grab some food and casually look over to Dimitri as I sit down with Lissa and Christian. He's still staring at me, but his guardian mask has slipped back into place, his expression unreadable. I'm well aware that I'm being childish, but it's not just that. For some unfathomable reason I'm really looking forward to tonight.

"Thanks," I say to Lissa sincerely as I hold my hands up.

"Always, Rose," she answers, an unsure smile gracing her perfect royal features. "What was that display you just put on with Jesse?"

I look at her innocently. "I'm sure you've already heard about his party tonight. He invited me."

I see her and Christian share a glance before she looks at me disbelievingly.

"And you're going? After everything that he did?"

I shrug as I start eating, leaving the question up in the air.

When I'm finished she eyes me again, expecting me to answer her question.

"Yes, I'm going. So what?" I ask snidely.

"Lissa is just concerned about you, Rose. No need to be rude," Christian says softly.

"Stay out of it Sparky," I say to him before turning back to Lissa.

"There's no need to worry about me, Lissa. In fact, I haven't felt this good in months. It's just a party," I say as I get up. "What can possibly go wrong?"

I don't wait for an answer as I leave them at the table. I know she worries about me, but she should be happy that I'm feeling better, shouldn't she?

Classes are boring as usual, but I find myself interacting more than usual. Eddie seems pleased at my attitude adjustment, although, he seems perplexed by it as well. I don't give him a chance to corner me for an interrogation, evading him as much as possible. I don't even know why I'm feeling this sudden change, how can I explain it to someone else?

I go to the gym as usual after my last class. Even though Dimitri cancelled our sessions, I still make a point of putting in extra time. I might portray a cocky attitude and I know I'm one of the best Novices this year, but I'm not so stupid to think there's no room for improvement. Lissa's life will be my full responsibility very soon and that drives me toward being the best Guardian I can possibly be.

I just finish my last lap when I sense rather than hear him come in. As always, my body reacts to his proximity. My breath becomes shallow as my heart rate increases in anticipation of the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I will be lucky enough to hear him say the words I so desperately need to hear.

I jump up and plaster a wide smile on my face before turning to greet him.

"Guardian Belikov, what a surprise."

He studies me intently as he walks closer.

"Rose, you seem...happier today." He seems to struggle with the word 'happier' before settling on it.

"Yeah, well, can't be a pitiful mess for the rest of my life, can I?"

I pick up the gloves next to my bag. "Mind helping me?" I ask and he walks over, takes one glove from me and starts strapping it on.

Although his hands are steady, I know he feels it too. That current that runs between us. That tie that I am sure will never be severed.

"Jesse have anything interesting to say?" he asks casually as he takes the next glove from me and starts putting it on.

His tone is light, but I know him too well not to hear the jealous undertone that tinges his question.

"Not much. Just invited me to his party tonight."

He looks up at me in surprise.

"And what was your response?"

"I told him I'd love to go," I say, my voice daring him to question my decision.

But he doesn't. He just nods absentmindedly as he lets go of my hand.

"Kirova has asked me to attend with a few other Guardians. Jesse's invited the entire senior year Moroi. She wants at least some form of protection detail there."

"Okay, well, I guess I'll see you later then?" I say as I take a few steps back.

He nods but doesn't move to go so I turn and start boxing the bag closest to me with vigor.

I can feel his eyes on me the entire time and I try my very best to ignore him. My body is in sensory overdrive, yearning for his touch. If he'd just reach out…but my hope is in vain. After fifteen minutes of intense practice, he finally speaks up.

"Rose…"

I stop boxing and turn to him as I wipe the sweat from my face with my forearm.

"I want to talk to you about last night."

 **So, what do you think about Rose's sudden improvement? Are you happy for her, or do you think there might be another reason for her apparent "happiness"?**

 **Can't wait to hear what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Once again, thank you for reading and chatting to me, I love that you are enjoying my imagination.**

 **Let's find out what Dimitri has to say...**

 **Song for Chapter 5 – Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order**

 _Every time I think of you  
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue  
It's no problem of mine  
But it's a problem I find  
Living a life that I can't leave behind  
But there's no sense in telling me  
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free  
But that's the way that it goes  
And it's what nobody knows  
well every day my confusion grows_

 _I feel fine and I feel good_  
 _I'm feeling like I never should_  
 _Whenever I get this way_  
 _I just don't know what to say_  
 _Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday_  
 _I'm not sure what this could mean_  
 _I don't think you're what you seem_  
 _I do admit to myself_  
 _That if I hurt someone else_  
 _Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be_

"There's nothing to say," I mumble, trying my best to keep the memory of our kiss from my mind, but failing miserably.

"I think there is. You hurt yourself badly, Rose. I'm worried about you."

"Well, don't be. Lissa healed me, no harm no foul," I say as I hold my glove covered hands up for effect.

"Her healing you doesn't negate the fact that it happened," he says, his voice annoyed at my brush off of my actions. "What's going on?" he asks suspiciously.

"What do you mean?"

"Please, Rose, don't be purposefully obtuse. You know what I mean. Last night you were literally falling apart before my eyes and today you're happier than I've seen you in months."

It's my turn to be annoyed now.

"And that's a bad thing? Being happy? Would you rather me go back to falling apart?" I ask angrily as I walk closer to him. "Is that what you want? Haven't I suffered enough because of your refusal to admit your feelings for me? Do you want me totally broken before you'll be satisfied?"

He flinches at my harsh words, pain & shock transparently showcased in those eyes I love so much.

"Is that what you really think of me? That I enjoy seeing you suffer?" His voice is hardly a whisper.

I drop my head forward, not being able to stand the way he's looking at me for another second, hating myself for hurting him on purpose.

"No," I say honestly, forcing myself to look at him again. "No, I don't. I'm sorry; I don't know why I said that."

His gaze softens, some of the hurt leaving to make room for the love he won't admit to feeling.

"Look, I'm not sure what's going on inside of me right now. All I know is that I woke up this morning feeling marginally better than I have in a long time. I just want to enjoy it while it lasts. Please, just let it go."

He nods a few times slowly, as if he's trying to accept my words without argument. I'm quite shocked when he reaches for my hand and starts undoing the glove he tied a while ago. I look at him questioningly.

"You still have to get ready for the party. Knowing you, you probably haven't even given any thought to what you're wearing," he explains with a sad smile tugging at his lips.

I see the stress on his face as he unties the next glove. He's worried about tonight. Jesse hasn't exactly been a gentleman to me in the past. Watching him I am momentarily reminded again of just how much he cares for me and my heart breaks all over again thinking how different things could be if he would just admit it.

When he's finished he looks at me again. His hand comes up and cups my face so tenderly, I almost cry.

"Be careful tonight, Roza," he begs and my breath hitches at my Russian name, the one he so very rarely uses, the one he only says when the forbidden love he has for me becomes too much to bear.

"You'll be there, right?" I ask as I lean into his touch, taking full advantage of it while his guard is down.

"Yes."

"Then I have nothing to worry about," I answer him. "Just…just promise me if anything happens you'll give me a chance to sort it out myself first."

He looks at me questioningly.

"Sometimes...sometimes you overreact where I'm concerned," I say softly as I reach up and cover his hand with mine. "And it makes me love you that much more. But, tonight I just want let my hair down and have some fun. I need it."

His thumb brushes my cheek a few times more before he lets me go and my body instantly goes cold without his touch.

"Okay," he agrees, although he doesn't look very comfortable in doing so. "I promise to not interfere unless you ask me to."

"Thank you," I say as I bend down, picking up my gym bag. "I'll see you later then."

"Later," he nods.

We stand in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, both of us waiting for the other to say something...anything. When it becomes apparent that neither of us is going to give in, I walk past him and make my way to my room.

O0O

Lissa convinces me to come to her room so that we can get ready for the party together. She knows my sense of style when it comes to things such as this is nonexistent. If it were up to me, I'd show up in jeans and a t shirt.

Spending time with her makes me realize how much I've missed her. I even enjoy trying on several of her dresses. Months ago I would have been complaining after two. She finally decides on a red strapless fitting dress for me that hug my breasts just right before flowing down my body Grecian style. She puts my hair up in a messy, yet pretty style before applying minimal make up.

We chat and laugh about current gossip while she gets ready. She is a vision in a dusky pink wrap style dress, her long gorgeous golden hair softly falling over her shoulders.

As we always do before we go out, we stand side by side in front of the full length mirror, eyeing each other critically before deciding we're ready.

A knock on the door announces Sparky's arrival and Lissa transforms as adoration floods her features and a dazzling smile spreads across her face. I never thought I'd admit it, but Christian really is good for her. She loves him unconditionally and I'm starting to believe he feels the same.

She pulls open the door and when Christian sees her, my heart aches at the loving gaze he bestows upon her.

"Princess," he greets teasingly. "You are truly a vision." He steps inside; pulling her into his arms and kisses her exactly like a princess should be kissed.

The gap Christian has left in the doorway is suddenly filled with another body and I find myself lost in the smoldering gaze of Dimitri.

His eyes travel down the length of my body before coming back up again, locking my stare with his once more. The way he's looking at me leaves no necessity for words. His hunger filled stare tells me exactly what he can't say right now.

I'm vaguely aware that Lissa is no longer caught in Christians' embrace, yet I can't tear my eyes away from my Russian god.

"Doesn't she look beautiful, Guardian Belikov?" Lissa asks suddenly and I jerk my head towards her. Why the hell would she ask him that?

But I don't have time to ponder on it before I hear his reply.

"I think breathtaking is more fitting, Princess."

I catch Christians' eye and he seems just as confused as me with their exchange. What the hell just happened? Since when do Lissa and Dimitri discuss what I'm wearing?

"Well, come on then, let's be off. Guardian Belikov, are you assigned to me tonight?" Lissa asks as we leave the apartment.

"I'm afraid not, Princess. I'm only escorting you there and back. While inside all on duty Guardians will collectively watch Moroi. Unless, if you prefer a personal Guardian tonight, I can discuss it with Guardian Alberta."

"Oh heavens no," Lissa laughs. "Why would I need anyone else when I have Rose by my side?"

I laugh, lightly bumping shoulders with her. "Your faith in me is astounding. You obviously missed Eddie flooring me like I was nothing. You're much better off entrusting your safety with Guardian Belikov...and don't forget about Sparky over there," I say as I nod towards Christian, who gives me a good natured, sarcastic smirk.

Lissa abruptly stops, turning my way. "I'll never trust anyone as much as I trust you, Rose. Don't sell yourself short like that. You kept me safe for two years outside the wards and you've proved to everyone time and time again since we've been back that you are the very best, very obvious choice to be my Guardian after graduation. I won't have it any other way," she says earnestly.

"Jeez, I was just kidding," I say, rolling my eyes at her tirade, which makes us both burst out laughing. The seriousness of the moment is soon forgotten as we start towards the gym again, but the warm glow in my stomach at her utter faith in me remains.

Dimitri leaves us as soon as we're in safely. I'm met with a few ogles from Moroi and Damphirs alike, which adds to my self-confidence and makes me feel bold.

I split from Lissa and Christian and head over to Eddie and Mason. Mason gapes at me as I walk over, elbowing Eddie, who sports the same look when he spots me and I laugh as I reach them.

"It's rude to stare," I smile at them.

Eddie is the first to recover. "Well, Rose, if I may say, you are most definitely the most beautiful woman here tonight."

"Why thank you, Eddie. I do aim to please," I say as I look over to Mason, who is still struggling to keep his mouth closed.

Eddie and I laugh as he bumps Mason out of his stupor. "Pull it together man," Eddie laughs. "You're going to end up with a shirt full of drool."

"Fuck off, Eddie," Mason says embarrassed and shrugs my way apologetically.

The evening progresses without any drama. I catch Dimitri's eyes on me quite a few times and I can't help but feel beautiful when he looks at me that way.

I'm once again caught in his gaze when suddenly I see a change in his demeanor, his eyes shifting to something he sees behind me, love instantly replaced by disdain.

"So, this is where you're hiding," Jesse's voice pipes up behind me.

Just before I turn to him, Dimitri's eyes fall on me again with a silent plea to stay away from Jesse.

I pointedly stare back at him for all of two seconds before I smile widely, turning my back on him.

I'm fully aware that Jesse's mentally undressing me with his eyes as he comes closer. By the look on his face, it seems he likes what he sees.

Our eyes meet…predator and prey. And even though I'm used to being the first, I have a feeling that, tonight, I am the latter.

 **I'm kinda upset with Rose right now, but...keep your faith in her and their love!**

 **Please share your thoughts, I love every single one of them!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi All. Apologies for the wait. I had changed this chapter on my work PC and stupidly forgot to transfer it to my phone again to post on the weekend.**

 **Your reviews/pm's are so amazing, thank you to each and every one of them.**

 **This chapter is a bit of a bumpy ride…so hold on tight!**

 **Song for this Chapter – Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5 (This one is weaved into the chapter)**

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Jesse asks as he takes a hold of my hand. "Let's go."

I pull back a bit on his hand, looking over to Mason and Eddie, whose smiles have faded and have been replaced by death glares aimed at Jesse.

"We can't exactly drink in front of the Guardians," he explains. "I've got it hidden away in the waiting room off the side at the back. Whoever is drinking just slips behind the curtains when the Guardians aren't looking and makes sure they're not seen when coming back in."

I hesitate for a few seconds. This is stupid. If I get caught I could be expelled and I only have months to go until graduation. So why then do I give in to Jesse's tug, following behind him?

"Rose," Eddie calls from behind and I look over my shoulder at him. "Don't do this."

"I'll be back just now," I call over my shoulder as Jesse keeps walking. "Save me a dance."

Apprehension quickly makes way for excitement at the thought of breaking the rules. I feel exhilarated, alive...and I welcome it with open arms.

There's lots of traffic at the place we need to slip into and I notice people sliding through and returning quickly with their glasses filled with alcohol. It seems easy enough and as Jesse scans the room for the Guardians, I only look for one. I'm relieved to find him in deep conversation with Alberta just before Jesse pulls me behind the curtain with him.

"What's your poison?" he asks as he lifts up the table cloth of a large side unit, revealing many different poisons indeed. I see him grab a bottle of vodka, filling his glass up neat.

"I'll have what you're having," I say confidently and he looks over my way.

"You sure, Hathaway? Neat?"

"You saying I can't handle it?" I challenge him in my sultriest voice, angling my body toward him.

He regards me for only a moment before he fills my glass just like he did his and hands it to me.

I take it from him and down it in one go, the liquid knocking the breath from me and burning a path down my throat. I want to gag, but I somehow manage to keep a straight face as I hold my glass out to him again. He eyes me appreciatively as he refills it and puts the bottle away.

Back at the curtains he looks through a narrow opening to the side before pulling me back through with him again.

He doesn't let go of my hand and for some or other reason, I don't mind. Maybe it's the vodka, maybe it's the fact that I haven't been socializing often enough...or maybe it's the fact that it feels kinda amazing to have a man publicly acknowledging his interest in me, even if it isn't the man that I so desperately crave.

Just as Dimitri comes to mind, he appears to the side of me against the wall. I try to find any sign of emotion behind his Guardian stare, but there is none. And suddenly...suddenly I want to hurt him. The feeling is irrational, yet enticing.

I turn back to Jesse, letting go of his hand and wrapping my arm around his waist. He looks down in surprise at me and doesn't hesitate as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. I don't bother to look back to Dimitri for a reaction.

I find myself moving effortlessly through the crowds with Jesse, easily falling into the various conversations with Moroi as we go. I take a sip of vodka every so often, even though I'm well aware I'm very close to being drunk. Since my first glass, Jesse has gone back to fill my glass twice.

As we walk over to a crowd that includes Lissa and Christian, she spots us approaching, her smile disappearing, replaced quickly with a disapproving frown.

Jesse strikes up a conversation with the guys and Lissa seizes the opportunity to steer me away from them a bit.

"Rose, what the hell are you doing?"

For some or other reason her ire makes me giggle and she leans over, taking a sniff of my glass.

"You're drinking," she accuses me.

"Guilty as charged, Princess," I smirk before downing the remainder of my glass.

She looks around nervously.

"Rose, you're drunk. If the Guardians find out and tell Kirova, you'll be expelled. Why would you even risk it?" she asks angrily, which gets my back up immediately.

"I'm not a child, Lissa. I think I'm quite capable of making my own decisions. And right now, all I want to do is have some fun, so lay off a little."

"And Jesse? You don't even _like_ him, Rose. Why are you hanging out with him? You know better than anyone else he's bad news."

"He's not so bad," I say as I look over to him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know she's right. I hate Jesse, so why don't I hate him tonight? When I look back to her she seems at a loss for words at my statement.

"He's dangerous," she tries to warn me again.

"Well then it must be a match made in heaven seeing as though I seem to be a danger magnet," I say icily, meeting her glare with an equally irate one of my own.

Before she can say anything, Jesse slides his arm around my waist from the back, pulling me against his chest and she watches in horror as I allow him to plant a gentle kiss on my neck.

"Dance with me?" he asks and I put my glass down on a side table before turning to him.

"Excuse us, Princess," he chuckles her way before pulling me into his side and onto the dance floor.

I recognize the song immediately and when Jesse pulls me towards him, his hands gripping my hips, the alcohol in my system blazes through my body and I willingly wrap my arms around his neck.

 _How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable_

 _So condescending unnecessarily critical_

 _I have the tendency of getting very physical_

 _So watch your step 'cause if I do you'll need a miracle_

 _You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here_

 _This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear_

 _You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone_

 _Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on_

The song's lyrics are hypnotizing, so is the beat and I have to give it to Jesse, he can move. I'm lost to everything except us as I give myself over to the courage that the vodka has injected into my blood.

 _When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love_

 _You'll understand what I mean when I say_

 _There's no way we're gonna give up_

 _And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams_

 _Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

 _Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

Jesse twirls me suddenly and when he pulls me to him again my back is to his front. His one hand is grasping my hip, his other arm around my waist, holding me to him, the movement of our bodies in sync with each other and the music.

 _What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head_

 _You should know better you never listened to a word I said_

 _Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat_

 _Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did_

 _When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love_

 _You'll understand what I mean when I say_

 _There's no way we're gonna give up_

 _And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams_

 _Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

 _Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

I feel it then. Dimitri. I look straight ahead and sure enough, he's watching us. His body is tense, his fists clenched tightly by his sides. The look in his eyes tells me he's trying very hard to restrain himself from walking over and taking me from Jesse. The shake of my head is infinitesimal,reminding him that he promised he'd let me handle myself tonight.

 _Does it kill_

 _Does it burn_

 _Is it painful to learn_

 _That it's me that has all the control_

I start feeling light headed, so I lay my head back on Jesse's shoulder. He bends down from behind, his mouth coming down on my neck. The feeling of his tongue on my skin is electrifying and I find myself moaning quietly. I know he hears me because he emits a low growl against my skin.

 _Does it thrill_

 _Does it sting_

 _When you feel what I bring_

 _And you wish that you had me to hold_

"Let's get out of here," he whispers in my ear. Somewhere deep inside I know I'm supposed to say no, but I'm too drunk to care about the reasons why, so I nod.

 **Are you as angry with Rose as I am?**

 **Again, I ask you to keep the faith…**

 **Let me know your thoughts.**

 **xo**


	7. Chapter 7

**First off, a big thank you to "Swimming the Same Deep Waters" for helping me with the song choice for this one. I was at a total loss and she hit the nail on the head with this one!**

 **Now, let's see how far Rose takes things...**

 **Song for Chapter 7 – Animals by Maroon 5**

 _Baby, I'm preying on you tonight  
Hunt you down eat you alive  
Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals_

Maybe you think that you can hide  
I can smell your scent from miles  
Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals

So what you trying to do to me  
It's like we can't stop we're enemies  
But we get along when I'm inside you  
You're like a drug that's killing me  
I cut you out entirely  
But I get so high when I'm inside you

Jesse pulls me into his side and I'm suddenly well aware of the fact that I've had so much to drink, that if he lets go of me now, I won't be able to walk on my own. I hold onto him a little tighter for stability.

As we walk back to the curtains, my eyes scan the room for the ones that will surely stop me. Eddie and Mason are fully engrossed in a conversation with other Dhampirs, their backs to me. Lissa and Christian are sitting in a corner, her on his lap as they kiss. Dimitri is nowhere to be seen. A small part of me wants to draw their attention because I know I should be stopped, but I ignore it.

Jesse grabs a bottle of vodka from under the table as we pass, leading me through another door into a dark corridor. Uneasiness starts rising slowly as we run down the passage, but then Jesse stumbles and his carefree laughter is so infectious that I can't help but join in, the nervousness evaporating as fast as it came.

He opens a door to the left, close to the end of the passage and shuts it again once we're in. It's so dark I can hardly see anything.

"Stand still," he says as he leaves me and walks forward. He switches on a soft glowing lamp in the corner of the room and I blink a few times, my eyes adjusting to the light.

Jesse opens the bottle as he turns to me and takes a gulp. He slowly makes his way over to me, his stare screaming of wild abandoned things to come.

He tilts my head back as he reaches me, bringing the bottle to my lips and slowly pours a bit into my waiting mouth. His action, coupled by his sexy stare makes the moment madly erotic. Before I can swallow his mouth crushes down on mine, his tongue delving deep, mixing the vodka in my mouth as we kiss.

Most of the liquid escapes my mouth though, running down my chin and my neck, disappearing between my breasts.

He groans at the sight and I watch him as his tongue darts out, following the path the vodka left, licking slowly to the top of my dress.

By the time he lifts his head to look at me, I'm a panting mess.

"You are so fucking hot, Rose," he whispers as he walks backward, pulling me with him. I'm unsteady on my feet, really unsteady, so I offer no resistance as Jesse sits down on a dark leather couch, pulling me with him, my legs on either side of his hips as I straddle him.

Feint warning bells start sounding in my head, but I try to ignore them as he pulls me to him, his kisses more urgent than they were before.

His hands again grip my hips and he pulls me roughly against him, his erection hot and heavy as it pushes against my thin underwear. Jesse and I have made out many times before, but he's never taken it this far.

The warning bells are almost deafening now, ringing in my ears. Fear creeps up my spine when I try to lightly push him away, only to have him pull me closer.

I push away from him a little harder, effectively breaking our kiss.

"Jesse...wait..."

"Wait for what? You know you want me as much as I want you," he says as he pulls my hips against him again. Suddenly nothing is as erotic as it seemed a few minutes ago. The feeling of him against me makes me feel dirty and cheap. I start climbing off him, but he grabs hold of me and somehow manages to flip us so I'm lying on the couch, his body flush with mine.

His unwanted weight makes me feel claustrophobic and panic starts setting in swiftly. I know right here, right now, I'm no match for Jesse because I'm drunk. I can hardly stand on my own, let alone fight him off.

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. This had been his plan all along. There is nothing spontaneous about this. His goal was to get me drunk and to have sex with me. I had been so hyped because of my mood change and his attention that I'd ignored the obvious.

Jesse attacks my neck with kisses, gently sucking here and there. I try to push him away, but he's too strong.

His hand creeps up my leg as I struggle, pulling my dress with it and before I can comprehend I feel him shoving my legs apart, settling himself between them, grinding into me as he does.

Tears form in my eyes as I think of what's coming. This can't be happening. I've always thought of sex as a special moment shared between two people who love each other. Sure, I've fooled around a lot, but it's never crossed my mind to make love to anyone…until I fell in love with Dimitri.

Dimitri. My first time was supposed to be with Dimitri. Not Jesse…not like this.

I start sobbing uncontrollably at the thought, again trying to push him away.

"Jesse, please, don't do this...I'm begging you," I cry.

He lifts his head to look at me and my fear deepens. Gone is the charismatic, attentive guy I spent the evening with. Gone is the look of adoration he's been giving me since he laid eyes on me. His glare fixed on me is one of pure determination. Determination that he'll get what he wants from me tonight...one way or the other.

"Relax, Rose," he says in a sickly sweet voice. "I'll be gentle, I promise. And I'm going to make you feel so good."

I whimper in distress and turn my head to the side as he comes closer for a kiss. It pisses him off and he grabs my chin roughly, forcing me to look at him. "Or maybe I'll just fuck you hard from the onset," he whispers menacingly. "Would you like that, Rose? I can't wait to drink your blood while I'm buried inside of your tight..."

Suddenly Jesse's wait is pulled off of me and I scramble backwards on the couch, pulling my dress down over my legs as I pull them to my chest.

I look up just in time to see Dimitri punch Jesse so hard he knocks him out instantly. He lets go of his shirt and Jesse crumbles to the floor. Two more bodies make an appearance and I see Eddie and Mason's furious expressions as they take in the scene before them.

"Not a word to anyone," Dimitri says to them, his back still to me. "I'll deal with Jesse in my own way. If this gets out, Rose will be expelled because she's been drinking. Don't go out the way we came, turn left and take the door at the end of the passage; it'll take you out the back. Drop that fucker in his room and get back to the party before you're missed."

They don't argue. Dimitri's tone leaves no room for questions. Eddie bends down and effortlessly slings Jesse over his shoulder as Mason leaves the room first, leading their way.

I'm terrified as I watch Dimitri. He still hasn't turned around. I suddenly feel very cold, freezing in fact, as if winter has entered my body and lodged in my bones. His hands are fisted by his sides, visibly shaking.

Eventually I can't stand it anymore.

"Dimitri," I whisper. My voice is a plea for him to look at me.

He turns to me then, seeing me for the first time since ripping Jesse from me.

And then I wish he hadn't turned around. His glare is one filled with unbridled anger. I've seen Dimitri angry, but I've never seen him like this. Weaved through the anger is something else…something that makes my stomach churn with a different kind of dread. Disgust. As soon I put a name to it, it fills me with shame, making me look away as I grip my legs to me even tighter and I start crying again.

I'm so caught up in myself that I don't notice him coming closer and I startle when I feel his hand on my shoulder. My body is shaking violently as I try and shake off the memory of Jesse's weight upon me.

"Rose, look at me."

I can't. I can't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes.

He sits down in front of me and gently places his hand on my cheek, applying slight pressure until I'm looking at him.

"I need to get you out of here," he says urgently. I realize this isn't my Dimitri sitting with me right now. It's Guardian Belikov. He's calm and focused on what he has to do. "Can you walk?" he asks as he gets up now that he has my attention.

"I…I don't think so," I admit ashamedly.

He doesn't hesitate as he bends down, picking me up as I grab hold around his neck. He quickly carries me down the rest of the passage and out the back door he spoke about earlier.

When we reach the turn to the girls' dorms, he doesn't veer but continues straight towards the Guardian's sleeping quarters.

"Aren't you taking me back to my room?" I ask confused as he keeps us in the shadows, moving along the side and around to the back entrance.

"No, I'm taking you to mine," is his simple answer.

Something in his voice makes me look at him then. Guardian Belikov has given way to Dimitri again…and his anger has returned with him.

 **Dimitri to the rescue! God, I love this man!**

 **As always, let me know what you think!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I love that you guys love my work! Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.**

 **Let's see how Rose and Dimitri handle what just happened to her…**

 **Song for Chapter 8 – I'd come for you by Nickelback**

 _I was blindfolded, but now I'm seeing  
My mind was closing, now I'm believing  
I finally know just what it means to let someone in  
To see the side of me that no one does or ever will  
So if you're ever lost and find yourself all alone  
I'd search forever just to bring you home,  
Here and now this I vow.  
_

 _By now you'd know that I'd come for you  
No one but you, yes I'd come for you  
But only if you told me to  
And I'd fight for you  
I'd lie, it's true  
Give my life for you  
You know I'd always come for you._

No matter what gets in my way  
As long as there's still life in me  
No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you.

As most of the Guardians are at the party, patrolling or sleeping, we make it to Dimitri's room without being seen.

He puts me down on the side of his bed before going back to lock the door.

My hands run over the deep red silk of his linen as I recall the feel of it underneath my body the last time I was in this room.

I look around, memories of us assaulting my mind. I can still see the look he had in his eyes as he became spellbound by the necklace Victor gave me. I can still feel his big hands unzipping my dress, letting it fall to the ground, his ragged breath as his eyes committed every inch of my body to his memory.

Recollections of our evening together are suddenly invaded by what transpired between me and Jesse and I start crying again. There's that feeling again…weakness. I've always considered myself strong and sure, but not now, not after I couldn't even defend myself against Jesse. I know somewhere deep inside that I'm being silly, that it was the amount of vodka that had left me helpless, but I still hate myself for getting into that situation in the first place.

"Can I get you anything?" Dimitri asks, his voice unsure as he watches me cry, keeping his distance. I can see the conflict he's feeling right now. He wants to be angry; he wants to shout at me for being so stupid and shake some sense into me. But at the same time, he wants to hold me; he wants to pull me to him and keep me safe.

"Would you mind if I have a shower?" I ask as I get up unsteadily, the vodka still affecting my equilibrium slightly. "I feel…dirty," I admit shamefully.

His eyes soften a little at my admission and he wordlessly walks past me and pulls one of his shirts from his closet.

"Thanks," I say as I take it from him and head to the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

Deciding that I need to sober up a little more, I only open the cold water, forcing myself to duck under the cold spray. I wash my hair quickly before scrubbing every inch of my body twice, but it doesn't make me feel any cleaner. I can still feel Jesse between my legs. I wonder whether Lissa might be able to use spirit to remove this night from my memory.

I dry myself and pull Dimitri's black t shirt over my head before brushing my hair quickly. I discard my underwear with my dress. There's no way I'm putting it back on after Jesse pushed against me like that. Thinking about it makes my blood run cold, that wintry feeling returning with a vengeance.

I open the door and walk into the room again to find him staring out the window, his Guardian uniform replaced by a black sweatpants and a white t shirt.

"Why?" His voice is low and I know he's trying desperately to hold it together.

"I don't know," I answer, my voice small and fearful.

He turns then and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against the wall. "You don't _know_?" he asks menacingly. "What exactly is it that you don't _know_ , Rose?"

I don't answer him, my hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt that hangs above my knees.

"Don't you know why you spent the entire evening hanging on Jesse? Don't you know why you just about had sex with him on the dance floor as if there was no one else there?"

He pushes himself away from the wall with his shoulders and slowly starts walking towards me, his eyes infernos of fury.

"Or maybe you don't know why you got so drunk that you couldn't defend yourself? Which is it, Rose?"

He's right in front of me now. My legs are up against the front of his bed behind me, there's nowhere for me to go. I still don't answer him. What can I possibly say that will make this all better?

"Answer me!" he shouts suddenly and I cringe away from him as tears run down my cheeks again.

"I don't know!" I shout back at him weakly. "I…I just felt so good and Jesse's attention made me feel wanted and…beautiful. I never thought he would go that far."

My words are followed by a silence that seems to go on forever before he steps closer to me, his hand cupping my cheek, tilting my head up to look at him. His voice is calm as he speaks again.

"Don't I make you feel beautiful, Rose? Don't I make you feel wanted?"

I know what I'm going to say is going to hurt him, but I have to say it now or never at all. "Not like that," I whisper, hating myself when I see the hurt in his eyes. "Not so openly. And I know your reasons are valid and that we can't be together, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it."

My confession hangs between us for a while before he breaks the silence.

"This is my fault," he says as he shakes his head.

"What?" I ask confused, seeing the guilt on his face. "No, how can this be your fault? I made the choice to leave with Jesse."

"But I forced your hand, Rose. You're only human and you have…needs that I can't fulfill," he answers miserably.

"Dimitri…"

"Do you know how hard it was to watch him with his hands all over you?" he asks pained. "Flaunting you like you belonged to him? And then when I noticed you were gone…" His voice breaks slightly under the pressure of trying to restrain his emotions. "I was only outside for a few minutes. When I came back in, Eddie and Mason were already asking around if anyone had seen you. I knew you hadn't gone out front because that's where I had been. Mason saw the light from under the door when he looked down the passage. "

His arm winds around my back and pulls me closer to him. "When I saw Jesse laying on you…you were struggling…when I heard what he was saying. I wanted to kill him. I still do." His voice is shaky, tinged with fear of what would have transpired had he not been in time.

I hate that I did this to him. I forced him into a position that could have seen him locked up for the rest of his life, stripped of his guardianship. I could have ruined him. The realization of that fact sends me into a crying fit that I can't stop as it pours out of me.

Dimitri immediately pulls me against his chest, his warm, strong arms wraps me up in the safety I only ever feel when I'm with him. My arms grab him closer to me, my hands holding onto his shirt at the small of his back, my body shivering again uncontrollably.

"I was so scared," I admit through my sobs, my head lying against his chest. "I…all I could think of was how my first time wasn't supposed to be like that. How I was powerless because I drank so much. I tried to push him off…I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't listen." I can't talk any further as my sobs overtake me again.

"Sssh," Dimitri whispers in my hair. "You're safe now. I won't let him near you again, Rose, that's a promise."

We stand caught in our embrace for a long time, neither of us wanting to let go.

After a long while he reluctantly pulls away and gazes down at me.

"I should get you back," he says as he starts pulling away more, but I tighten my grip on him instantly, irrational fear gripping my heart.

"No," I beg, hoping he can see what I'm feeling in my eyes. "Please, I can't be alone right now."

"Rose, you know you can't stay here," he whispers but I hear the wavering in his usual steely resolve and I pounce on it.

"I…I know it's stupid of me to be scared, I mean, we both know I can take Jesse out any day of the week. I just…when I think of what would have happened if you hadn't come for me, it terrifies me. Please let me stay; just for a while. Please…"

He takes my face between his hands, bending down as he does so. His lips are inches away from mine, his ever loving gaze warming me up inside.

"I'll always come for you, Rose," he whispers. "I'd die for you, don't you know that yet?"

Before I can answer him, he closes the small space between us as his lips find mine. His hands leave my face only to wrap around my waist, pulling me flush with him again. I moan into his mouth as his tongue slides along mine sensually and slow, the taste of my tears salty on our lips.

My hands are in his hair, lightly pulling and tugging, which makes him utter a groan of his own, setting my body on fire in a way I know no other man ever could.

I mentally start preparing myself for the moment when he pulls away. I know it will be soon. He never allows us to get carried away.

He does as I suspected, he pulls away, but only by inches. He closes his eyes, concentration evident on his godlike face as he struggles internally with a war I know nothing about. I watch him fixedly, giving him the space he seems to need.

And then something happens. I notice the very moment in time he lays his struggle to rest and makes a decision that might turn out to be so very dangerous for both of us, yet so very much needed. His frown disappears, replaced by the most beatific, soul thieving look of utter serenity. If possible, I think time would have stood still to freeze the utter magnificence that is Dimitri in this very moment.

When his eyes open again, the way he looks at me makes my heart beat that much faster...like he's seeing me for the first time all over again. His eyes darken visibly as he traces my face with his finger and I watch as his breathing hitches slightly before he speaks.

"I love you," he almost breathes, like he's too scared to say it out loud...too scared to break the hypnotic trance between us.

I stare at him for the longest time, lost in his emotions, before I close my eyes and pray that one day, if I lose every memory I have of my life, God lets me keep this one.

 **So? What do you think? I'm so excited myself right now…lol…**

 **I REALLY can't wait to post tomorrow's chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

**It took all of my strength not to post this yesterday, and now that I'm posting it, I'm nervous as hell! Hope I do it justice.**

 **This chapter is slightly longer than the others, but there was no way I could cut it anywhere!**

 **Song for Chapter 9 – Seventeen Forever by Metro Station**

 _You are young and so am I.  
And this is wrong, but who am I to judge  
You feel like heaven when we touch  
I guess for me this is enough_

 _We're one mistake from being together  
But let's not ask why it's not right  
You won't be seventeen forever  
And we can get away with this tonight_

 _You are young and I am scared  
You're wise beyond your years, but I don't care  
And I can feel your heartbeat  
You know exactly where to take me_

 _We're one mistake from being together  
But let's not ask why it's not right  
You won't be seventeen forever  
And we can get away with this tonight_

"Say it again," I plead as I open my eyes again.

"I love you," he repeats, his thick Russian accent lusciously assailing my senses. "I've loved you since the first time I saw you. You changed me...you taught me how good it feels to miss someone; to wake up every morning knowing that someone misses me too."

His words weave an intoxicating spell around my heart, spreading to every single cell in my body and before I know what I'm doing I crush my mouth to his. He immediately responds, his hand gripping my neck, deepening the kiss as he steps forward, pushing me back on the bed slowly. He doesn't break the kiss as he lies down next to me on his side.

He gazes down on me as his hand traces from my neck down my arm, lightly grazing the side of my breast before trailing over my ribcage and my hip. He grips the bottom of his black shirt, slowly pulling it up my body. I lift my head and arms and he pulls it off totally, tossing it blindly behind him before I see his eyes travel my body ever so slowly, taking in every inch of my skin he can lay his eyes on.

I have to force myself to keep breathing as his hand softly molds around my breast, his fingers gently tugging at my hard aching nipple.

I arch into his touch and he bends down, his tongue lightly flicking my other nipple before sucking it into his mouth. He nips me with his teeth as his other hand pinches and I can't help but cry out softly at how good it feels.

He lifts his head up to mine, watching me as his hand moves slowly over my stomach and down the inside of my thigh.

"Your skin is so soft," he says in awe. If I had any doubts whatsoever that I wasn't good enough for Dimitri, he vanquishes them with the way he regards my body, like he's never seen anything as beautiful as me.

I disturb his touch to pull his shirt off, turning on my side to him as soon as the material barrier between us is gone. I hungrily attack his mouth, my hands running softly over his skin that houses his perfect muscled body.

His hand again runs down my side, although not as soft as before. When he reaches my thigh he grabs my leg, hitching it over his hip. I gasp into his mouth as he grips my ass deliciously hard, pulling me against him, his pants an undesired barrier between me and his hardness.

"Roza..." He sighs as he drops his forehead to mine, his breathing labored and sexy as hell.

"Tell me what you want. Tell me you're sure about this. I don't know how much farther I can go..."

God, I love this man.

"I want you," I reply as I touch his swollen lips with my fingertips. "You're all I've ever wanted. Make love to me, make me yours."

The desire in his eyes grows impossibly more intense at my words. He was holding back before, not sure how far I would want to go. But as he captures my finger lightly between his teeth, sucking it into his mouth, I know that there's no holding back anymore.

He leans toward me, his mouth on my neck as I feel his hand sliding over my ass again; downward until I feel his fingers graze me from behind, my leg still hitched over his. I hold onto his shoulder as his touch becomes more firm, his finger sliding between my folds.

"God, Rose...you're so fucking wet," he moans at my ear just before nipping at that spot that makes me shudder against him.

As he continues stroking me, my hips start moving against him. His body in front, his hand assaulting me from behind. I'm caught, ensnared...and there's no other place I would rather be held prisoner.

He watches me carefully, paying attention to my body's reactions to his touch. I squirm against his hand, trying to get him to touch me where I need it most. But he takes his time; a cheeky grin gracing is lips as he watches me. Just when I think I can't take it anymore, he gives me what I need. His finger glides over my clit, sending a shockwave of pleasure through my body.

"Is that what you want?" he asks, his breath staggered as his fingers rhythmically circle my clit. "Can you come for me?" he asks as he speeds up the tempo of his touch.

I don't know if I'm capable of saying anything right now. My hips are moving with his hand, grinding against his hard cock every time I rock forward.

A pressure starts building inside of me, a needy ache that spreads through my body, my skin covered in a cold sweat in seconds.

He speeds up a little more, applying a little more pressure and I moan loudly as I feel myself on the brink of losing it.

He runs his tongue along my parted lips as my hip's movements become irregular against him. Fuck, I'm so close.

His eyes lock with mine as I desperately fight for breath.

"Come for me, Rose," he begs gruffly. His thick Russian accent coupled with his touch that becomes suddenly rougher and faster, pushes me over the edge.

His mouth covers mine quickly, absorbing my cries as my body quakes against him in ecstasy.

"Good girl," he murmurs as he watches me come down from my high. Hearing him talk like that does nothing to quench the burning desire inside. If anything, it fans it…feeds it…pushes the flames impossibly higher within.

I feel dazed with need as I hesitantly run my hand down his chest, over his defined stomach until I reach the waist of his pants, curling my fingers around it and pulling it down.

I lean away from him a bit as he helps me push it all the way off.

He lies down on his back and it's my turn to drink him in. I've always thought of Dimitri as a Russian god, but now I see he really is one. And he's mine.

I'm nervous and excited as I run my hand down his chest and stomach again until my fingers make contact with his cock. His body jerks slightly at my touch and he lifts his hips slightly off the bed. I wrap my hand around his silky hardness, watching in fascination as I slowly pump up and down, his hips meeting me stroke for stroke. God, he's big. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I'm supposed to be nervous at that, but all I can find is my yearning to have him inside of me.

His fingers knotting in my hair makes me turn my head to him and I get lost in the craving that is written all over his perfect face. I move up a bit and kiss him as my hand continues to work him.

The ache between my legs is back, and I push myself against him from the side, desperate for that friction again.

He chuckles darkly just before he pushes me on my back, pulling my leg closest to him between his own, opening me up, his eyes focused on his hand as he runs his fingers through my wetness. I tense slightly when he reaches my opening and slowly starts pushing two fingers into me.

"Relax, trust me…I'm right here," he soothes as he looks up at me, his fingers slowly pulling out before he pushes them back in a little deeper than before, curling them slightly, making me buck towards his hand.

He leans down and nips my nipple at the same time as he pushes his fingers as far as they can go in one swift move and the sensation is overwhelming.

He comes up again and watches me as he repeats the process, curling his fingers every time he's in all the way, touching a spot that soon has me begging him for more.

"That's so good," I moan brazenly as my hips push against him every time he plunges back in.

As his fingers curl again deep inside me, I grab hold of his hand, keeping his fingers deep inside of me as I pump my hips shamelessly against him. I bite into his bicep to keep myself from screaming, which makes him hiss and sigh my name like a sinner begging for forgiveness.

He gently pulls his fingers out and kisses me as my orgasm ebbs.

I push his hair back from his face as he stares at me with so much love, it hurts. This can't be wrong. No one can tell me it's wrong. This right here…us together, nothing has ever been more right than this.

"What?" I ask with a lazy smile.

"You're breathtaking," he whispers. "I love watching you come; I've never seen anything more exquisite in my life."

"I love you," I say in return. "I'll never stop."

"As I love you." I know in my heart already that I will never tire of hearing him say those words to me.

"Make me yours, Dimitri," I whisper as I pull him towards me and over me. He hovers above me, kissing me as he moves between my legs, his cock sliding through my wetness.

I squirm beneath him, trying to line him up with my entrance, but he evades me and I growl in frustration, eliciting the sexiest chuckle from his lips.

He teases me a little longer until he moves his hand down, gripping his cock and slowly pushing only his head into me.

He groans as he slowly retracts, only to move back in a little deeper. He stretches me almost painfully even though he's hardly inside of me. He's patient with me as he continues his shallow penetration, giving me time to adjust to him. I reach up to touch his face. I can see the strain, the self-control it takes for him not to just plunge into me.

Our eyes meet when he pushes against my inner barrier and stills. I start moving my hips up towards him but he grabs me with his heavy hand, holding me still as he drops his head to my shoulder, his hot breath caressing my skin.

"I don't want to hurt you," he confesses.

"You could never hurt me," I say softly and he lifts his head, his eyes finding mine. "Please, Dimitri…" I beg as I again try to push against his restraining hand. I've waited so long to give him this moment, to give him a part of me that no one else will ever have. I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want this.

There is no warning before he drives into me hard and fast with one fluid move and I cry out at the stabbing pain as he breaks through my last defence. He stills again and leans down to kiss me, his body vibrating under my touch. He fills me utterly and totally, my inside muscles clenching around him out of own accord.

He remains still inside of me, waiting for me to let him know I'm ready. It doesn't take long before I push my hips upwards again, urging him to move as the pain subsides and an entirely different pleasurable feeling spreads through me when he pulls back totally before pushing himself into me again unhurriedly.

"Fuck…you're so tight," he murmurs as he keeps moving. "I've imagined being with you so many times. It never came close to this."

He sets a leisurely pace, slow and deep, as my hands roam his taught body, my mouth tasting every inch of him within reach.

His hand moves under me, grabbing my ass and tilting me up and towards him and when he enters me then, he touches a place inside that has me whimpering loudly into the night.

He picks up his pace, my hands knotting in his dark hair. I hold onto him in anticipation as the ache intensifies every time he hits it.

Dimitri's Russian words in-between kisses and gazes adds fuel to the fire and coherencies cease to exist as his movements become harder, deeper, expressing a desperation of his own.

My entire body starts quaking when he drives into me particularly hard, igniting my orgasm as I lift up to meet him. I pulsate around him, my mouth buried against his shoulder, my body a live wire that flares every time as he roughly pushes into me.

It's not long before his rhythm falters, becoming erratic and wild.

"Roza…"

My name from his lips make me grip him to me tighter and he pushes into me two more times before he stills, his cock throbbing inside of me as he comes.

We don't move for the longest time, his arms caging me to him, our heart beats slowing down together, as if they're beating as one.

After a while he pulls out of me slowly and I wince at the emptiness I feel. He sees it and concern fills his eyes as he lies down next to me on his side, pulling me against him.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks softly as he runs his fingers through my hair.

"No, no you didn't. That was...I didn't think it was possible to love you more than I already did."

His answering smile is filled with love and I run my finger softly over his bottom lip, liking very much that it's still swollen from our kisses.

A yawn slips out before I can stop it and he laughs quietly as he pulls me closer to him still, as if he wants to take me inside of him to keep me safe.

"Sleep, Roza," he whispers. "It's been a long night."

I don't argue, my body pleasantly drained from any and all energy.

I feel myself drifting almost immediately as I lay my head against his chest.

Just before I lose myself to darkness, I hear him whisper the words he fought against for so long, even though he felt it every day, just like me.

"I love you."

 **Oh goodness, I am DYING to know what you thought of that! Was it good? After reading it again now I'm kinda drooling for Dimitri myself…lol.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Song for Chapter 10 – Let it Go by James Bay**

 _Trying to fit your hand inside of mine  
When we know it just don't belong  
There's no force on earth  
Could make it feel right, no_

 _Trying to push this problem up the hill  
When it's just too heavy to hold  
Think now's the time to let it slide_

 _So come on, let it go  
Just let it be  
Why don't you be you  
And I'll be me?  
Everything that's broke  
Leave it to the breeze  
Let the ashes fall  
Forget about me_

I wake up slightly disorientated, instinctively knowing I'm not in my own bed before I start paying attention to my surroundings.

I panic slightly when I try to move and I can't. But the panic subsides quickly when a soft moan sounds into the darkness behind me and Dimitri's arm pulls me closer against his hot body.

I can't help the goofy smile that spreads over my face as I close my eyes again, recalling what transpired earlier. I trace my fingers over my lips as I remember our heated kisses and I can't help the shudder that passes through my body as I remember the orgasms I experienced hours earlier.

My body feels...different. Deliciously sore and...forever altered to mold to the man lying behind me.

Hours...shit. How long have we been sleeping? I'm suddenly wide awake as I look over to the clock on the night stand and realize it's only two hours before the entire campus will start waking. If anyone finds me here, Dimitri will be fired. Not only will that mean the end of us, it will be the end of the reputation he worked so hard to build. He wouldn't be remembered as the most feared Guardian of our time, he would be remembered as the mentor that couldn't keep his hands off his student.

I carefully disentangle myself from his hold and as quietly as possible, I slip back into my dress. I stare down at him for a few moments, so badly wanting to lean over and kiss him. I choose not to, purely because I don't trust myself to stop once I touch him again.

My senses are on full alert as I slip out the guardian quarters, sneaking around the back to the girl's dorms. I wait patiently around the side of the entrance as two guardians slowly make their way to the court yard before slipping in and up the stairs and into my room.

I shut the door behind me without looking around, my eyes closed as I lean against it, memories of our love making once again assaulting my mind.

"It's about time."

My heart stutters from fright as I open my eyes, only to find Lissa lying on my bed, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Liss...jeez you almost gave me a heart attack."

She sits up, anger etching her noble features.

"Did you spend the night with Jesse?"

"What? No!"

"Then where have you been? You and Jesse disappeared at the same time. I asked Eddie and Mason, but they wouldn't tell me anything. I thought about compelling them, but I figured I'd wait it out and talk to you."

I'm torn. Totally at a loss. I've always told Lissa everything.

"Rose," she requests with concern. "Please, if you weren't with Jesse, where have you been? I'm worried about you."

Before I know it, his name slips forbiddingly from my lips.

"Dimitri."

"What about him?" She asks confused.

"I was with Dimitri."

I wait for her anger to double, but I'm surprised when a smile slowly transforms her face.

"At last," she says excitedly.

"What do you mean 'at last'?" I ask dumbstruck.

"Oh, Rose. Really? How daft do you think I am? You don't think I've noticed the attraction between the two of you? These last few months...It killed me to see you lose yourself the way you did. I knew it had something to do with him. I spoke to him, you know."

This gets my attention and I walk over, sitting across from her on my bed.

"When? About what?"

"The night I healed you. I was so angry when I saw you like that. I confronted him and he admitted that he loved you. I begged him to admit it. I guess he listened," she says with a sly smile.

"Yeah," I say as the same smile spreads across my face. "I guess he did."

"So...are you going to tell me what happened?" She asks with childlike excitement.

And I can't help myself. I launch into a full account of my time with Dimitri. How gentle he was with me, how he confessed to loving me...I tell her everything. I leave out the part of how I ended up in Dimitri's room and she's so focused on my account, she doesn't ask. She's practically bouncing on my bed with happiness for me and for the next half an hour we're just two teenage girls talking about our boyfriends, lying side by side in my bed, giggling and laughing and being free.

Until a knock on my door has us freeze, looking at each other questioningly before I get up wearily and unlock the door. Who would be here at this time?

As soon as the latch turns the door is pushed open and I jump back, bracing myself for an attack, ready to protect Lissa at all costs.

But it's all for nothing. The man that steps inside and closes the door softly behind him is not someone I want to fight, not at all. Dimitri's eyes are stormy as he looks down at me, oblivious to Lissa on my bed as he pulls me to him and his mouth forcefully claims mine in a smouldering kiss that leaves me breathless and weak kneed. When he pulls away, he speaks softly as he leans his forehead against mine.

"Fuck, Rose...don't do that again. When I woke up and you were gone..."

"I'm sorry. I saw the time and I didn't want to increase the risk of being caught. I should have woken you," I say softly when I see his anxiety at my absence.

His hands come up to cup my face and I revel in his touch as he kisses me again softly.

Lissa clears her throat behind us and Dimitri immediately pulls away from me, only noticing her now, which is strange considering his role as a Guardian is being on full alert at all times.

"Princess," he acknowledges wearily, his Guardian demeanor slipping into place.

But Lissa isn't having any of it. She giggles, which has me giggling too.

"Oh Dimitri, stop being so stuffy," she laughs. "I'm glad you took my advice."

He softens a bit as he looks down at me, a small smile gracing his face, and then looks over to her.

"So am I, Princess," he admits, seeming totally out of his comfort zone. Dimitri never shows emotion. I had seen him struggle to admit his feelings for me. It must be that much harder admitting them now to Lissa.

I watch him with a smirk, seeing the difficulty he's having with Lissa talking to him as a friend rather than formally addressing him as a Guardian.

But my smirk slowly dissolves, replaced by a frown as I realize this is just one of the many obstacles we face. Lissa isn't his friend, he's her Guardian. He had walked into my room without surveying his surroundings, totally unaware of the person he is supposed to be protecting with his life, because his eyes only saw me. My happiness turns down a notch at this realization. As if sensing my distress, his attention turns back to me.

"Rose?"

"It's nothing, I'm fine," I say as I step back, putting some space between us.

This is what he was so worried about. We are built to protect...to put Moroi first. And Lissa...Lissa has always been first to me...and she should be first to him. We and how we feel about each other should come second.

Lissa gets up as well, touching my shoulder softly but I move away from her too, seeing hurt flash in her eyes at my aloofness.

"Look, if you guys don't mind, I'm really tired and I need to shower and get ready for my work out before breakfast. Let Dimitri walk you out to your room, Lissa. It's the perfect cover for him being here."

My voice is dismissive and I can't bear to look at Dimitri right now, knowing what I'll see there. Hurt and utter confusion.

I turn from them without another word, grabbing my towel off the chair and closing the bathroom door behind me.

 _Rose, whatever it is, I'm here for you. Please, don't shut me out again._ Her voice floats into my mind and I hate that I'm making her feel like that again after we just reconnected.

"I won't, Lissa," I whisper through the door.

A few seconds later I hear the door opening and they leave my room.

I sigh as I get into the shower, surprised as I start crying and I lean against the tiles as I let my emotions get the better of me.

This is the reason Dimitri denied our love for so long. This is why he pushed me away. And I knew his reasons; he had voiced them to me so many times.

Yet I kept on pushing and pushing, selfishly only caring about my needs and what I wanted.

Making love to him had only intensified our love…making it that much stronger.

How will we be able to go back to how we used to be for the sake of our life's purpose?

How am I going to cope without him?

I don't know the answers to my questions, but I do know one thing.

I have to let Dimitri go.

 **Oh, Rose. Silly girl...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Quick note: I am known for angst, it's what I do, so there are going to be times it gets rough, however, please always bear in mind that I firmly believe in HAE's & there will be NO cheating of any kind throughout this journey.**

 **Let's see what silly Rose is up to...**

 **Song for Chapter 11 – What are you waiting for by Nickelback**

 _Are you waiting on a lightning strike?  
Are you waiting for the perfect night?  
Are you waiting 'til the time is right?  
What are you waiting for?  
Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear?  
Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer?  
Don't you wait another minute here?  
What are you waiting for?_

 _Everybody's gonna make mistakes_  
 _But everybody's got a choice to make_  
 _Everybody needs a leap of faith_  
 _When are you taking yours?_

 _What are you waiting for?_

I'm surprised to find Eddie in the gym when I walk in after my shower. When he sees me he throws his gym bag down and jogs over to me.

"Rose, I've been sick with worry. Are you okay?" he asks as he gives me a quick hug.

"I'm okay. Thanks for last night. It was stupid of me to go with Jesse," I admit.

"That little fucker is going to get it, Moroi or not," Eddie growls. "Guardian Belikov will make sure of that."

I sigh inwardly as I realize Eddie has just reminded me of another reason for having to let Dimitri go.

"Yeah, well, what's done is done," I make light of it. "Laps and then some sparring?"

He nods and we fall into pace next to each other comfortably, running ten laps before facing each other on the mat.

I focus entirely on Eddie, remembering my drab previous performance as we spar. It's a good session by all accounts. I pin him three out of five and by the time we're done we're both out of breath and sweaty but in good spirits as we pick up our gym bags and joke with each other as we walk to the door.

Eddie has me in a headlock as we're walking and I'm trying to wriggle out of it when suddenly he stops and lets me go.

"Giving up so easily, Castile?" I laugh. But then I see the reason for his release of me and my smile falls flat.

"Guardian Belikov," Eddie greets, looking between me and Dimitri unsurely. You can cut the tension in the gym with a knife.

"Novice Castile," Dimitri nods his way. "If you don't mind, I have some matters to discuss with Novice Hathaway."

Eddie doesn't wait to be asked twice and he doesn't even look back as he passes Dimitri and leaves the gym. Coward, I think to myself.

"Rose…" Dimitri says softly as he walks closer to me. I want to move back and away from him, but my body refuses to obey my instructions.

I look everywhere but at him until he's right in front of me. I have no choice but to look at him then.

"Please tell me what's wrong?" he asks worriedly.

Shit. I hadn't expected to see him so soon again. I haven't even thought of how to do this…how to break both our hearts.

"Nothing," I mumble as I fiddle with my hair.

"Bullshit," he counters.

"Look, I…"

I stop talking as Alberta walks in.

"Aah, Dimitri, just the person I was looking for. Do you have a moment?" she asks as she nears us.

By the look on his face he's about to tell her he's busy with something but I beat him to it, seeing my opportunity to make a cowardly exit myself.

"Thank you for the pointers, Guardian Belikov," I say as I plaster a smile on my face, earning me an angry frown. "I'll be sure to keep them in mind when I spar next time."

Before waiting for an answer I greet Alberta hastily as I run past her and outside.

Damn it! Why couldn't I just do it? Do I really think I can write a dialogue on this?

The night drags on painfully slow, maybe because Dimitri is guarding in almost all my classes and I am hyper aware of his gaze that seems to be on me the entire time. I try to act normal as much as possible, joking around with Mason and Eddie and giving Stan as much uphill as I can.

By the time lunch comes around I feel emotionally drained, having run every scenario I could possibly think of through my mind as to how my talk with Dimitri will happen. I hate every single one of them and I hate myself even more for not having listened to him in the first place. My heart wants to stop beating at the thought of never being in his arms again…never hearing him say that he loves me.

I'm in line waiting my turn when I look up to a sudden presence on my right and hate the way my body cringes away from him, rather than stand tall. Jesse. He looks kind of beaten up, I'm guessing the punch Dimitri through hurt like hell when he woke up.

"I…"

I move forward a little with the line but he steps with me.

"Look, Jesse, if you're not planning on saying more than 'I', then please find someplace else to stand," I say irritated.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "About last night. I'm sorry."

I stare at him for the longest time, looking for any sign of remorse on his face. I find none.

"Someone told you to apologize to me. I don't accept, but we'll keep that between ourselves. As long as you stay the hell away from me, Jesse. Next time, I'll be sober…and you'll be the one on your back."

He's clever enough to not say anything but nod hastily and make his retreat.

I sit with Christian, Eddie and Mason, absentmindedly watching Lissa chatting to some Moroi across the cafeteria and vaguely hearing the guys talk around me.

"So, Rose, are you in?" I hear Eddie say next to me as he elbows me in my side.

"What?"

"Have you not been listening at all?" Christian asks as he twirls his finger in circles, a small flame following in its wake.

"No, sorry, I was watching Lissa," I say, giving them my full attention. "So, am I in with what?"

"Okay," Eddie says annoyed. "Pay attention, I'm only going to say this again once. Mason headed to the gym this morning to find us, only to find Dimitri and Alberta instead. He was at the door about to leave when he overheard them talking about some or other caves three miles out back. Said something about its been a while since the Guardians has made a trip up there to go check it out and she asked Dimitri if he would lead a team up there some time soon."

"Yeah, so?" I ask, wondering where he's going with this. I don't ponder on it too long before I see Dimitri enter the cafeteria, his eyes scanning the room and falling on me immediately. He traps me in his worried stare as I try my utmost to pay attention to Eddie.

I miss some of it as I watch Dimitri slowly weave his way through the tables towards us.

"…so tomorrow night after class, we're going on a little expedition…"

This catches my attention and I avert my eyes from Dimitri back to the guys. "What? You can't be serious? At _night_?"

Sneaking out of St. Vladimir's in the day, although still cause for expulsion, is safe because of the sunlight. But attempting it at night is possibly suicide.

"Oh come on, Rose," Eddie says with a daring look in his eye. "You scared?"

"I'm not scared, I'm careful. There's a difference," I say, looking over Christian's shoulder to see Dimitri closing in on us.

"Change the subject," I murmur and all three of them realize someone is close. "Christian, if Guardian Belikov wants me to leave with him, think of an excuse…and fast."

"Why?" Christian asks confused, but Dimitri is almost upon us, so I give Christian a pointed stare as I reply, "Just do it!"

"If I do it, will you come with us?"

I look at them like they'd all grown extra heads when I realize Christian is part of their crazy scheme. "You're taking a _Moroi_ with you? Are you insane?"

I sneak a peek at Dimitri again. Four tables away. I'm running out of time.

"It's my choice, Rose. Besides, my flammable nature might come in handy, don't you think? So, you in?" Christian asks, sensing that Dimitri must be really close because of my growing apprehension.

"This is low, Christian. Even for you," I seethe. Two tables away.

"I'm waiting, Rose," he says seriously.

"Okay, dammit. I'll do it," I say quickly just as Dimitri rounds the last table and comes to a standstill behind Christian.

"Novices," Dimitri greets us and we all mumble our acknowledgement of him. God, we must look as guilty as we feel, I realize as I glance around the table.

He frowns at our apparent discomfort and opens his mouth to speak when Christian takes a book off the bench next to him, slamming it down on the table before getting up and plonking himself down next to me.

"So, Hathaway," he starts as he opens his Advanced Calculus text book, pointing to whatever page he landed on with earnest. "You promised to help me with this. Mind if we start now? I have a test tomorrow and I really need all the help I can get." Christian's acting is flawless as he scrunches his forehead, looking at the page and back up at me with a pleading expression.

"Sure, Ozera," I say as I look down to where he's pointing. I thank my lucky stars when I see he's pointing at the 'Squeeze Principle', a part of calculus I actually do understand.

I launch into a detailed explanation, ignoring Dimitri totally. I continue to do so until I feel him move away from us. When I glance up I see he has moved back to the wall, but his eyes still watch us intently.

I keep pointing to the text book, making random scribbles on Christian's scrap paper, but I change the subject back to where it was before we were interrupted.

"I was just beginning to like you," I say towards Christian, but he just shrugs and smiles, keeping his eyes on my supposed explanations. "Does Lissa know about this?"

"No, and you're not going to tell her," he says quietly.

I groan and look over to Eddie and Mason quickly before looking back at my scribbling again.

"You guys are foolish thinking we can pull this off. And with a Royal Moroi, who happens to be dating Princess Dragomir, no less. How do you plan on getting us pass the wards?"

"Oh, Rose. Don't worry about the semantics of it; we've already worked everything out. Just make sure you're dressed and ready to go a half an hour after classes end. Meet us at the back of the academy behind the fountain." Mason has a naughty twinkle in his eyes as he speaks. He can't wait for tomorrow. I wish I could punch some sense into him right now.

I toss the pencil I was scribbling with down as I get up and grab my bag. "You guys better hope we don't get caught, otherwise I'll kick all of your asses and you know I can. This is dangerous. And the level of stupidity of this prank is an all-time low on all your parts."

"What could be so dangerous?" Christian asks as he gets up as well, grabbing his books.

I stare at him like his stupidity level has just surpassed the all-time low I just spoke of.

"Oh Rose, really? You're not worried about Strigoi are you?" Eddie says. "They wouldn't dare be so close to campus. Besides, if there was any type of activity up there, the Guardians would have seen it by now. All this is, is a night out of this place and a chance to explore close to home, that's all."

I give all three of them a last look of discontent before I turn my back on them and make my way over to Lissa just as the bell rings.

For a split second I consider telling her what they're up to, but I immediately decide against it. They're my friends, even Christian, as much as I hate to admit it.

No, the only thing I can do now is go with them and make sure they keep their sorry asses out of trouble.

 **Oooh, sneaking out...what will that bring?**

 **Haha, I loved how Christian blackmailed her there, just loved it!**

 **As always, let me know what you think.**

 **xo**


	12. Chapter 12

**Song for Chapter 12 - Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood**

 _I was sitting on my doorstep,  
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,  
But I knew I had to do it,  
And he wouldn't understand,  
So hard to see myself without him,  
I felt a piece of my heart break,  
But when you're standing at a crossroad,  
There's a choice you gotta make._

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye.

Dimitri doesn't approach me for the rest of the day, although he constantly hovers close by. I'm not sure if that's because of me or because Lissa is in all my classes for the remainder of the day. Either way, by the time I get to my room I'm trembling because of the constant proximity, my senses so aware of his every move.

I have a shower and dress in my yoga pants and hoody. And then I wait. I wait for the noise to die down, for the students to fall asleep and for the time I know Dimitri's shift will end.

I sneak down the stairs and wait patiently for the Guard at the door to walk into the common room off the entrance before tip toing out the door. I'm almost clumsy enough to get spied by a Patrol Guardian, but I manage to evade being seen at the last moment by diving and rolling behind a large shrub. I lie there for a few moments, watching as he passes before I resume my journey to the Guardian's quarters.

I don't go in, opting to wait for Dimitri to arrive, which doesn't take too long.

"Tssk."

He stealthily turns my way, ever the graceful avenging angel, his body coiled and poised to strike. An image of him with huge black feathered wings fanning out beside him flashes in my minds' eye.

"It's me," I whisper before stepping out from the back of the bench I was crouching behind and he visibly relaxes, although his concern for me still mars his beautiful face. "Think you can sneak me in?"

He nods as he beckons me closer, pulling me under his arm, the black of my attire matching the black of his duster perfectly. He opens the door but almost immediately pushes me behind him. I stay put as he walks inside and strikes up a conversation with a Guardian I only know at face value, effectively guiding their bodies until his back is towards the entrance.

One look from Dimitri tells me to take the gap, which I do as the Guardian laughs loudly at something Dimitri had said. Huh, who would have thought my always serious Dimitri could be funny?

I'm relieved to feel his door unlocked and I let myself in quietly, my nerves on edge at what I'm about to do.

I've wanted this for so long, yearned for him night and day, every hour, every minute…every second. Ironic then that I should be the one to break us because of the very reasons he tried to stay away from me in the first place. Tears sting my eyes as I stare at his bed, the bed he claimed me on last night. The bed I gave my entire being to him. I know that it doesn't matter that I'll be walking away from him soon, my heart and soul will remain in his hands forever.

I hear the door open and close behind me and before I know it he spins me around and his mouth finds mine in the sweetest of sweet kisses, my lips molding to his, my skin burning at his touch.

"Dimitri..." I mumble as he kisses a trail down my neck, his hands folding around my thighs possessively before he lifts me up, my legs wrapping around his hips.

I know I have to stop this. I can't let this happen. But as he pushes me up against the wall my resolve crumbles slightly, his love for me seeping through the cracks of my indecision.

"Roza..." he breathes at my ear.

My name from his lips tears a sob from my chest before I can stop it and he immediately stills against me, his eyes finding mine.

I don't know what he finds in my tear filled gaze, but his concern turns to fear as he lets me slide down slowly until my feet hit the floor.

"Rose, you're scaring me. Please, tell me what's wrong. And don't tell me nothing because you've been avoiding me all day. Did I do something wrong?"

His uncertainty breaks my heart a little more. Before me stands the most respected fearsome Guardian known to our world, yet I have the power to make him falter.

"We can't do this, Dimitri," I say softly. "We can't...be together."

I don't look at him, but I can hear his breathing pick up at my words.

"I don't understand," he says confused, as if I'm speaking some foreign language he doesn't know.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and try to walk around him, but his hand shoots out and he grabs my arm as I pass, his back to me.

"No, Rose," he says, his voice now tinged with anger. "You don't get to tell me that and walk out on me without an explanation."

I hesitate.

"You were right," I say so softly I hardly hear my own voice.

He turns on me then, letting go of my arm and my tears come faster when I see the way he looks at me.

"Excuse me?" he asks incredulously.

"Your reasons for staying away from each other...you were right."

He turns his back on me, walking over to the window. I follow him, words pouring from my weeping body.

"I saw it this morning, Dimitri. You came into my room...you never even noticed Lissa was there. The _one_ person you have to protect more than anyone. You only saw me. It's what you've been afraid of all along, Dimitri. We've hardly started yet you've let your guard down already."

He turns back to me, fury bristling through his flawless body. I can picture those huge black wings lifting up slightly in anger, flames tinting their ruffled points.

"I didn't notice her because it was your bedroom, Rose. If there had been any threat when I walked in I would have seen it on your face!" He shouts angrily. "Don't think for one second I'm not capable of guarding Princess Dragomir because of what happened between us."

The pain and anger in his stare is too much and I look away, but he advances on me, gripping my chin in his hand and forcing my face up to look at him.

When he speaks again, the anger is gone, but the hurt has doubled.

"Did last night mean nothing to you? I don't understand, Rose. You finally get me to open my heart without reservation, to accept that I love you and that I've run out of excuses to stay away from you. This is what you wanted. How can you just throw it away? You knew this wasn't going to be easy."

His voice is pleading with me to not give up on us.

I dig deep, my hand reaching up, cupping his face and he leans heavily in to my touch, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"I won't do this to you, Dimitri. I love you too much. I realize now…I'm your downfall. It's not just Lissa. It's every other time I put your career in danger. Last night it was Jesse...what will it be next?"

He knows I'm right. He knows he should have never given in to me. But I also know Dimitri. He's an unalterable force of nature. He very rarely changes, but when he does, its for life. No decision he ever takes is not thought through again and again before he chooses a course of action, unless he's in the midst of a battle. To turn his back on me now...its going to be just as hard for him as it is for me, maybe even more. With every thought that runs through my muddled mind I hate myself more and more. How could I do this to someone I love so very much?

"We can overcome these things," he tries again, his voice anciently sad. "You're the strongest person I know."

When his voice breaks as he speaks I can't help but lean forward, my mouth meeting his with every single ounce of passion I have for him inside my heart.

I thought he would push me away, but he doesn't. He latches onto me, holding me painfully tight against his broad chest as I thread my fingers through his hair for what will probably be the last time. That thought...that one silly thought of not touching his hair again has me crying into his mouth and pulling away even as he tries to hold me to him. But he lets me go as I knew he would; Dimitri would never force me into anything, although part of me wishes he would grab me to him now again and refuse to let go.

"I love you," I whisper hoarsely. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. But...just remember...not a day will go by for the rest of my life that I won't love you. I'll never move on from this...my heart will always belong to you."

Maybe I shouldn't have said those words, but I need him to know how much I love him. I don't want him to ever doubt that.

It takes every ounce of my strength to turn my back on him. As I open the door, my Russian god pleads one more time, no longer sounding like the dark avenging angel I know...no, he's broken...fallen...and I'm the one who dropped him.

"Roza..."

I hesitate for a moment, lost in his thick accent that runs up my spine, and creeps into my heart, exploding from the inside out, making my chest physically ache.

But then I walk out, using the last bit of sense I have to sneak back to my room.

I don't make it to my bed when my knees give in and I fall to the floor. For a minute or so I take deep, calming breaths, trying desperately to keep the raging heartache inside me at bay.

I bend over, hitting the floor hard, once...twice...three times. But even the pain in my fist when I hear a bone crack is not enough to detract from the agony echoing through my heart.

So I give in.

I let the reality of what I had just done flood my being...a tsunami of torment rushing through me so rapidly, it literally knocks the breath from me. I drop the rest of the way, reduced to a pitiful mess. It's nothing that i don't deserve. Pulling myself into a ball on my side, I rock myself through the fiery sense of loss threatening to pull me under.

Eventually, it does.

 **You know, Rose, I could so slap you right now!**

 **Remember my love for angst...as well as my love for HAE.**

 **Are you angry with her right now? Let me know what you think.**

 **Xo**


	13. Chapter 13

**Just a quick one to the guest reviewers: Thank you for every single one. I can't thank you privately as I can't respond, but just know I appreciate each and every one.**

 **Song for Chapter 13 – Helpless by Metallica**

 _I've gotta see you moving fast, see you come my way.  
See the dreams, I hope they last, never fade away.  
Gotta see the lights above, make it loud tonight.  
Gotta set it all afire, set it all alight._

See the flashing lights, hear the thunder roar,  
I am gonna set you all alight.  
Gotta make it man, I ain't got a choice,  
Gotta fill this hall tonight.

Helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless.

My alarm pulls me from my comatose state. I open my swollen eyes and stretch my aching body on the floor, forcing myself to get up and going. I bandage my hand and ignore the sharp stabbing pain radiating within.

I shower and dress in my gym clothes robotically, trying to cover up my red blotched face with concealer.

And then I force myself to go for my early morning workout.

I force myself to eat breakfast with my friends with a smile on my face.

I pay extra special attention to irritating Stan and I even try to act a little bit excited about tonight's excursion. Actually, the excitement about tonight's outing isn't an act; I'm secretly looking forward to it.

I feel Dimitri everywhere I go, but I don't dare look at him once. If I do, he'll see the suffering I'm enduring, making his own grief that much more.

I spent a great deal of time on the floor last night brainwashing myself to believe that he will move on easier if I act like I don't care. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Before I know it, classes have passed and I've changed and jogging to our meeting spot at the fountain.

All four of us are dressed in black from head to toe.

An odd shot of adrenalin shoots through my body as the guys' excitement rubs off on me. This is just the distraction I need to force myself to think of something other than the gaping hole in my chest where my heart had once been.

I find myself furtively hoping we run into a bit of trouble along the way, my body eager for a fight. I berate myself for having that thought in an instant. We have a Moroi with us for goodness sake.

I follow them to the wards, curious to see how they get us to the other side. To my utter astonishment, they pull stakes out of a backpack Eddie is carrying.

"Where did you guys get those?" I ask as Eddie hands me one, my fingers curling around the cold silver metal in wonder.

"There's this room down in storage. They keep a crap load of stuff there that was taken away from Strigoi fights from all over the world. I grabbed these while I was helping Alberta today."

Mason says it so matter of fact that I keep my surprise to myself, not wanting to look like a fool for being the only one that doesn't know about it.

We stand in a line along the spellbound barrier and on the count of three we thrust the stakes into the ground at the same time. There is no visual proof of the ward going down, but for a moment it feels like darkness descends on us as the protection of the magic collapses. We look among each other, doubt filling all our features for a few seconds before Eddie takes the first step. The rest of us follow immediately, pulling our stakes out on the other side. This is it; we're doing this...whatever _this_ might be.

"Holy shit, we did it," says Christian before he starts laughing uncertainly at the severity of the act we have just committed.

Before I know it, we're all laughing, though I don't think any one of us know why.

"Okay, let's get this show on the road," says Mason excitedly when the laughter starts dying down.

We start a brisk walk in a tight group towards the direction of the caves. All our senses are on high alert, travelling in silence right up until we reach the caves.

"So what now?" I ask, adrenalin pumping through my veins faster than before.

"Now," Christian smiles wickedly my way, "we go in." He lifts his arm, his palm facing upward and with a flick of his wrist a ball of fire explodes and settles quickly to hover just above his skin.

My first instinct is to protect Christian, so I push my way through Eddie and Mason, walking a step ahead of him. The formation they form behind Christian tells me they feel exactly the same. We box him effectively between us, our every cell ready to defend him.

We walk for quite a way before the tunnel opens to a massive whole in the ground with various other tunnels connecting to its hollowness.

"Would you look at that?" Christian says in astonishment as he lifts his hand up, the fire lighting up the cave, casting shadows in its wake.

"It's beautiful," I whisper as I turn slowly, my eyes taking in the wondrous cave of rock walls.

I'm mesmerized by the contours of the rock face, the different hues of brown, bronze and cream seamlessly melting into each other, the light of the fire giving them a sparkly appearance.

Something to my side catches my eye and I turn immediately, crouching protectively in front of Christian. Mason and Eddie catch my movement and they cover him from the back.

We stand still and poised for what seems like minutes before Eddie whispers as low as he can.

"What did you see, Rose?"

I frown as I straighten up again. "Obviously nothing," I sigh.

"Jumping at shadows now, Rose?" Mason laughs and I shake my head at my nerves getting the better of me.

But then movement catches my eye again, and this time, the shadow is moving rapidly towards me. It takes me only a split second to realize the shadow is Strigoi.

"Christian!" I scream as I push him roughly towards Mason before turning on the Strigoi rushing at me. I meet him head on, not wanting to sidestep, knowing Christian is right behind me. _They come first_. That and the fact that he's my friend and my best friend's boyfriend.

The Strigoi is bigger than me, taller and bulkier and impossibly fast. None of this deters me though as I rush into his stomach, ducking and curling into him at the last second. I knock him back a few steps, but he doesn't fall.

Instinct takes over as I grab onto the stake in my back pocket, surprising myself with my speed as I swing my arm up and then down at the precise angle I need, the stake penetrating his chest as I thrust upward and into his heart. I try not to notice the red lining dimming around his pupils before his glare turns to stone, but I notice it anyway. He starts falling toward me but I have the mind to shove at him as hard as I can, pushing him to fall backward as I pull my stake from his heart. For a few seconds I'm dazed at my act of slaying.

Oh my God, I just killed someone. And right now, it makes no difference whether it was a Strigoi or not, fact is, I took someone's life. The only coherent thought I can muster at this moment in time is how I wish with all my heart that Dimitri was here right now.

I'm pulled from my stupor as a flame shoots past me and straight into another Strigoi that was almost on top of me. I glance back at Christian, who has already focused his talent on another.

Staking this one is like child's play and within seconds he's dead, flames overtaking his body on the ground. Unexpectedly, the guilt of killing them evaporates, making way for a blood thirst…a thirst to kill them for daring to attack a Moroi.

I turn to help Mason and Eddie, who are locked in their own battles when Christians' flames cast enough light on the gaping holes in the sides of the caves for me to see we are sorely outnumbered. There must be over fifty monsters waiting eagerly on the sidelines. If we continue fighting, we will all die.

But not Christian. Not if I can help it. If any one of us make it out tonight, it has to be him.

A glance toward the tunnel we came through proves it to be empty and without hesitation, I leap onto the back of Eddie's assailant, giving him the perfect opportunity to drive his stake in deep, which he does.

"Eddie," I say urgently. "Take Christian, get out. Mason and I will hold them back as long as we can."

"I'm not leaving you," he says as Christian lights up another Strigoi, many of them weary to come closer now, but too many still hovering on the edge.

"You have to get Christian out, Eddie," I say to him, desperation evident in my voice. "This is what we trained for. Now do as you're told!" I shout at him.

He gives me a pained look but grabs Christian from behind just as Mason takes down the Strigoi he has been struggling with.

Mason instinctively knows what has to happen and he moves closer to my side, the darkness closing in on us as Eddie drags Christian towards the tunnel.

"Rose! No!" Christian shouts and I look back to see him fighting against Eddie with all his strength. "We can't leave her here!" he cries at Eddie, but he keeps dragging Christian backward.

"Go, Christian!" I shout. "Run! You can keep yourselves safe with your fire. Get to Lissa. Get help."

I feel Mason's hand taking hold of mine and squeezing it gently for a moment before releasing it again and I look at him, one of my best friends, realizing that this might be the last chance I get to see him.

There was a time when I so wished I could fall in love with him just because he's the most amazing person. But just because I don't love him in that way, doesn't mean I don't love him with all my heart.

As the last light of Christian's flames flicker behind us, we ready ourselves and I bend my knees slightly, dropping my weight to my legs just as Dimitri had taught me.

Well, Rose, this is it. You wanted a fight…now you've got one.

Eddie and Christian move into the tunnel and we're instantly shrouded in darkness. There is no hesitation on the Strigoi's part as they rush at us.

We fight in vain for mere seconds before we're overpowered.

My last thought before I lose consciousness is of Dimitri and how I wish I had had enough faith in our love to never have broken his heart.

 **Rose and Mason…braver than brave! Will Eddie get Christian back to the Academy safely?**

 **Wonder what Dimitri is going to have to say about all of this…**

 **Let me know.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Dimitri has been knocking on my door again, he has some things to say, so this is all his.**

 **Songs for Chapter 14 – Fire and Fury by Skillet**

 _Every brick and every stone  
Of the world we made will come undone.  
If I... if I can't feel you here with me.  
In my sleep I call your name  
But when I wake I need to touch your face  
'Cause I... I need to feel you here with me._

 _You can stop the aching_  
 _'Cause you're the one I need._

 _I will burn, I will burn for you_  
 _With fire and fury. Fire and fury._  
 _My heart hurts, my heart hurts for you._  
 _Your love burns within me with fire and fury._

 _If I freeze you are the flame._  
 _You melt my heart, I'm washed in your rain._  
 _I know you'll always have the best of me._  
 _Destiny's got a hold on me._  
 _Guess I never knew love like love knows me_  
 _'Cause I... I need to feel you here with me._

 _Let it all fall down to dust._  
 _Can't break the two of us._  
 _We are safe in the strength of love._  
 _You can stop the aching_  
 _'Cause you're the one I need._

 _Your love burns within me with fire and fury._

 **D POV**

Today was pure hell. Utter torture. Watching Rose with her friends, seeing her act like nothing has happened, it broke me on another level. I'm not stupid; I know what she's trying to do. But I know her too well to fall for her never minded attitude. I know she's hurting just as much as me.

Throughout the day I had to stop myself several times from approaching her, wanting to respect her decision, even after I noticed her swollen bandaged hand.

But now, now here alone in my room, I've let my guard down, allowing the mind crippling grief to wash over me. I look around at the damage I've caused since I walked in. My mirror lies shattered on the floor, my antique oak closet destroyed among various other casualties around me.

Yes, I had been without her for so long, one would think I would be used to it by now, yet it is worse.

How can I forget the way she felt with her body stretched against my own? The way her face was flushed from the orgasms I had given her…the way she had gripped me tight from within when we made love. She branded me, burned into me, and the fire of her love still remains.

No, there is no way I can go back to being without her. No way. I decide in an instant that tomorrow will be different. She's going to talk to me one way or the other. If she just gives me enough of her time, I know I can make her see past those very reasons that stood in my way for so long. There is no doubt in my mind that her love for me is just as strong as mine for her. I'll fight for her. I'll do everything in my power to remind her just how sacred our love is. I'll make her see that together we are so much stronger than apart; that our love will help us overcome anything this world throws our way.

"Guardian Belikov!" a voice shouts outside, one I know very well, and I hurry over, opening my window.

"Princess," I call back, my eyes scanning for any possible threat, but there is none. She is flanked by her two Guardians who seem alert but at ease.

"I need to talk to you, they won't let me up," she explains, sounding frustrated at being blatantly refused access to the Guardian's quarters.

I pull my duster on as I hurry down the stairs and out to the Princess.

As soon as I reach her, she throws a glance over her shoulders at her protectors.

"May we please have some privacy?"

They seem unsure of the situation so I help them along.

"You can widen your perimeter," I nod their way. "I'll be with the Princess within your sight."

My tone doesn't leave much room for argument and they obey my command without hesitation.

I direct my attention back to Princess Dragomir as soon as they are out of earshot, curious as to why she needs to see my so urgently.

"Your hand..." She points out and I look down, noticing the blood for the first time.

"Nothing serious," I brush off her comment.

"That's exactly what Rose said to me in class this morning about her own injury," she says, scrutinizing me for any sign of distress.

Even though just the sound of Rose's name shreds my heart to pieces all over again, my guardian façade remains in tact.

"Princess, I am sure you didn't demand to see me just to discuss my hand. What can I help you with?"

"Have you seen her? I've been looking for her for almost three hours, no one has seen her since her last class."

"I'm sure she's perfectly safe," I reply. Knowing Rose, her emotions are just as erratic as mine at the moment. She's probably trying her best to stay away from everyone. "Besides, she can't get out of the grounds."

She still doesn't seem happy with my summation, so I do the right thing even though all I want to do is go back to my room and break some more stuff.

"Will it make you feel better if I go over to the guys' dorms, check if Eddie or Mason has seen her?"

Her face immediately lights up at my offer. "Thank you, Dimitri," she says and we start walking together as I motion to her guards to follow.

I look over at her as we walk. She has concern all over her face, her hands wringing and fidgeting as we walk. She truly is a good friend to Rose and I've grown quite fond of her. She's different to the other royals, doesn't look down at people. I've noticed her slipping up sometimes and addressing me directly by name, but it only ever happens when we are alone, so I let it slide.

"I've been trying to get hold of Christian as well so he can help me look, but no one in the dorms knows where he is."

This makes me frown. Rose and Christian both gone? I try to quench the uneasy feeling in my stomach that something might be wrong by convincing myself they're probably off somewhere working on some hair brained scheme involving Ozera's fire ability.

When we reach the Moroi dorms I go inside, the Princess waiting impatiently on the grass outside.

Floor by floor...room by room...shower to shower...no one had laid an eye on Christian or Rose since last class.

I run past the Princess to the Dhampir dorms, doing exactly the same sweep. This one, however, brings forth some more disturbing information.

When I rush down the outside stairs, Princess Dragomir's shoulders slump at the look on my face.

I turn back and shout to the Guardian at the front door.

"When's the last time you saw Ashford and Castile?" I ask, wanting to confirm the talk inside.

"Not since my shift started," he says. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm not sure yet," I reply. "I'll let you know if anything comes up."

He nods and resumes his position.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Princess Dragomir asks as I walk to her.

"Eddie and Mason...no one has seen them either."

She has a look of fear now. Fear for her bond mate, fear for the man she loves, and fear for her friends.

A commotion towards the main gate draws our attention and before I'm running at full speed, the emergency siren is sounded and Kirova's voice sounds over the intercom.

"All Moroi and Novices are to return to their dorms immediately. I repeat, all Moroi and Novices are to return to their dorms immediately. This is not a drill. All Guardians to initiate lock down procedure."

I'm torn apart as I stop running, turning back to the Princess, but she is already being pulled towards their dorms by her Guardians, two more flanking not far behind. She sees me and urges me to go.

"You're not guarding me tonight," she says as they pull her away. "Go!"

She doesn't have to tell me twice.

When I reach the main gate, my breath is caught in my throat as I take in the scene before me.

Eddie is badly beaten up. His black hoody hangs in shreds on his body, blood running from a nasty gash on his chest and forehead. A nasty cut runs along the side of his face. Ozera is pulling with what little strength he seems to have left against the Guardians trying to get him to safety.

"I won't leave him!" he shouts at them, trying desperately to get to his friend.

I intercede quickly, giving the Guardian holding onto Christian's arm one look, which makes him release him instantly. He darts back to Eddie's side, pulling his friend close to him and grabbing him around the waist as he starts leading him towards the infirmary.

Something is very wrong. Rose…Mason…they're nowhere to be seen.

"Lord Ozera, you have to let us get you to safety," Alberta tries again, but he glares daggers her way.

"I'm inside the wards, am I not? I'm taking Eddie to the infirmary, whether you like it or not. He protected me with his life," he finishes, his voice breaking and tears forming in his eyes.

"Let me help you," I say as I step forward, but he shrinks back, his hand stretched in front of him glowing brightly. But the glow fades quickly and he seems frustrated as hell that he is helpless to protect Eddie.

Whatever happened has taken all of Ozera's power, literally drained him, yet his resolve to not leave Eddie strikes a nerve deep inside. Guardians are bred to protect Moroi, not the other way around. I've just learnt that Christian isn't just some Royal prick. His love for his friend surpasses any concerns for his own safety.

"I won't take him from you," I murmur as I step forward again. Something in my voice must relate my intentions are good because he nods and I take Eddie's weight from him, walking to the infirmary.

I see the look in Alberta's eyes. I should be forcing Christian to safety. But I ignore it.

Eddie tries to speak several times before we get there, but his injuries prevent him from doing anything more than grunt.

Christian puts up a fight when they ask us to leave, but I grab him, pushing him back and out the door.

His eyes are wild. I assess him carefully for the first time, checking for injuries. Minor cuts and bruises adorn his Moroi face and his clothes still look intact, albeit dirty as hell.

"She wouldn't leave with us," he says as he descends on me suddenly, grabbing my arm.

His words grip my heart, twisting and pulling at what is happening before my eyes. Eddie almost didn't survive whatever happened…Ozera looks like he's about to lose it any second…and Rose and Mason are still missing.

I roughly grab him back, forcing him to look at me.

"Christian, I need you to calm down and focus. Please, you need to tell me what happened. I can't help you if I don't know where to start."

He nods his head frantically and I see him close his eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to get to a point where he can give me what I need.

When he opens them again my gut hurts. So much fear…fuck…

"Mason heard Guardian Petrov talking to you about the caves. We…we went up there tonight. It was supposed to be a fun outing. We were just curious."

I have to hold myself back from punching the Moroi before me. And walking back into the infirmary and laying into Eddie too. Fuck, how could they be so stupid? But I stay still…I need to know where Rose is.

"Strigoi…they cornered us in the main cave. They…she took down the first one. I held them at bay with fire, but she saw there were too many and eventually they'd get to me. She made Eddie get me out. I didn't want to leave her. Dimitri…you have to believe me…" His voice climbs again, his despairing plea ringing in my ears.

That is so like Rose. And honestly, would I expect anything else from her? This is what we're trained for. This is what we live for. She did what was expected of her. I would have done the same.

"How many?" I ask impatiently. I need to get this information across to Kirova and Petrov, but I need more.

"I don't know…they were everywhere. They were filling the cave from other tunnels leading deeper in. Six of them followed us out. Eddie…fuck, Eddie almost died. I had taken out four with fire but when I turned he had two on him. I ran into the one, managed to get him off slightly and Eddie staked the other when he turned his attention to us. I torched the last one and Eddie finished him off."

By now my blood flows through my veins ice cold. The only thing I can focus on is the odds for Rose and Mason. But there are none. This isn't even an _unfair_ game. There is no game.

"If there were so many…" My voice wavers, my legs suddenly not strong enough to keep me up anymore, my mind refusing to believe what Ozera has the balls to utter.

"There's no way they made it," he says as he starts crying again. "They're dead."

 **I don't even want to know what's going through Dimitri's mind right now.**

 **And Rose and Mason? How are they going to get out of a minefield of Strigoi?**

 **Let me know your thoughts, love them all!**


	15. Chapter 15

**I've taken some liberties in this story on how Adrian meets the gang, so please just be aware of that in case it throws you in this chapter.**

 **This chapter is dedicated to Swimming...because you told me something I wasn't supposed to know.**

 **Xo**

 **Song for Chapter 15 – Thriller by Michael Jackson**

 _It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark  
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart  
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it  
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,  
You're paralyzed_

 _You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run  
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun  
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination  
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind  
You're out of time  
_

My head hurts like a bitch.

That's the first thought I have as I become aware of my surroundings. I slowly open my eyes. It's dark, but a flaming torch further away casts just enough light for me to see.

I'm in a cave. Not as big as the one we had fought in. Much smaller, almost the size of my room back at the dorm. The dorm…oh, how I wish I could be there right now, surrounded by my friends…

Friends…

Mason…

Oh God, no, please no! Please let him be alive.

I ignore the ache of the battle in my body and try to get up. It's then that I notice I'm chained, ice cold rusted shackles encircle my wrists and I follow the run of the chains attached to them with my eyes as they disappear into the wall of the cave.

A fierce panic grips me in its claws as I pull at the chains, first the left, then the right, then together. I only stop when I feel blood trickling down my hand from the sharp edges biting into my skin.

The length isn't even long enough for me to get up. I crawl against the wall, sitting with my eyes focused on the iron bars that cage me in as I feel the familiar pull through the bond. Not now, I think. I have to stay alert within my own surroundings. But Lissa's emotions seem to have other plans and soon I'm drawn into her mind.

 _"She's not dead!" Lissa screams at Dimitri. She's hitting his chest with all her might, yet he doesn't flinch._

 _His tears are silently running their course. The look of pure loss on his face doesn't go unnoticed by Lissa, but she refuses to give in to it._

 _She turns on Christian then and grabs his shirt in her hands at his chest. "Christian, you have to believe me. We share a bond, I would know if she were gone!"_

 _Her voice is desperate, needing them to believe her._

" _Lissa, if there was any chance of their survival…" He can't finish his sentence. He seems on the verge of tears too. He tries to pull her to him, but she shoves him away._

 _"Princess," Dimitri says softly. "Eddie barely made it out alive. If what Christian tells me is accurate...even with my fighting skills...there's no way Rose and Mason could have made it. They won't send a rescue party, they won't risk anymore lives. The most I could get from them was to send a scouting team in at first light and even then it has been decided no one will enter the caves."_

 _Her anger rises, an anger so powerful I am blown away by its ferocity. She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths and it takes almost all her energy to suppress it._

 _She tiredly falls down on the couch just before a knock sounds and Dimitri wipes at his stricken face before slipping into his Guardian persona and opening the door._

 _He goes rigid at the sight of a Moroi I don't know. Not a student. He's definitely a bit older than us._

 _Lissa jumps up and into his embrace. Christian seems highly unhappy as the stranger cradles her to him._

 _"Adrian," she says as he releases her. "What are you doing here?"_

 _"I flew in from Court about an hour ago. Heard rumors your Dhampir got herself into a bit of trouble."_

 _"I'm not sure how you fit in with Rose's...trouble, Lord Ivashkov," Dimitri says icily._

 _Adrian turns towards Dimitri in apparent surprise, although I can see a gleam of jest in his eye._

 _"Rose, is it? Well, things sure have changed a lot since I attended St. Vladimir. Since when have Guardians been on a first name basis with Novices?"_

 _Dimitri's anger is simmering beneath his professionalism. They don't notice, but I do. I know him too well._

 _"Adrian," Lissa says, grabbing both his hands. "She's not dead, I'm bonded to her, I would know. Please, if there's any way you can help her..."_

 _She breaks down again but before Adrian can comfort her, Christian pulls her into him from the back and she rests her head on his chest, his arms cradling her to him._

 _Adrian smirks at this, obviously enjoying the jealousy radiating from Christian, before he gets serious again._

 _"There might be a way," Adrian says hesitantly._

 _This has everyone's attention, including Dimitri's._

 _"I can...dream walk," he says lowly, as if he's telling a secret he shouldn't be telling._

 _"You're a spirit user," Christian says just as lowly._

 _Adrian nods. "I've only ever done it with people I know, but, I think...maybe if you tell me enough about Rose let me see some pictures, if I know a bit about her...Look, it's a long shot, but you seem to be out of options. I'm willing to try."_

I'm jolted out of Lissa's mind by a loud metallic screech. I immediately focus on the barred gate. I want to get up, ready myself, but the chains hold me down. For the second time in two days, I am utterly helpless.

A tall Strigoi steps into the cave and I'm immediately struck by how dangerous and lethal they really look. In battle one doesn't have time to pay attention to the finer details, but now I can. I take in his deathly pale skin...the red rings around his eyes. I suddenly feel the urge to puke.

Someone steps out from behind him and I want to cry with relief when I see Mason.

"Mason, thank God," I sob, pulling with all my might against my shackles.

"Rose."

The way he says my name...it's off...it doesn't sound right.

And that's when I notice what was clouded by my relief at seeing him.

His skin...his eyes.

Mason is Strigoi.

My childhood friend is gone…no more, yet he stands before me.

The demon with him walks closer to me and I ball my fists instinctively, even though I know there is nothing I can possibly do tethered up as I am.

Mason's arm shoots out, stopping his partner, who turns on him and growls.

The sound echoes through the small space and sends terror racing through my body.

"I said nobody touches her. Not until I say so," Mason says menacingly, standing his ground.

"You don't get to hand out orders. You're barely a day old."

"Aah, but the information I have is worth so much more than instant gratification, don't you think? I'm the only one that can offer every single thing you need to know about St. Vladimir's Academy. I think your leader will find you to be quite expendable if you go against my wishes and I withhold what he so desperately needs to get inside."

I silently watch as the other Strigoi considers Masons words before shoving him out of his way and leaving the cave in a fit of rage.

"Mason," I whisper. "Please, you need to help me. I need to get out of here, please."

He drops onto his haunches in front of me faster than I can comprehend and I cower away from him.

"Stop whining, Rose, its rather irritating. And stop begging, I don't feel anything for you anymore. There's no room inside of me for trivial things such as love and compassion. Besides, there are more important things to discuss. I have a proposition for you."

I'm bewildered by the man in front of me. Mason...yet not.

"Join me," he says as I stare at him, a stare that I am sure turns into one of utter horror at his suggestion.

"You're crazy," I say as I shake my head. "You're bat shit crazy if you think I'm going to help you get into the Academy and kill everyone I love."

He lifts his hand and I think he's going to hit me. But he doesn't. He lightly strokes the back of his icy fingers against my cheek, ignoring my flinch at his touch. He sighs, getting up and taking a few steps back, regarding me with an eerie calm.

"You really have no choice, Rose. I'm offering you the easy, less painful way. It will be so much easier on you if you give yourself willingly. Whether you accept my offer is up to you, but know this, you _will_ become one of us one way or the other. You have 24 hours to decide. They won't wait longer than that."

He turns to leave and even though I know its useless, I try once more.

"Mason...please..."

But he doesn't acknowledge my plea. He doesn't even turn to look at me as he slams the gate closed behind him and walks away, taking my nausea with him.

I start crying uncontrollably as I lie down on the hard cold floor of the cave.

I don't cry because I fear death.

I cry for what is coming. I fear being turned Strigoi. I fear feeling nothing as I kill people I love. Lissa...Christian...Eddie…

I try not to think his name but it slips unbiddingly into my mind, which makes me cry that much more. Dimitri. When I'm turned I won't love him anymore. I wont know what love is at all. All I'll see is a Guardian standing between me and my targets, the Moroi.

We will fight. One of us will fall. It's inevitable. All I can do now is pray that it's me who falls and not him.

I recall the dim memory of Adrian's willingess to assist. But I push it aside immediately, refusing to let myself hold onto a shred of hope. He himself said that he's never tried to reach anyone that he doesn't know.

All that's left for me to do now is wait…wait for a fate worse than death.

 **Rose must be devastated about Mason. She's sort of stuck right now, isn't she?**

 **As always, let me know what you think.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Song for Chapter 16 – I dreamed I saw St. Augustine by Bob Dylan**

 _I dreamed I saw St. Augustine  
Alive as you or me  
Tearing through these quarters  
In the utmost misery  
With a blanket underneath his arm  
And a coat of solid gold  
Searching for the very souls  
Whom already have been sold_

"Arise, arise," he cried so loud  
In a voice without restraint  
"Come out, ye gifted kings and queens  
And hear my sad complaint  
No martyr is among ye now  
Whom you can call your own  
So go on your way accordingly  
But know you're not alone"

I dreamed I saw St. Augustine  
Alive with fiery breath  
And I dreamed I was amongst the ones  
That put him out to death  
Oh, I awoke in anger  
So alone and terrified  
I put my fingers against the glass  
And bowed my head and cried

 _ **Am I awake? I could have sworn I was stuck in a Strigoi cave when I fell asleep. Yet here I stand in the gym back at the Academy. But…something's not right.**_

" _ **Little Dhampir," I hear behind me and I spin around at the voice.**_

 _ **Adrian. Well, not that I know him, but it's easy to recognize him from the bond.**_

" _ **Adrian," I reply and I see him startled at my recognition. "I guess Lissa didn't tell you that I can sort of jump into her mind on the odd occasion," I joke. "I saw your grand entrance."**_

 _ **He smiles as he walks closer. "You saw that, did you? And? Impressive enough?"**_

" _ **Definitely," I laugh. "Christian was green with jealousy, it was quite fun to witness."**_

 _ **How strange that I am well aware my body is in grave danger, yet here with Adrian, I feel…free.**_

" _ **And Guardian Belikov?" he asks directly, staring at me with a questioning expression.**_

" _ **What about him?" I ask, trying my best to sound never minded.**_

 _ **He throws his head back and laughs. But it's not menacing or condescending. It's friendly and happy and it wraps around my body and makes me feel safe. He's beautiful, I realize. So beautiful.**_

" _ **Oh Rose," he says as he looks back at me. "I also didn't tell anyone that I can read auras. Yours just about burst with light when I mentioned his name."**_

 _ **I blush furiously under his scrutiny. He moves closer still, placing a finger under my chin, lifting my face so I'm looking at him again, his expression filled with worry.**_

" _ **But…your aura is also surrounded with darkness, Little Dhampir. So much darkness…I've never seen anything like it. It's swirling around the edges, like it's trying to find a way to get in. It's…different," he struggles with the words.**_

" _ **Well, I'm sure you'll get to know that I am different to anyone you've ever met," I say with my biggest smile. My aura should probably be bothering me right now, but it doesn't. For the time being, I'm not in the cave, and that's all that matters.**_

" _ **From what I've heard from Lissa, I'm sure your right," he says stepping closer still, his finger still under my chin.**_

 _ **For a moment I think he's going to lean down and kiss me. And…dammit…why do I actually want that right now? Not a Dimitri kiss. Just a kiss. Just an "it's going to be okay" kiss. But, he doesn't, and I'm flooded with guilt because I wanted him to.**_

" _ **Rose, we need to get down to business. Not that I am not enjoying this encounter, but I'd much rather get you back safely so I can continue it in person. Do you know where you are? Are you okay?"**_

" _ **I'm still in the caves. Although, I don't know where. I've been moved to a smaller cave with iron bars. I'm shackled to the wall, I can't do anything," I say frustrated.**_

 _ **His hands move up and down my arms in a calming gesture, waiting for me to continue.**_

" _ **Mason…he's been turned…he's Strigoi. He's stopped them from harming me, but he's given me twenty four hours to make up my mind whether I'll join them willingly or not before he turns me anyway. Adrian…he's going to get them into the Academy. He knows the grounds well enough to do it. You have to warn everyone. Up the number of Guardians, strengthen the wards and get the Royals to Court. And…and if they spot me or Mason…tell them…tell them to not hesitate. To kill us on sight."**_

 _ **I don't even realize I'm crying but when Adrian pulls me to his chest I wrap my arms around him as he holds me close, his hand running through my hair, my tears wetting his designer shirt. It's not the arms that I want to be in, but right now, it'll do.**_

" _ **That's not going to happen, Little Dhampir," he soothes. "I'm going to relay the information to Guardian Belikov. We'll get you out before that happens."**_

" _ **How?" I ask anxiously. "I can't even tell you exactly where I am inside here. I have no idea how big the network of tunnels is. Don't risk any more lives, Adrian. Just tell them what I told you."**_

 _ **He gets angry at my words, pushing me slightly away from him and grabbing onto my arms. "Not an option, Rose," he growls. "We're getting you out one way or the other. Stay alert, try anything you can to buy some time, but we're coming, whether you like it or not."**_

" _ **Why do you care so much?" I ask, still crying. "You don't even know me."**_

 _ **His voice is softer when he speaks again. "You gave your life for that of your friends. That right there speaks volumes about the type of person you are, Rose. I know it's your destiny to be a Guardian…but somehow I feel it's more, that passion inside of you to protect the people you love, no matter Moroi or not. Besides, I think you're kind of hot and I'd like to get to know you better, so I guess I have my own personal agenda as well," he finishes off.**_

 _ **His speech starts serious, but ends on a light note, which somehow makes me want to get to know him better too.**_

" _ **I hate to leave you, but I have to go. The sooner I get this information to Guardian Belikov, the quicker we can get to you."**_

 _ **I nod, wanting to hold onto the safety this dream offers, but knowing I have to go.**_

 _ **I'm about to step away from him when he does something that surprises me. He leans down and kisses me. It's not a Dimitri kiss. It's a chaste and solid kiss. A kiss that says 'stay strong' and 'have faith'. It's the kiss I needed.**_

 _ **And then he's gone…**_

I sit up against the wall again, thinking of what just transpired.

Can my life get any weirder than this? Being pulled into my best friend's mind now and again is something that I've grown used to. But now I have to get used to having actual conversations in my head with Moroi I know nothing about.

Time…buy time…but how? Mason was very specific and I very much doubt Strigoi are into negotiations.

Mason. My heart breaks again at the thought of my oldest friend being lost to me forever. He's so much a part of me. He's always just…been there. And I realize now how much I took him for granted. How I just assumed he'd always be a part of my life.

I find my thoughts again wondering to Dimitri. I know he knows I love him, there's no doubt in my mind about that. But the way I left things. I'll die with the knowledge that he'll always remember that I wasn't strong enough to fight for our love…that I gave up at the first inkling of trouble.

A wave of nausea hits me again. It has me almost doubling over just as I see Mason nearing my gate.

What the hell?

He doesn't open and come in, but he does slide a plate of food and a tin of cola beneath the lowest bar hard enough for it to hit my legs.

"I thought you didn't care about me anymore?" I taunt.

"I don't. But I also need to keep you alive until you make your decision. Time is running out, Rose," he reminds me as he starts turning.

Time…buy time…

"Fight me!" I shout, surprising myself just as much as I surprise him.

"Excuse me? You can't be serious?" Mason says as he turns around, yet, I see the gleam of excitement pass through his red rimmed eyes. Mason used to enjoy sparring with me just as much as Eddie.

"Fight me. If you win, I'll submit."

"You'll be changed one way or the other, Rose, what's the point?" he asks, but I see he's intrigued at the idea.

"Just give me a fighting chance, Mason. That's all I'm asking. Don't let me die the cowardly way. Let me at least go with a bit of dignity."

He regards me for several seconds before he nods his head. "Okay, I'll give you that. I'll arrange it."

"One on one?" I ask, needing to be sure I'm buying some time rather than quickening my death.

"One on one, you have my word."

With that he turns and leaves me alone again. I stare down at the plate of food for only a few seconds before I start eating with vigor, draining the cola in three gulps. If this fight is happening, I have to keep myself as strong as I can.

I just hope Adrian will be able to convince the Academy to come to my aid.

 **So, Adrian made it to Rose, that's good, right? But then Rose challenges Mason…**

 **I feel I need to reiterate after reading this chapter…there will be no cheating, Adrian really is a good guy.**

 **Do you feel a bit more optimistic now?**

 **Let me know…**


	17. Chapter 17

**This one is all Dimitri…he just won't let go…not that I want him to…**

 **Song for Chapter 17 – I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie**

 _Love of mine  
Someday you will die  
But I'll be close behind  
I'll follow you into the dark_

 _No blinding light  
Or tunnels, to gates of white  
Just our hands clasped so tight  
Waiting for the hint of a spark_

 _If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied  
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs  
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks  
Then I'll follow you into the dark_

 **D POV**

I stand with the Princess and Ozera for what seems like ages while Ivashkov seems in a dreamy trance.

Awake…yet not. I watch in fascination as various subtle expressions cross his face. Frowns…small smiles…anger… I can't take my eyes off him.

When at last he shrugs off the haziness surrounding him and opens his eyes, he looks directly at me.

"She's alive."

I can't quite explain how I feel in that moment after hearing his words. Relief. Stunned. Hope. Hope most of all. I cling to it.

I'm aware of Lissa's happy cries and Christian's relieved laughter, but I can't pay it much attention for a few seconds. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions. Rose is alive. Fuck knows how, but she is…and that's all that matters right now.

I push my feelings aside momentarily as I force myself into my Guardian role…my safe place…the place where I know I'm strong enough to get to her.

"Where is she?"

Adrian looks worn out and tired as he rubs his forehead.

"She's still in the caves. She's been given twenty four hours to decide whether she's going to turn by choice, or whether she'll be forced."

"Is Mason with her?" Christian asks as he stands closer. The Princess is still latched to his arm, like she's holding on to him for strength.

"Christian, Mason…he's been turned. He's the one that gave her the ultimatum."

His words shake me to my core.

"No," Ozera says disbelieving as he shakes his head. "You're lying. Mason would never do that to Rose."

"He's no longer who he used to be, Christian," I say resigned as I think of Rose's friend, her longest friend. "There's no feeling, no caring, left in him anymore."

"We have to go see Guardian Petrov," Lissa says, suddenly joining the conversation. "She has to send in a rescue party now, doesn't she? I mean, we have solid proof now."

"She still won't do it," I say, my anger at that fact rising furiously within me. "They won't risk the lives of more Guardians just to save one."

"But she's my best friend!" she shouts, her voice filled with accusation.

"Don't think for one second that I don't want to get to her just as much as you do," I retort angrily, letting my Guardian persona slip for just a moment, so that she can see the agony I'm in, before I slip it back on.

She backs down then and Christian wraps her up in his arms once more as she sobs quietly.

I pace up and down, my mind working overtime. One way or the other, I need to get to her, even if it means going in alone. I told her once I'd die for her. And I meant it. I stop short suddenly, an idea coming to mind.

"Who are you calling?" Adrian asks from the sofa as I find the number I'm looking for.

"The only person I can think of that will break the rules just as much as we will to get to Rose. Janine Hathaway."

As suspected, Janine is beside herself when I relay the events of the past hours. She's livid that no one from the Academy has called her. I'm quite pissed about it myself.

"Guardian Belikov. I only know of one person that will be able to pull off a miracle and give us the numbers we need. Her father."

This stuns me. I didn't know that Janine still had contact with Rose's father considering she never told Rose who he was.

"Who is he?" I have to ask, having a feeling that I don't want to hear the answer.

"Abe Mazur."

It takes a few seconds to process that piece of information. Abe Mazur is one of the richest, most powerful Moroi around. He's also dangerous and underhanded.

"The man has a reputation," I say simply, hoping she can hear the meaning behind my words. _Can we trust him?_

"Yes," Janine agrees. "But that means he's also surrounded by more Guardians than the entire Academy. She's his daughter. He'll want to help. This is the only way. I would have wanted Rose to meet him under different circumstances, but considering our options…" her voice trails off.

"Do it," I say decidedly. "Call me when it's organized. I can get past the Guards at the gate, that's no problem. We'll meet at the crossroads; it's the closest point to the caves for walking."

"I'll get right on it. And Belikov?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. I'm not sure why you've done what you're doing going against Academy protocol, but whatever the reason…thank you."

I don't answer before killing the call. What is there to say? I love your daughter? She's my life? I can't lose her? No, none of those will go down quite well right now.

"I'm coming with you," Ozera says, straightening up away from the Princess.

She turns on him in horror. "No! You can't go there again, Christian. I won't let you!" Her fear fills the room…like it is suddenly part of the air we breathe. She wants Rose out as much as I do, but she can't risk Christian's life only to end up losing them both.

"She's right, Ozera," I say calmly. "You almost died out there. There's no way I can risk your life like that again. What you guys did was stupid and irresponsible. I won't be making the same mistake."

"I can help," he pushes angrily. "My fire took out a hell of a lot of them long enough for them to be staked without much trouble. It confuses them, scares them. You didn't see how many there were…we need every available resource we can get our hands on. Please, you have to see that taking me is an asset rather than risk. She's the reason I'm standing here. She's my friend. Let me help get her back safely. I'm begging you."

"He's right, Guardian Belikov," Adrian says softly from the side. He still seems tired and overwhelmed from his dream with Rose. "He just ups the odds in our favor. Besides, you're with him…from what I've heard, you're a god" he chuckles. "Being at your side will keep him safe."

I'm considering it. Fuck! I shouldn't be. He's a fucking Royal for crying out loud. But I find myself making a decision before giving myself a chance to back out. Fuck the consequences. If he can help us get Rose out safely, he's in.

"Okay," I say as I look straight at him. "But I'm warning you, Ozera. You stay with me at all times. And you obey every single instruction I give. The aim is to get Rose out. I don't have time to worry about where you are and if you're safe. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," he says with a smirk as the Princess grabs onto him again and he looks down at her.

"I love you, Lissa," he says softly as he tilts her head up to him. "But I have to do this. I have to get Rose back to you."

She seems to accept that no matter what she says, he's going to go through with it anyway, so she just nods, allowing him to kiss her in such a loving way, I have to look away as my heart longs for my lips to be on Rose's in exactly the same way.

We silently stand around for another few minutes before my phone rings.

"Guardian Hathaway."

"Dimitri, just call me Janine, please. There's no time for pleasantries." I want to laugh at how much she sounds like Rose right now. "Lucky for us, Abe had business about two hours from where the Academy is situated. He has twenty five Guardians with him. I'm a bit further away but he's got his private jet on standby and Lord Szelsky has given the go ahead for me to take immediate leave. I'm already en route to my flight. Abe will have a car waiting for me at the landing strip. Rendezvous at the crossroads in two hours."

"Confirmed. See you then."

I relay the information to the others and agree to meet Christian outside his dorm in fifteen minutes.

Before leaving, I reluctantly turn towards Ivashkov, extending my hand, which he shakes without hesitation.

"Thank you," I say honestly. "You've saved her life."

He nods before I take my leave, racing to my room to change and grab my stakes.

Christian stows away under a cover in the back of the Academy's SUV and we reach the meeting point exactly forty minutes after I disconnected the call to Janine. I order Christian to wait in the car while I wait outside, my every nerve on high alert as I constantly keep my eye on our surroundings, waiting for the cavalry to arrive.

 _I'm coming, Rose. Just hold on a little longer_ , I think as I pace next to the SUV. _I'll get you out…or die trying._

 **They're going to get her!**

 **What do you think of Abe's involvement?**

 **Let me know your thoughts.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks PNR-guilty-pleasure for the shout out in your latest chapter. Lol, threesome with Swimming...well, couldn't ask for two better authors to be connected to!**

 **I didn't want to post because the review issue has reared it's head again, please know I will reply to each and every review as soon as it's fixed.**

 **So, here it is...what we've been waiting for. Hold on tight!**

 **Song for chapter 18 -** **Battle Cry by Imagine Dragons**

 _Just one more time before I go_

 _I'll let you know_

 _That all this time I've been afraid_

 _Wouldn't let it show_

 _Nobody can save me now, no_

 _Nobody can save me now_

 _Stars are only visible in darkness_

 _Fear is ever-changing and evolving_

 _And I have been poisoned inside_

 _But I, I feel so alive_

 _Nobody can save me now_

 _The king is crowned_

 _It's do or die_

 _Nobody can save me now_

 _The only sound_

 _Is the battle cry_

 _Is the battle cry_

 _Is the battle cry_

 _Nobody can save me now_

 _It's do or die..._

I don't know how long I've been here. All I know is my body is aching...freezing from being on this cold hard surface for so long. My injured fist is a dull constant throb of a reminder of the way I left things with Dimitri.

I have no idea whether Adrian managed to convince them I'm alive. I have no idea whether his promise that they would come for me will materialize. The Academy won't risk the lives of more Guardians just for one. Yet, I know Dimitri will find a way if he believes I'm still alive. I know he will because we are so very much the same that way.

My heart is heavy. My soul is desperately holding onto the hope that help will come.

But all of those are variables. The only thing I know for sure is that soon I'll be standing against a Strigoi. Mason, to be exact. In a fight supposedly to buy time, although I have no way of knowing.

I want to vomit again. Damn...what the fuck is this nausea? I don't have time to dwell on it. Mason appears at the gate flanked by two other Strigoi. He opens the creaky entrance to my primitive cell and doesn't hesitate as he walks over to me and starts unlocking my shackles.

"Don't try anything stupid, Rose," he warns as he does so. "I'm giving you what you want, but if you fuck up now, it's over."

So I dutifully keep my cool even though every muscle in my body is screaming to fight the enemy. Mason cuffs my hands behind my back under the watchful eyes of his demon guards before roughly pulling me out of my cell. We walk quite a distance down a narrow tunnel before veering off into another and yet again, another.

My adrenalin at what's soon to come pumps through my veins faster and faster with every step we take.

As we take another corner I see light up ahead. It doesn't take us long before I'm shoved into the massive crevice I was in hours before with my friends.

My jaw drops as I take in my surroundings. Fuck, this is a circus of monsters.

Strigoi line up every available space against the edges of the cave. They seem eager and excited. They seem hungry and impatient. Pure evil.

Huh, seems they've been told about the coming fight. Muhammad Ali and George Foreman have nothing on me. Seems I've attracted a crowd big enough to rival any heavy weight championship.

Mason leads me to the centre of the cave and steps back as another Strigoi rids me of my cuffs.

I rub my hands over my aching wrists that are cut and bloodied from fighting against my constraints. My injured hand protests against the action, but I shove the pain aside along with the dread in the pit of my stomach. My body is ready and weirdly eager at what's about to happen even though my heart isaching for the friend I have lost..

"Ready, Hathaway?" Mason taunts. His words are so familiar I almost start crying. How many times had he said those exact words to me before sparring?

My reminiscence is cut short when he suddenly lunges at me and I sidestep just in time. Mason has always been my equal, but as a Strigoi he's so much faster. As he passes my left I twirl toward him, knowing I can't afford to give him any leeway. Oh, but he's fast, because as I turn toward him he's waiting and quicker than lightening his fist connects with my cheek, sending me sprawling backwards.

The pain feels like it physically splits my skull in half, but I know I can't dwell on it and as I hit the ground I roll and jump to my feet. Obviously not fast enough, because Mason runs into me shoulder first, connecting with my ribs and pushing me down hard, knocking the last breath from my lungs. I hear a crack on the impact followed by sharp pain that burns like wildfire through my side, but once again, I push it aside because I have no other choice as I struggle against Mason trying to pin me down.

Is that cheering I hear?

I can't be sure with the blood rushing through my veins, filling my ears with an eerie zinging sound.

He gets the upper hand as he manages to sneak in a punch at my injured ribs and he straddles me even though I buck against him with all I've got. He doesn't budge. His weight has always been his advantage when we used to spar. Mason's one hand grips both mine above my head and he leans over me slowly in a strangely intimate way that makes me feel cheap just like Jesse did. His breath is hot in my neck as I keep struggling against him.

"Rose, Rose, Rose," Mason chants darkly at my ear. "This would have been so much easier if you'd just given in."

I close my eyes then, knowing this is the beginning of an evil journey for me. I wait for his fangs to pierce my skin...but is doesn't happen.

Through my closed eyelids I see a flash of light and Mason is suddenly pulled off me. I quickly open my eyes to the start of what I can only describe as utter, but very welcomed chaos.

A ball of fire rushes past me and I watch in awe as it strikes a Strigoi just behind me. Christian. That thought alone is enough for me to ignore any pain I feel and jump back to my feet.

I do a quick assessment when I'm up.

There are Guardians everywhere. They don't wear the Academy's uniform, but they are Guardians nonetheless. Another ball of fire crossing my sight has me turn around and I see Christian, his attention on his target. A Guardian stakes the burning Strigoi effortlessly before moving onto another.

And then I shift my eyes to Christian's right.

Dimitri.

In the few seconds I allow myself to relish in his splendor, he takes down two Strigoi without breaking a sweat.

And then he looks my way. Our eyes meet. And forthe briefesta moment in tim,e we're alone. We're not in the middle of a life or death fight. We're not surrounded by decay and evil. It's just him and me and our wordless communication of our love.

That is, until I'm knocked from the side and overpowered by another monster.

"Rose!" I hear Dimitri shout, but I don't dare look his way as I push roughly against the neck of the Strigoi trying to sink his teeth into me. But he doesn't succeed. His body is suddenly ripped from mine and I crawl to my feet as I watch Dimitri swiftly plant his stake through his heart.

As he withdraws his weapon, his other hand pulls another stake from within his duster and he accurately hurls it my way, the silver hardness landing perfectly in the palm of my outstretched hand.

Game on.

With Dimitri's stake in my hand I feel powerful again as I breathe through the pain that tries to cloud my mind. The training Dimitri spent so many hours and days teaching me kicks in again and I don't hesitate as I rush into a Strigoi that charges Christian from his blind side.

As I fight him I recall how Dimitri used to praise my speed, how he used to say it was my strength...how he had taught me to use it to my advantage. This is what I've been trained for all my life, my destiny...and as I fight to protect my friend, who just so happens to be a Royal Moroi, I lose myself in my god given right to protect those I love

That rage bubbles beneath the surface again at these creatures for daring to attack Christian.

I feel no remorse as my stake penetrates the heart of my enemy; there is no time for tears or weakness. This is war.

I lose track of how long we fight. During this time I vaguely see my mother in all her glory take out four Strigoi, without blinking an eye. Dimitri was right when he said she's one of the most feared Guardians of our time, and although I harbor deep feelings of abandonment deep inside, I feel honored to be fighting by her side.

As I straighten myself from my third staking, I'm met with the figure of the one Strigoi I was hoping to avoid.

"It's just you and me, Rose," Mason sneers as he jumps at me, but the adrenalin within pushes me to sidestep him once again. Anticipating his move from earlier I duck just in time to miss his fist and I strike out, landing a heavy blow to his side. Well, heavy in my books anyway, although it seems he hardly felt it at all.

His tackle is expected, but much more powerful than I thought it would be and he knocks me off my feet again. As we tumble to the ground I struggle against him, knowing that if he gets me down this time, I'm done for. I take a gap when I see it, scraping the point of my stake harshly against his cheek, which makes him roar in anger and pain. It gives me enough time to roll our bodies again and this time, I end up on top. I immediately raise my stake.

"Rose, don't..."

And I guess in some way, I should have hesitated as I looked into Masons eyes. Maybe I should have looked past the red rimmed eyes of the boy I've known since forever.

But I don't. Dimitri's voice from so many training sessions floods my mind.

 _"If it were someone you knew...would you be able to do it...Don't hesitate..."_

And so I don't. I purposefully drive Dimitri's stake through the heart of someone I love so very much. And as I watch the disbelief flash briefly in his eyes before they glaze over, I feel something being ripped apart from deep inside...a piece of my soul following him into the darkness.

I pull the stake from his chest with the knowledge that I have to get up and carry on fighting. But instead I find myself falling forward on his chest, my arms enveloping him as I lose myself in his memory before everything around me fades to black and I lose myself

 **And? How was that? How do you think this is going to affect Rose? She killed Mason, that must have shaken her to her core.**

 **As always, let me know what your thoughts are. Will respond when issues are resolved.**

 **Xo**.


	19. Chapter 19

**Rose missed the rest of the battle...how will she cope when she wakes up?**

 **Song for Chapter 19 – Arms of the Angel by Sarah McLachlan**

 _Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always some reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memories seep from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

i _n the arms of the angel_  
 _fly away from here_  
 _from this dark cold hotel room_  
 _and the endlessness that you fear_  
 _you are pulled from the wreckage_  
 _of your silent reverie_  
 _you're in the arms of the angel_  
 _may you find some comfort here_

Silence.

Utter nothingness.

That's what I open my eyes to. All I hear is the sound of my own breathing.

Where am I?

Infirmary. I can smell it as much as I can see it.

Okay, got that pegged down.

I don't dare move. I don't know why, I just don't.

Oh, yes, that's why.

I should be feeling pain…my face…the crack of my ribs echoes through my mind. But there is no pain.

Lissa.

My Moroi. She keeps saving me when I should be saving her.

I stare at the empty bed next to me for the longest time. I feel like there should be someone in it.

But there's not.

It's just an empty bed.

Random thoughts.

How long have I been here?

How did I get here?

Where's everyone else?

Mason…

And oh God, I shouldn't have thought his name. But I did and so I lie perfectly still as my insides shudder at the heart crippling loss I feel as I once again see the life drain from his eyes.

No! Yes!

Go away! It won't!

It's not real! It is!

It didn't happen! It did!

I push myself up into a sitting position so fast it makes me momentarily light headed.

"Rose..."

Danger.

Strigoi.

Pale skin...

Red eyes...

I react instinctively, rolling off the bed and backing up against the wall. My eyes are open yet I can't focus on any specific thing. Maybe I don't want to see.

"Rose..." the voice tries again.

"Stay back," I warn, trying to sound brave but failing miserably. I reach to my side, reaching for the stake I know I had, but there's nothing. Not even a pocket. Just a mundane hospital gown hanging loosely over my trembling body.

Who the fuck took my stake?

How am I supposed to protect myself?

Through my inner dialogue I'm faintly aware of slow approaching footsteps.

I cower. I push myself as hard as I can against the wall behind me, my eyes seeking wildly for shelter. I catch sight of the corner not far from me.

Go!

Go!

I follow my gut without thinking about it, moving along until I reach my destination.

Safe.

I'm safe here.

As long as I keep my eyes ahead of me, nothing can come at me from the back or sides.

Good.

This is good.

Safe.

"Roza..."

Oh, how good it feels as that that voice finds my ears.

Safe.

That voice is safe.

I trust that voice.

I love that voice.

And so I focus all my energy on finding the source of that voice. I force my eyes to focus, to scan my surroundings.

And then I experience sweet sweet bliss when I find the man that spoke my name.

Dimitri.

My body sags then, knowing that no matter what comes at me, I'm safe.

My reprieve is short lived as I feel a hand grasping my arm from the side and I lash out without as much as a second thought.

"Shit!"

I can't seem to focus on my target, but the voice and the sweet sounding crunch as I make contact is music to my ears, as is the cussing that follows.

"Don't touch her," my avenging angel says and I turn to him again, watching him as he slowly comes to me with his hands outstretched.

Why is he so hesitant?

He gazes at me with the love of a thousand saints as he reaches for me. I shakily stretch out my arm, our hands meeting half way. He pulls me to him before I can muster another thought. I don't fight him. Why should I? He's my savior.

I feel myself being lifted in his arms. He cradles me to him like a baby. I love it.

And then we're moving.

"Dimitri," I hear a female voice speak to him. Dr. Olendzki, I think. "Where are you taking her?"

"Some place safe," he answers shortly.

"This is highly irregular. I think we should clear this with Kirova and Janine first."

"Do whatever you feel you need to. Rose is my first concern. She obviously doesn't feel safe in the infirmary. She doesn't deserve to feel threatened after what she's been through."

He doesn't speak again and I feel us moving again.

Floating.

I'm floating.

In the arms of an angel.

I vaguely remember the song from Lissa's playlist. Fly away from here...

I'm jostled slightly as a door opens and again when it closes.

I'm placed gently on a bed. I run my hands over the linen. I know this linen. I'd know it anytime, anywhere. The linen I gave myself freely to the man I love. The man that loves me so much more than I deserve.

"Roza. Roza, can you hear me?" his gentle voice speaks and I look up into his deeply burdened eyes.

His face is so close to mine. So close...if I reach out my hand.

My heart breaks as a tear escapes him and I reach out, catching it with my finger.

"Don't cry for me," I hear myself say. My voice sounds distant...alien...like it doesn't belong on my tongue.

He doesn't answer me. His head falls forward as a heart tearing sob escapes him. Why does he cry for me? I'm okay, aren't I? I'm right here with him where I belong.

Safe.

Safe.

I draw him to me and he comes willingly into my embrace.

He clutches me to him as he empties his fears against my chest. I let him. I want to cry too. Somewhere deep inside I feel I need to.

But I don't.

Detached. Once the word forms in my head, I know that is what I am.

"I've been so worried," he says when his tears subsides. "I've never felt this...this terrified in all my life."

I don't say anything. I don't know what to say.

He lifts his head at my silence, his lips so close to mine.

I don't hesitate as I lean forward and gently kiss him.

He seems stunned at first, weary...unsure. But as I run my tongue against his bottom lip he opens to me, his tongue finding mine in a slow, sensual dance. My arms circle his neck, pulling him closer.

But he gently pushes me back, breaking our reunion. His eyes are closed; his forehead creased in a frown...like it's taking all his will not to kiss me again.

"Why did you stop?" I ask puzzled.

"Rose...you're hurt. You need to rest. I...I want nothing more than to kiss you right now, but I don't think it's a good idea."

Rejection.

Tears well up in my eyes before I can stop them. He sees it and the anguish in his eyes makes me look away as the first tears fall unstoppable down my cheeks.

"I don't blame you," I whisper. "I wouldn't want to kiss me either."

"Roza...why would you say that?"

Anger.

Blinding fury.

So much I feel it burning me like acid.

I try to stop it but it claws itself up my throat, demanding release.

I shove him away from me harshly and get up from the bed.

"Really?" I ask as I move away from him. "Don't ask me like you don't know."

As I walk to the window I'm vaguely aware of crunching glass beneath my feet...the cutting of flesh. It's insignificant to the bigger picture so I ignore it.

But he doesn't.

"Fuck, Rose, you're bleeding," he says as he comes for me but I hold my hands up to him.

"Don't come near me."

And then I laugh. I'm not sure why, but I do. It sounds...crazed...manic...that of a woman gone wild.

"I deserve to bleed," I say, although I don't think I'm saying it to him as much as I'm saying it to myself.

I lean against the wall, staring out the window. I've never seen so many Guardians on duty before.

They're everywhere I look.

"I killed him," I whisper, again more to myself. "Drove a stake right through his heart like he was nothing."

"Rose, you had no choice. You know once someone turns Strigoi..."

But I don't let him finish as I spin around, fixing him in my glare.

"He was my friend! I've knew him all my life! I _loved_ him! Don't you dare stand there and justify what I did!"

"He would have killed you!" Dimitri shouts back at me. "You didn't kill Mason..."

That fury flares in me again and I rush at him. He's so much stronger than me yet he allows me to push him against the wall, my forearm up against his neck.

"Don't say his name. Don't _ever_ say his name again," I whisper threateningly.

Pity.

It floods his beautiful face, lodging in his eyes as they look upon me. I hate it. I shove away from him, averting my glare.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't want your pity. I don't deserve it." Bitter, bitter words.

He moves back around the bed I watch him open his bedside drawer, taking out a rectangular black box. He opens it and pulls out a syringe filled with yellow liquid. He seems to seriously consider his actions for a few seconds before he makes up his mind and starts walking towards me slowly.

I start backing away.

"Dimitri...what are you doing?" I ask as the panic starts choking me. He wouldn't dare, would he?

"It's just a mild sedative, Rose. You're too wound up. You need to rest. I'm not going to hurt you," he explains, his voice so soft and filled with regret at what he's about to do.

"Fuck you." The venom in my words surprises even me, but I don't stop backing away from him until my back hits the wall. He keeps coming.

Caught.

Nowhere to go.

Fight.

Yes, fight.

And so as soon as he's close enough I strike out at him. But this is Dimitri Belikov I'm attacking. He easily deflects and before I know it my arms are pinned behind my back, my front pressed up against the wall.

"No," I beg as I start crying. "Please, Dimitri. Don't do this. Don't send me back to the darkness."

I've hardly finished my desperate pleas before I feel the prick of the needle in my upper arm.

"I'm sorry, Rose," he says heartbroken as I sag against him and he picks me up. "I'm so sorry."

He carries me to the bed and lies down with me, his arms holding me close to him as he strokes my hair soothingly.

"I love you…I love you…I love you…" he keeps saying it over and over again, like he's reminding me, like I could ever forget.

I feel myself being pulled under, no matter how hard I try to fight it.

In the arms of an angel…

Fly away from here…

 **Rose is...not herself right now, and in quite a bit of shock.**

 **And Dimitri has taken her to his room, what repercussions will that have?**

 **Love your thoughts, let me have them.**

 **Xo**


	20. Chapter 20

**Song for Chapter 20 – Make you feel my love by Bob Dylan**

 _When the rain is blowin' in your face  
And the whole world is on your case  
I could offer you a warm embrace  
To make you feel my love._

 _When the evening shadows and the stars appear_  
 _And there is no one there to dry your tears_  
 _I could hold you for a million years_  
 _To make you feel my love._

 _I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_  
 _There's nothing that I would not do_  
 _I will go to the ends of the Earth for you_  
 _To make you feel my love._  
 _To make you feel my love._  
 _Make you feel my love..._  
 _Feel my love..._

 _ **"Hey little Dhampir."**_

 _ **"Adrian."**_

 _ **We're on some gorgeous white beach flanked by aquamarine waters and tropical forests. I look down to see I'm wearing a white bikini. I should probably be pissed at him, but surprisingly, I'm not.**_

 _ **He smirks and shrugs when I look back at him.**_

 _ **"Thought you'd appreciate the change of scenery."**_

 _ **"Thanks," I say genuinely as we sit side by side at the edge of the water. It laps over our feet now and again and it's somehow soothing.**_

 _ **"You okay? You gave us quite a scare."**_

 _ **"Will you tell me?"**_

 _ **He considers my request for a few moments before he starts talking.**_

 _ **"After I found out you were alive, Belikov made a call to your mom. She in turn called your dad, who happens to be Abe Mazur, notorious Moroi of note..."**_

 _ **"Wait, hold up...my dad? Is he still at the Academy?"**_

 _ **"Yes, he won't leave until he meets you. Kirova has put both him and your mom up in the guest quarters."**_

 _ **I stare out at the ocean.**_

 _ **"I'm not sure how I feel about that."**_

 _ **"No one's forcing you to see him, Rose. It's your choice."**_

 _ **I look back at him. "You make everything sound so easy...so simple."**_

 _ **"Because it is. It doesn't have to be complicated, Little Dhampir. You either see him, or you don't."**_

 _ **"Okay, let's get back to that later. Carry on..."**_

 _ **"Belikov and Christian met up with your mom, your dad and a string of his personal Guardians and they went in after you. Can you remember the battle?"**_

 _ **I nod. "I do. But...I wish I didn't."**_

 _ **"You kind of lost it after...you know...Mason. I was told Belikov had to drag you away from him kicking and screaming. You lost consciousness shortly after making it out of the cave; your injuries were pretty hectic. Lissa healed you, but you were out for two days and when you woke up..."**_

 _ **"I remember the rest."**_

 _ **We sit quietly for a while before I open up.**_

 _ **"It's hard...knowing I killed Mason. I know it wasn't him anymore, deep inside I know I had no choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. I loved him...I loved him so much..."**_

 _ **Adrian pulls me against him as I start crying and I lean against his chest.**_

 _ **"I'm ashamed of myself."**_

 _ **"Why?"**_

 _ **"I should have turned them in the minute they told me about their stupid plan, but instead I went along with it. I put Christian at risk, going against my very reason for existing. I'm not sure how I'm going to move on from this."**_

 _ **"I'd like to tell you time heals all wounds and it'll get better...but I'm not so sure I believe in all that crap and I've never been in a similar situation. I guess all you can do now is try to move forward one step at a time."**_

 _ **I lean back, looking up at him.**_

 _ **"Why is it so easy to talk to you about this? Dimitri...I was so horrible to him. I didn't want to be, but I was."**_

 _ **He shrugs again.**_

 _ **"Maybe because you don't know me. Maybe it's easier to confess your sins to a stranger. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you feel you can talk to me. You're not alone**_ _ **Little**_ _ **Dhampir."**_

 _ **He pulls me against him again and I wrap my arm around his back.**_

 _ **"Rose…I know it's none of my business, but Belikov...I've never seen a man in such pain. What happened to you...it literally brought him to his knees. He loves you, but I think you know that already. Let him be there for you, Rose. You need that love now more than ever."**_

 _ **I don't answer him, but I lock his words in my heart.**_

 _ **We sit in comfortable silence for a long time before the scenery becomes hazy and starts flickering and fades away altogether.**_

When I wake up I'm under the covers in Dimitri's bed. I'm lying facing him, his warm body close to mine. His face is inches away from mine, his arm protectively banded around my waist.

I study him for a while...how he's frowning even in his sleep...how his lips are presses together the way they always do when he's angry or frustrated. I reach up and run my fingers across his forehead and notice how the frown immediately relaxes. I marvel at that...how my touch instantly soothes him.

His eyes slowly open and our gazes lock.

"Hey," I say softly as I trace his cheekbones, running my fingers down his chin and settling my hand on his bare chest.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, the frown returning and I offer him a tired smile.

"A little better, I guess. I feel...more in control. I'm sorry about freaking out at you. I...I don't know what happened."

"Oh, Rose. You don't have to apologize. You've been to hell and back in the last few days."

I want to tell him that he's wrong, that I have so much to apologize for, but I don't want to argue with him right now, so I nod instead.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask hesitantly, needing some form of contact so badly.

"That is one question you never have to ask me," he replies before pulling me closer, his lips finding mine in what I can only describe as an awe inspiring kiss. The warmth of his lips seeps into the rest of my body, warming me from the inside out.

I press myself harder against him but he pulls away.

"Rose..."

"No," I say before he can give me some Zen reason why this isn't a good idea. "I need you. I...can we just for a while forget everything else except us? Please, Dimitri..."

I brace myself for his reasons why we shouldn't but he surprises me when he pulls me back to him with a groan, his kiss matching mine in desperate need.

I clamber onto him, straddling him as I sit up and boldly pull the ghastly hospital gown over my head.

He sits up immediately, his one arm snaking around my back as his other hand and mouth attack my breasts greedily...pinching...sucking...nipping.

"Dimitri...so good..."

I lift myself slightly, pushing his pants down. He lifts his hips to help me before settling down again. When I take him in my hand between us as his hands knot in my hair while he kisses me, he's already rock hard and ready.

"Fuck..." he groans as I start stroking him, his hand joining mine between us as he strokes through my folds, spreading my wetness with his fingers. I gasp as he suddenly pushes two fingers into me, his other hand roughly grabbing my neck, angling it up and biting me almost painfully at my pulse point before licking over the exact same spot, soothing the sting.

"God, Dimitri...I need you inside of me," I pant.

My need for him is overwhelming suddenly. I want nothing more than being one with him right here, right now.

He's just as eager as me it seems. He roughly pushes my hand out from between us as he lines himself up with me and before he can let me down onto him slowly, I slam my hips down, taking him as far as he can go.

"Christ, Rose…" He hisses, his hands grabbing my hips and keeping me still.

I'm painfully aching inside but it feels so damn good.

I push against his restraining hold. "Let me move, Dimitri. I need to move," I plead before leaning over and claiming his mouth roughly. As I kiss down his throat his hands start guiding my hips over him at a leisurely pace.

He pushes me up, which makes him sink in deeper than I ever thought possible.

"Shit...fuck..." I can't help the words falling from my lips as I test unknown waters, swiveling my hips as Dimitri's hands grab my breasts almost painfully.

Suddenly he sits up, caging me to him, causing the movement of my hips to become restricted yet impossibly more intense as our bodies move against each other.

Dimitri's hands cup my face, holding me close as my fingers thread through his hair...the hair I thought I'd never feel again.

"You consume me, Roza," he whispers and I almost faint at the love in his thickly accented voice. "When I thought I'd lost you, I wanted to die. There's no world I can live in without you by my side."

I whimper at his words, my hips churning against him harder and faster, the pressure building inside.

He shifts beneath me and, with his arm around my waist, flips us in one fluid movement.

He hitches my one leg over his arm before driving into me again, my cries mixed with his groans. His gaze never leaves mine, keeping me grounded here with him in this moment.

My orgasm starts licking greedily on the inside, vibrating for release. My insides start clenching around him as he increases his rhythm, making my body sing. Time ceases to exist. It's only us and the eruption of euphoric pleasure that radiates through my body.

"I love you," I breathe as I ride out the storm, feeling him grow harder inside of me before he stills, his pulsating cock quenching the fire inside of me.

Dimitri kisses me slowly, bringing us both back down at a leisurely pace before he rolls off me, pulling me over him. He's still inside of me as he rubs slow circles on my back.

It's a while before I speak.

"When I was in the cave...when I thought there was no hope...all I could think of was dying with you thinking I didn't fight enough for our love," I confess. I lift my head, resting my chin on his chest, seeking out his gaze. "I love you Dimitri. I love you so much; sometimes it feels like it's too much for my heart to bear."

"Roza..." he sighs tenderly as his fingers brush against my cheek.

"I want you to know that, from now on, I'm going to fight for us no matter what. You and me...we can love each other without hampering our ability to keep Lissa safe. Because we're both strong, but together we're so much stronger. It took me almost dying to realize that whatever our reasons were for staying apart...they mean nothing. I don't want to live another day without knowing I'm coming home to you. I love you so much."

It sounds like a revelation. Like I always knew I loved him and I knew he loved me, but I only just realized we can do anything…overcome anything, as long as we're together.

He rolls again, effectively pinning me beneath him, making us both laugh. Oh, how I love his laugh. It's such a rare occurrence, but when it happens, I swear for those few precious moments it makes the world a better place.

The smile he bestows on me as our laughter dies down is angelic in its beauty. I think again how lucky I am. How all everyone ever gets to see is his Guardian persona…the unemotional godlike fighter that keeps us safe. How I get to see this side of him…this strong, emotional man that gives his love to me so freely and ravenously accepts mine in return.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, Rose. By some miracle you saw straight through me...into me, like no one else ever has. Whatever the reason, I'm not questioning it anymore. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Rose. Nothing. I believe in our love. I love you; it's that simple."

He bends down then before I can say anything else; kissing me with so much passion it makes my heart ache.

And then he takes me to the heavens again...

 **Dying to know how that was!**

 **Let me know...**


	21. Chapter 21

**Song for Chapter 21 – Umbrella by Rihanna**

 _You can run into my arms_

 _It's OK, don't be alarmed_

 _Come here to me_

 _There's no distance in between our love_

 _So go on and let the rain pour_

 _I'll be all you need and more_

 _Because_

 _When the sun shines, we'll shine together_

 _Told you I'll be here forever_

 _Said I'll always be a friend_

 _Took an oath I'm a stick it out 'til the end_

 _Now that it's raining more than ever_

 _Know that we'll still have each other_

 _You can stand under my umbrella_

When I wake again the sun is out. I can see it shining even behind the heavy dark curtains. I turn around to find Dimitri sound asleep. The frown is no longer there; his perfect lips relaxed and slightly open, his breathing even and deep. He's resting peacefully.

I get up and cringe at the stinging beneath my feet, remembering the mirror shards I walked over. I take in Dimitri's room for the first time since I came back with seeing eyes. There's destruction everywhere. He ruined almost everything. My heart hurts when I think of the pain he must have been in to lose control like this.

I look in the small bathroom mirror, a faint bluish bruise and a little swelling the only reminder of Mason's abuse. My side is the same, my hand as good as new.

I consider showering but I don't want to wake my sleeping Guardian.

I make a split decision to sneak over to Lissa. She must be off her head with worry. I quietly go through Dimitri's drawers that survived the havoc and pull one of his hoodies over my head. As expected it reaches my knees. I'm acutely aware that I'm risking this trek with no underwear, but my need to get to Lissa overrides any other concern.

The trip to the Moroi girl dorms is harder than expected. They've seemingly doubled the Guardians on shift. I also notice some Guardians wearing the same uniforms as the Guardians in the cave. I assume they're my supposed father's.

I sigh in relief as I slip into Lissa's room. I'm surprised to find her awake and when she turns to me as I close her door, there's hardly any time to register her movement before she's on me. And I hold her, I hold her tighter than I've ever held anyone in my life while she cries on my shoulder.

"Don't ever do that to me again!" she shouts through tears as she takes my face into her soft hands. They're not strong and powerful like Dimitri's, but they make me feel safe nonetheless.

Before I can say anything she looks at my attire. "And what the hell are you wearing?" she asks in disgust and I have to laugh. Fuck, this feels good, just to laugh…just to be.

"I don't have clothes over at Dimitri's," I shrug. She pushes her fingers through my knotted hair and a sadness overcomes her as she looks at me. I feel what she feels before I can stop it.

"Whoa," I breathe. "Lissa, please…lay off the blues."

"Sorry," she says as she tries to rein it in. "I…when they told me…"

I put my finger to her lips. "It's over now Lissa. I'm here, I'm safe."

I know she has questions, but I'm grateful when she feels my need to get cleaned up is greater than her inquisition and she runs me a bath. She sits on the floor next to the bath as I get in, seeing my feet.

"What happened?" she asks as she turns, lifts my feet from the water and heals me without a second thought before I sit down.

"I'm not sure. Dimitri's room is wrecked. As in…the only things still standing is his bed, drawers and half of his bookcase."

"He loves you so much, you know. I saw it while you were gone. He…he tried so hard to keep up appearances, but now and again I'd catch a flash of what he was going through when no one else was looking. He was broken, Rose. It was difficult to see someone that seems so untouchable, be in so much pain."

I lie in the bath for what feels like hours, Lissa topping up the hot water now and again and remaining seated next to me.

We talk about everything.

She tells me about Dimitri when she told him she couldn't find me. How he frantically looked for me. I cry when she tells me about Eddie's condition when him and Christian returned. She fought tooth and nail for her Guardians to take her to the infirmary to heal him. His injuries were so severe she slept for hours afterwards and had double her normal feedings to get her strength back. She tells me about Christian…how angry she had been that she'd physically attacked him. I laugh at the vision of my ladylike best friend doing that. She tells me how proud she was of him when she heard he'd helped fight off the Strigoi. She cries again when she recalls Dimitri and Christian telling her that Mason and I were dead. Her anger because they wouldn't believe that she just _knew_ I wasn't. How Adrian was an angel sent from above. They didn't try and stop her from coming to me when they brought me back. I think somehow they knew no matter what they did, she would find a way. She giggles as she says Headmistress Kirova and my mother just about wanted to throw Dimitri of campus when they found out he'd taken me but that he'd told them I had suffered a great deal and there was no way in hell he was letting go of me until he knew I was safe. She tries to mimic Dimitri's guardian voice as she says this and we laugh for what seems like forever. I'm surprised when she tells me my father had come to Dimitri's rescue, agreeing with him and telling them to let it go until I was better.

And then it's my turn.

I tell her about breaking up with Dimitri before everything happened. I tell her my reasons. I tell her about being alone in the cave. The cold…the hardness…the fear. I cry as I tell her about Mason, how he was him, but not really. I tell her I was in her head when Adrian made his appearance. I relay Adrian's visit in my sleep. I tell her how proud I was of Christian too, how he refused to stand by and watch us fight without helping. She asks me if he looked sexy while doing it…and then we start laughing again like the teenagers we're supposed to be. I sob uncontrollably when I tell her about killing Mason. She lets me. It feels so good to just let some of it out, even though I know this ache will never go away. She looks on in utter shock as I tell her Dimitri sedated me, but her shock quickly turns to excitement as I tell her what happened when I woke up again. And when I tell her that I've decided to not give up on Dimitri and our love for each other, there is nothing but pure happiness for me all over her face and in her heart.

What I don't tell her is about my second visit from Adrian. I don't know why.

When we're done talking, she refills hot water for the last time before having me lay back. She washes my hair, massaging my scalp with her long, graceful fingers before rinsing it. We giggle and switch the conversation to campus gossip as she lifts my legs one for one and shaves them without so much as a nick. She washes my feet gently, even though they don't hurt anymore. She puts a towel close to the bath and fetches my underwear, sweatpants and t-shirt that I always leave stashed in her cupboard for when we have unscheduled sleep overs. Then she leaves me up to do the rest as she goes back to the room waiting for me.

I'm out within minutes, not wanting to be gone from her for any more time than necessary.

She scoots over in her bed and I climb in next to her, wet hair and all. She doesn't complain. She covers us with her fluffy blanket and when she wraps her arm around me from behind, I grab onto it and I don't let go.

We needed this. This…"us" time. This time to reconnect our bond and love and friendship.

We don't talk again. We fall asleep with our fingers still intertwined.

 **Hope you en joyed their time together…they really needed it!**

 **As always, your thoughts are welcomed!**


	22. Chapter 22

**I just wanted to take a moment to thank all my Guest Reviewers - I so wish you were logged in so that I could respond, but just know that I value each and every one of your reviews, just as I do with every logged in review.**

 **Bit of Mommy time up next...**

 **CARRIE UNDERWOOD LYRICS**

 **Song for Chapter 22 - Mama's Song by Carrie Underwood**

 _Mama, you taught me to do the right things.  
So, now you have to let your baby fly.  
You've given me everything that I will need.  
To make it through this crazy thing called life.  
And I know you watched me grow up,  
and only want what's best for me.  
And I think I found the answer to your prayers._

 _And he Is good, so good._  
 _He treats your little girl,_  
 _like a real man should._  
 _He is good, SO good._  
 _He makes promises he keeps._  
 _No, he's never gonna leave._  
 _So, don't you worry about me._  
 _Don't you worry about me._

I wake up again when Lissa's alarm goes off. She's already up and in the bathroom.

My head starts hurting just thinking of what this day will bring.

The repercussions of our actions include the fact that a Novice died, at my hand no less. We knowingly endangered the life of a Moroi, who just happens to be a Royal too. All these actions led to Dimitri going behind the Academy's back and working with my mother and father to save me, again risking Christians' life. My father. I groan at the thought. As if I don't have enough to deal with.

It suddenly strikes me that I left Dimitri sleeping again without telling him where I was going. I jump up, frantically scratching in the bottom of Lissa's wardrobe for my spare sneakers.

"He knows you're here," Lissa says as she walks into the too fully dressed.

I look at her questioningly.

"He called one of the Guardians outside my room. He thought this was where you would go, but he wanted to be sure."

I sit back flat on the floor, hanging my head between my knees.

"Oh Lissa...what have I done?" I ask as the full impact of what happened starts settling in my bones.

She kneels in front of me, pulling my head up.

"Rose, listen to me. Whatever happens today, I'll be with you every step of the way. And remember, Christian and Eddie are in it too. And don't forget Dimitri," she says, her eyes twinkling at our love.

"He's already done so much, Lissa. He might lose his position at the campus because of me and my childish adventure. And there's the fact that he took me to his room. This is what I was so afraid of...tarnishing his reputation. Making him regret loving me."

She stand up, offering her hand and pulls me up too.

"No moping," she says sternly. "You're Rose Hathaway!" she tells me as she laughs. "There's not one male Moroi on campus that isn't aware of the fact you'll kick their ass and ask questions later. You take out all the Novices in class, with the exception of Eddie on the odd occasion, and that after missing classes for two years. You kept me safe on your own for so long without so much as a thought for your own safety. You're the strongest person I know. You can do this Rose, whatever happens, you can do this... _we_ can do this."

Her speech is typical Lissa. In that airy royal way of hers that commands attention and leaves no room for contestation.

And she makes everything seem a little bit better...until a knock on the door.

She gives me a reassuring smile and squeezes my shoulders in passing as she walks past me and opens the door.

"Princess Dragomir." Shit. My mother.

"Guardian Hathaway, please come in."

I turn to face what I'm sure is utter and complete disappointment at my actions coupled with unrivaled fury.

But I don't see any of those as I look into her eyes. She steps past Lissa and walks to me quickly, taking my face in her hands as she reaches me, staring at me long and hard...deep into the recesses of my damaged soul.

And then she pulls me against her and in that moment I can't find any resentment inside of me. I dig deep for the abandonment issues I carry around with me every day. But I come up empty handed. So I do the only thing i can, the only thing a daughter would do when she desperately needs her mother's love. I wrap my arms around her and hold on. Hold onto this moment like I never want it to end.

When she eventually lets me go, I see Lissa has left the room and we are alone.

"Don't ever do that to me again!"

I can't help the lopsided smile I give her. "You sound exactly like Lissa," I say as I sit back down on the bed. She joins me and takes my hands in hers, running her thumbs over my healed knuckles.

"Rose, there are so many things I could tell you right now. How what you did was stupid beyond belief comes to mind first. But...I think you already know that. You're living in the aftermath of your decisions; no one needs to remind you of anything. But what I do want to tell you is that I want to be here for you, if you'll let me. I've been absent from your life for so long. When Dimitri called, I was devastated. All I could think about was getting to you, making you safe again. And to tell you I love you."

I can't stop the tears that course down my cheeks as I listen to her. This is all I've ever wanted. To know she loves me. And I suppose I could make her suffer if I wanted to; push her away because of the years I hardly saw her. But...recent events have taught me how very short life can be.

"I love you too, Mom. So very much," I say as I lean forward and hold her again.

"Rose, one thing i do have to ask you is about your relationship with Guardian Belikov."

"What about it?" I ask, immediately defensive.

"Don't get that tone with me, Rose. I'm not the enemy here. I can't say that I'm thrilled about it at all, but I saw what that man went through the last few days. There's no denying he cares very deeply for you. But, you do understand that the cat is out of the bag now, so to speak. At least with Dr. Ozlenski, Headmistress Kirova and Guardian Alberta. Lissa, Christian, Eddie, Adrian...do you trust them to keep quiet about this?"

I answer without hesitation. Because even though I hardly know Adrian, I feel that I can trust him with my life.

"Yes, I trust them all implicitly."

She nods.

"Good. Now, tell me how this relationship started, Rose. I need to know so that I can do the right thing here."

And so I tell her. I tell her about Dimitri finding Lissa and me. I tell her about the extra classes. I tell her about our talks, how he helped me through so many difficult choices and childishness. I tell her how I think I loved him even then although he never crossed any line. I tell her the truth about the lust spell, how he lied and told me it was just a spell because he was hell bent on doing the noble thing.

I tell her everything.

She doesn't interrupt me; listening intently to my history with Dimitri right up until our present.

She's quiet for a while after and I leave her be as she takes time to process everything that I've said.

"I've met Dimitri twice before," she says, surprising me. He never mentioned it, but then again, up until now, my mother had always been a sore point for me, one I hardly ever discussed. "Once a few years ago in Russia when we were both on a retrieval squad and then again when the Academy called in his assistance with tracking you and Lissa. And each time he surprised me with the seriousness he approached his Guardianship, especially given he's so young. After what you've just told me, I can see that he tried everything in his power to stay away from you, to protect you."

She once again surprises me when she smiles and reaches for my hands again.

"But...sometimes love is too strong to contain, Rose. It won't be suppressed and it won't be forgotten. That's the kind that you hold onto, Rose. The kind you fight for and never let go."

I shake my head slowly in awe at the woman sitting in front of me. She's my mother, yet it seems I don't know her at all.

"Aren't you going to tell me I'm too young to know what love is? Or tell me how stupid it is to fall in love with the very Guardian that is going to protect Lissa by my side?"

She laughs softly at my stunned expression.

"No, I'm not going to tell you those things. You might only be 17, but you've always been wise beyond your years, even if you pull the odd stunt here and there. And where Lissa is concerned, I don't believe for one moment that you would ever let anything stand in the way of protecting her and if it ever came to it, you would do the right thing and request a transfer rather than endanger her. And I also believe that you would never be able to love a man that did not share your sentiments. God, I've missed so much of your life, Rose. I have so much to make up for."

Her eyes are shining with unshod tears and I give her hands a light squeeze.

"You're here now, Mom. That's all that matters," I say honestly.

She wipes her eyes then and gets up.

"There's something I have to tell you. Your father..."

"Is here...I know."

"I would have liked you to meet under different circumstances, but...If you know he's here I'm sure you know he played a big role in your extraction."

"Yes. I was inside Lissa's head when Dimitri made the call to you."

"Inside her head?" she questions. "I know you're bonded, but..."

"I can sort of get into her mind if I want, see through her eyes. Sometimes when she lets her emotions get the better of her she pulls me in without even knowing it."

"That's definitely going to come in handy when you're her Guardian."

"Mom, after what I did, I very much doubt they're going to ever appoint me Lissa's Guardian."

My mother just laughs. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Lissa had been very vocal the past few days about what's going to happen if they even think of appointing you to someone else. I believe her threats included 'making a run for it again and this time no one will find us'."

Yeah, that's my Moroi right there, I think with a smile.

"Back to your father. He witnessed Dimitri's behavior and protectiveness of you as well. He's the reason we allowed you to stay in his room. Now, they'll be calling us all in very soon. I've bought us a few hours, but not a lot. I think you should head to your room to get dressed and then wait for us there. I'm going to have to relay your relationship with Dimitri to him in order for him to help both of you. Is that okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay, let's go then," she says as she takes my hand in hers.

It feels right. Like even though I hadn't been aware, she's been holding my hand all along.

 **So, what do you think about Janine? I just love her!**

 **Let me know what you think, I value each and every one as always!**

 **xo**


	23. Chapter 23

**I'm glad everyone enjoyed Janine. Little bit of Abe coming up.**

 **Song for Chapter 23 – Confessions of a broken heart by Lindsay Lohan**

 _Daughter to father, daughter to father  
I am broken but I am hoping  
Daughter to father, daughter to father  
I am crying, a part of me is dying and  
These are, these are  
The confessions of a broken heart_

My mother opens the door and we're met with three Guardians.

"Pavel, this is Abe's daughter, Rose," my Mom introduces us and we shake hands. She doesn't bother introducing me to the other two.

"Rose, Pavel is Abe's Head Guardian and a very old friend to both me and your father. He is going to accompany you to your room. It's just a precaution to keep everyone at bay with the questions until we've had our meeting with Kirova and Petrov. The last thing we want is second hand gossip floating around before we've presented our case. He's also under strict instructions from Abe to not leave your side so don't give him a hard time," she adds as she winks at me with a smile.

"I'll try my best," I joke back easily, loving how our relationship's dynamics has changed so fast.

She leaves then, the other two Guardians following her with us heading in the direction of the back exit.

"Why does my mom have Guardians with her?" I question as we step outside. "I mean, she's one of the best around, isn't she?"

"Let's just say your father is extremely...over protective of the people he loves," he answers simply.

I don't push for more information. I have an idea that he won't give me more than that in any case, his loyalty bound to my father. But I do wonder about one thing...the people he loves? Does he still love my mother? If so, why did they separate?

We take the back route to my dorm which is right next to Lissa's and remain largely unseen due to classes being in session.

Pavel remains outside my door while I go in and change into something a little bit more formal. I pull my hair up and brush my teeth before opening my door again.

"Umm...you can wait inside of you want."

"Thank you, but I'd rather remain on guard," he says in a friendly demeanor as he smiles my way. I let him be; knowing that's what is expected of him.

I sit on my bed fidgeting for a few minutes until I see Pavel moving so that he's standing in the doorway and I hear footsteps approaching.

"Pavel, all good?" I hear Dimitri's voice and I jump up, ducking under Pavel's arm and into the only embrace that I want to be in.

He chuckles behind me as he moves to the side again.

"All good, Dimitri, as you can see."

I pull him into my room and close the door behind us just before he pulls me against him, his mouth descending on mine with a grace of a warrior in love.

"I missed you when I woke up," he says as he nuzzles my neck. "Can you please stop running out on me like that?" His voice is loving but frustrated and I giggle into his neck.

"You were sleeping so peacefully. I didn't want to wake you. I can't...I can't imagine you had much rest since this whole thing happened."

I battle with my words. I don't know how to talk about what happened with him and I'm struggling to understand it. Dimitri has always been the one person I could tell anything to, sometimes even more than Lissa. Why then do I battle so with this?

His head lifts and his eyes find mine.

"I couldn't sleep," he admits. "Not until I knew you were safe and...more yourself."

"I..."

My declaration of love is cut short as Pavel knocks on the door before opening it wide. "Heads up. Your father has just entered the dorms."

I smile my thank you at his discretion. I have a feeling we're going to get along just fine.

I wring my hands nervously as footsteps near the room. Dimitri sees this and takes my hand in his. This gesture on his part surprises me, yet warms my insides at the same time. His willingness to share our relationship freely with those who now know makes me want to rip his clothes off and possess him...right here...right now.

"Don't look at me like that," he says with a smile.

"Like how?" I ask innocently.

But I don't have time to answer before I look to the door to see a Moroi in my doorway.

He's tall, slightly broad but not overly so. His hair is dark, very dark...just about as dark as his eyes. He has the most absurd lime green scarf around his neck and...wait, are those earrings?

But none of that detracts from his presence. It screams danger and demands respect. Yet, I can't help but smile as the words 'pirate mobster' comes to mind.

"Rose." It's just one word that he utters. Just my name. Yet that one word is so raw with emotion it makes my heart ache.

My mother steps into the room past him and nods for him to do the same.

He seems unsure, which is a total contrast to his obvious self-confidence. It reminds me of Dimitri's uncertainty when it comes to emotional things because he's never had to deal with it before. It endears me to him a little and so I let go of Dimitri's hand and step towards him.

"Abe...I mean...Dad," I stumble.

"No," he says quickly. "I mean, Abe is fine until you feel comfortable with Dad."

We just stand there, staring at each other, silence all around.

I have so many questions.

Where have you been?

Why did you leave us?

Did you think of me?

Did you miss me?

Do you love me as I love you, even though I don't know you?

"I really do hate to move this along," my mom says apologetically, "but we only have twenty minutes before our meeting. Rose, Dimitri, I've spoken to Abe about your relationship based on what Rose told me earlier. There _will_ be more talk on this and everything else later, but right now, we need to focus on the meeting."

"Yes, Janine, thank you for being the voice of reason as usual," Abe says to my mom. She gives him a sarcastic glare which he returns with a sweet smile.

What the hell? Are they flirting? In front of me? I look to Dimitri but he just shrugs, choosing to stay out of it.

"There are two agenda items here," Abe continues. "Number one, Rose, will be your blatant disregard for the Academy's rules."

"Hey," I interrupt indignantly. I know he's my dad but he can't just waltz in here and call me out like that...can he?

One look from him silences me though.

"I didn't mean it offensively. Trust me, I'm all for breaking the rules," he says with a wicked grin, "but sometimes, as in this case, things go wrong and all you can do is control the damage that ensues. Fact is, a Novice died out there. You, Mason and Eddie endangered the life of a Royal Moroi, which is unheard of in the Guardian world. We have Ozera on our side and even though he was part of this circus, he still remains a Royal and his testimony will count for something. Another good thing for us is the fact that Ivashkov is the Queen's great nephew, a fact he is very much taking advantage of as we speak. We need to play on the point that you inadvertently stumbled upon a larger than normal Strigoi grouping close to campus grounds. There must have been a reason for gathering so close by. Your foolish actions just might have saved the Academy from a disastrous attack."

Oh, he's good, really good…I think…

"The other is obviously your relationship. Although I'm certainly not going to tell you how to live your life, we can't ignore the Academy rules. From what Janine told me you are quite the persistent young lady, Rose. Reminds me of myself," he says with a smile as he looks toward my mom again.

In that way...eeew...

"Anyway, it is contained to the highest level though and if we can get through the first agenda point, I think we might just be able to get them to overlook this. The both of you do however realize that no one else can find out about you. I have been told that some of your friends know, Rose, but Janine assured me you trust them and so shall I. But the Academy will not have its reputation tarnished and if they feel at any time that you can't contain your relationship, they will get rid of either one of you, or both. Dimitri, besides the fact that I know you are currently the highest qualified Guardian in America and only matched by a few others worldwide, I have also witnessed your love for my daughter and you're unwavering commitment to her protection. I respect that. Love, my dear young ones, true love is such a rare thing in this world. When you find it..." he says as he glances at my mother, "fight for it and never give up."

I gape at him. Did he just...are they...

He sees my expression and suddenly claps his hands together and laughs. It's a deep throaty laugh and I see my mother smiling at him indulgently.

"So, let's get this show on the road," he says as he turns to go but then he backtracks.

"Rose, one more thing. Lissa came to see me this morning. She was going to discuss this with you herself, but Janine showed up. Rose, she's offered to compel Petrov and Kirova, which means this whole thing ends now, before it even starts. But she wants you to decide."

Of course Lissa would do that, I think. That's why she was so upbeat this morning, not a worry in the world.

I look up at Dimitri, our eyes connecting and our gazes hold for a few seconds. I see in his eyes he feels the same as I do, so I look back at Abe.

"I think we'll decline her offer, Abe. I'm sorry if this just makes everything more difficult, but I did something wrong, and I have to face the consequences. As far as Dimitri go, even though I fully understand we have to be discreet, I won't treat our love for each other like a dirty little secret. I'll rather take my chances."

I expect Abe to be upset with me for taking the hard route, but he chuckles as he looks at my mom...again...in that way...what the hell?

"She's definitely got your scruples Janine, but her tenacity and nose for danger, that's all on me."

Was that a compliment?

And with that, he turns without another word and we follow him out, surrounded by twelve Guardians, Pavel and my mom flanking him in the front.

Just before we step outside, Dimitri lets go of my hand and we share a quick look, one that says this is the part we hate most. But right now, we're willing to do anything to stay together, even if it means pretending our love doesn't exist.

 **So, they're heading to have the meeting that will decide their futures…**

 **What do you think?**

 **xo**


	24. Chapter 24

**Hold on tight my lovely friends…**

 **Song for Chapter 24 – Psychotic Break by Jerry Cantrell**

 _I feel the fear take hold_  
 _Reside in darkness, thrive where most won't go_  
 _Adrift, I curse this gift_  
 _And hope you'll never know_

 _Feel like a psychotic break comin' on_  
 _Snapping two by fours_  
 _Punching holes in dry wall_

 _Feel like a psychotic break comin' on_  
 _Chalking up my dead friends_  
 _And loved ones long gone_

We again follow back routes, but with classes still in session, the campus grounds are almost empty, save for the patrolling Guardians.

As we enter the waiting room I see Eddie leaning against the far wall at the same time he sees me. I rush past my entourage as he runs to me. I literally jump into his arms and he twirls me around twice before setting me back on my feet, but we don't let go of each other.

I run my finger along a faded scar on his cheek and another darker one on his forehead. Faded, thanks to Lissa.

"Hey," I say quietly.

"Hey," he responds just as quiet. Like this is private, like we don't want anyone else to hear, although there is nothing to hide.

"How are you holding up?" he asks.

I shrug but he knows me better and fixes me with his gaze.

"Okay, I guess. I mean, there's such a lot going on right now I don't have much time to think about it."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I met your dad. He's been keeping the higher powers off my back, insisting we face them together instead of separately. He seems cool."

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he? I haven't had any time with him but I guess I will after this."

Eddie nods and then gets that naughty look in his eye coupled with his gorgeous grin. "So, you and Belikov, hey?"

I throw my head back and laugh.

"Yeah," I admit shyly.

"You know you're gonna tell me all about it later."

I nod. It feels good to be able to talk about Dimitri to my friends. It's more than I could have hoped for right now.

Eddie's face suddenly goes all serious and I know what he's going to say before he says it, so I stop him.

"Don't. Please," I beg as I feel my breathing speed up.

"We have to talk about it, Rose. It happened, we can't ignore it." His voice is laced with the grief that rages inside of me.

"I know...and we will. Just, not now. Not yet. I'm not ready."

He gazes at me with concern and catches a tear that's making its way down my face with his finger.

"Okay," he allows. "Not now."

He pulls me against him and I stand in his embrace until a voice startles us both.

"We're ready for you." Alberta.

When I look back I see Christian has joined our group and he mouths 'later' to me, postponing our first time together after the fight, and I nod.

I find Dimitri's eyes and I can see how badly he wants to come to me, to support me in every way he can, but we both know right now is not the time to rub our love life in the noses of our judges waiting inside.

I smile at him, letting him know I know what he's feeling before I follow behind my father and mother. Our fate lies in the hands of the two people sitting inside this room. I only hope Abe's plan works, and that whatever Adrian is working on will be enough to pull us through.

O0O

.

.

.

.

I'm tired. Tired and agitated and pissed off. But I can't show any of it.

We've been in the meeting room for over two hours.

Two hours of being questioned tirelessly. Same questions, just asked in a different way.

Over and over and over again.

"I dragged Christian out kicking and screaming because he refused to leave Rose. She gave the order to get him out. I've told you this before," Eddie says frustrated as hell as he pushes his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time.

Abe speaks up then.

"Headmistress Kirova, you've gotten the same story from these kids for over two hours. If they were hiding anything, one of them would have slipped by now. Look at them. They've been through a terrible ordeal and they're soul weary. Don't you think it's enough?"

I risk a glance to Dimitri again where he's seated next to my mother. Strategic placing, Abe had called it. He's the only one of us that doesn't seem tired, his perfect Guardian mask unflinching. Even as he related his side of the story several times, he remained cool and calm.

That is to say, that's what it seems like to everyone else around this table, except me. I know him too well. The fine lines beneath his eyes have become more defined, his eyes usually a bright delicious brown are dimmed. I see him tense slightly every time a question is directed at me; his concern for me always at the forefront of his mind.

"Yes, Mr. Mazur, I think we've nailed down the specifics quite accurate," she agrees, but then she looks my way again.

"There is however still the account of exactly how Mason died that we have to work through."

And there it falls. Did I really think she wasn't going to ask that? I was hoping…

My hands are suddenly clammy and my heart rate speeds up to a dangerous level, threatening to burst from my aching chest. I try with all my power to suppress the panic rippling over the shores of my sanity...like the shallow waters rippled over my feet as I sat with Adrian.

 _Adrian_ , I think. _Where are you? Save me...please save me..._

"Rose?" Guardian Alberta says, waiting for me.

"We fought, I staked him," I say, hardly keeping the trembling from my voice.

"Rose, I know this is difficult, but you're going to have to be a bit more specific than that," she says.

"There's nothing more to it," I try again through gritted teeth.

Ripples

Hold on Rose

Rising tide

Don't let go Rose

Waves rolling in

Keep calm Rose

Washing over me

"Rose..."

Aaaand...there it goes...it bursts through my body...imploding before expanding...impossibly bright…terrifyingly dark.

I jump out of my seat so fast it falls back.

"What is it that you want to hear?" I ask heatedly, my sanity dangling on a dangerously thin thread. "Do you want to hear how my best friend attacked me? How I had no choice to defend myself?"

I brace my hands on the table, my breathing shallow and quick, making the panic surge once again at the lack of oxygen to my lungs. I gasp desperately, trying to fill my lungs, but it's useless.

I notice Dimitri get up and he starts rounding the table but I move in the opposite direction as he nears.

"Don't come near me," I say to him, the same venom in my voice that I had just before he sedated me.

Everyone else sits frozen...like statues.

I direct my attention at Alberta again, keeping track of Dimitri in my peripheral vision. "Do you want to know how badly he wanted to turn me? How I could feel his breath at my throat and his teeth grazing my skin?" A shudder shakes me to my core at the memory.

Dimitri moves again and I glare at him.

"Dimitri...I swear to God, if you touch me..." I leave the threat open ended.

My voice is filled with animosity…menace…but not for him. Does he know it's not for him?

That fucking pitiful look is back in his eyes. I hate it.

I turn to Alberta again. "Or maybe you want to know what it was like staking him? How I felt every inch of his body as it gave way to my thrust? Is that what you want? I killed my fucking best friend! Butchered him like a fucking animal!"

I'm shouting now and oh God, all I want to do is jump over this table and beat the living shit out of Kirova and Petrov, my body literally vibrating with the need to. My body shifts robotically, readying to fight, but…

Strong arms band around me from behind.

Arms I know. Arms I love.

I immediately start struggling against him.

"Dimitri, let me go. Fuck!"

I struggle, even though I know it's in vain. His arms are like vices.

I struggle, scratching his arms, digging my nails into him.

I struggle, throwing my head back, trying to hit him in the face, but he dodges it every time.

I scream and kick and try every single maneuver he taught me to get out of this exact grip he has me in, but it's useless.

"Roza," he whispers pained at my ear. "Please, come back to me."

His words.

 _Come back to me…_

How can I do that when I can't even find myself right now?

I start crying then.

No, it's not crying.

It's more of a wailing sound that bursts forth…a terrifyingly gutted sound that fills the room…

It goes on

and on

and on

"Please," I beg softly as I go limp, my head falling back on his strong broad chest. "Please let me go. Please..."

But he doesn't. He goes down with me as my legs give in, holding me close.

This isn't the same hold he had on me minutes ago. He's not containing me anymore. This is the way he holds me when we make love, when we lay in each other's arms in bed.

This is the hold that keeps me safe, keeps me grounded, the hold that speaks a thousand unspoken words.

My anguished crying has stopped, but the tears keep coming, flooding my eyes, my face, my entire being. It drowns me from the inside out as I desperately try to break the surface.

"Please let me go...Please let me go...Please let me go..."

I hear myself chanting the words over and over even though I'm holding onto him for dear life.

I don't even flinch when I feel the familiar prick in my arm.

"No...No darkness," I mumble against his chest as I feel my senses numbing from the shot someone just gave me.

"Please let me go...Please let me go..."

 **Oh Rose, I'm hurting for you so much right now.**

 **As always, give me your thoughts.**

 **xo**


	25. Chapter 25

**Oi, Dimitri…really? Can't you just wait a bit? Lol, yeah, this one's all him.**

 **Song for Chapter 25 – Fear by Bon Jovi**

 _I see you looking over your shoulder  
Tell me who do you think's out there  
You're reaching for your four leaf clover  
But baby there ain't no luck down there  
I swear that there's no heart in this city  
It's here the slogan reads  
"Do your time" everybody's doing  
their sentence  
It's just there ain't nobody here  
Who knows just what's the crime  
I watched my father live a lie here  
I'd rather die than fade away  
I read the rules  
And yeah I know them  
Still you ain't ever gonna  
Make me play the game of  
Fear_

 **D POV**

My mind is in a state of utter despair as I look down at Rose sleeping next to me. Her hand is still tightly curled into my shirt, even though she's far away chasing demons in her nightmare. Her rest is anything but peaceful, terrifying moans escaping her lips every so often.

We're in a bedroom in the guest quarters where Abe and Janine are staying while they are here. Abe insisted I bring her here. It's just easier to keep people away from her if they don't know where she is and there are around twenty of Abe's Guardians surrounding us, which makes it easier for me to relax.

God, I love her so much. Much more than I thought possible. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Rose has always been so strong one. The brave. The one that's on the forefront of danger. She thrives on it, depends on it. How will she cope with this fear? How can I help her regain her self confidence?

I hear the door downstairs open and close and hushed whispers followed by two sets of footsteps coming up the stairs. There's a soft knock on the door but the Princess doesn't wait for an answer before stepping into the room followed by Ozera.

Her heart is breaking for Rose, any fool can see that. I try and shift away from her so that I can get up but she grabs onto me even tighter.

"Don't leave me…he's coming…" she mumbles and even though I can hardly hear her, the terror in her voice is unmistaken.

"Stay with her," the Princess whispers as she walks to the other side of the bed. She crawls behind Rose and molds her body to that of her friend, her arm wrapping tightly around her.

"It's okay," she whispers as she cries silently against Rose's shoulder. "It's okay…we've got you….it's okay…" Over and over again.

Eventually Ozera comes around and gently pries her away from Rose. She lets him pull her into his arms where she tries her best to compose herself while wrapped in his comfort.

"Has she been sleeping all the time?" Ozera asks.

"Yes. But…she's not resting. She's fighting, even in her sleep."

"Is she ever going to be okay, Dimitri? We can't lose her."

Before I can answer a commotion is heard downstairs and it heads up our way. I'm relieved. What answer could I have possibly given them if I wasn't even sure myself?

The door bursts open and Abe, Janine, Eddie and Adrian come walking in. They quiet down immediately when they see Rose is still out.

"Well, seeing as though we're all here, let me give you a brief on what happened after my daughter's less than graceful exit," Abe says. I guess he's trying to lighten the mood somehow, but he doesn't succeed.

"Right, well, it was touch and go there for a moment. Kirova really has it in for Rose, I suppose with her history of making a run for it with Lissa. But…Ivashkov here really pulled through."

Great. Saved by the Royal.

"He managed to get the Queen to see reason by informing her of Rose and Lissa's bond and the fact that Rose can actually get into Lissa's mind. As Lissa is the last of the Dragomirs, the Queen thought it imperative to her safety for Rose to continue and graduate so that she is fit to be her Guardian. The Queen basically ordered the Academy that Rose not be expelled. As for Eddie, he's lucky to have been top of his class alongside Rose thus far and no black marks against him, so he's staying as well."

Rose suddenly pulls at my shirt again, her frightful whimpers filling the room as she tries to get closer to me. I tighten my grip on her, running my fingers through her hair.

"I'm here, Roza," I whisper close to her ear and she instantly relaxes against me.

"As for you two," Abe says as he watches the scene before him, "Ivashkov again managed to sway the Queen on your relationship."

Again.

"As long as you keep it under wraps, you'll be okay. Letting you go, Dimitri, will only cause Rose more grief and possibly force her hand into leaving the Academy altogether to be with you. But, I say again, keep it to yourselves and those who know. Kirova has made it perfectly clear that she will not have the Academy's reputation put at risk because of your relationship."

"Of course, we're Guardians. Discreet is our middle name," I say tiredly as I rub my forehead, which is pounding away.

"Abe is staying on for another two weeks, Dimitri," Janine says. "Rose will be allowed to stay here for that time, and of course, yourself. Just make sure your comings and goings are also unnoticeable as much as possible. You know how gossip spreads on this campus."

I nod and then, gritting my teeth, I look at Ivashkov.

"Thank you for your help," I say as mannerly as I can. I think I manage just fine, but then he tests my patience.

"Oh, I hardly did it for you, Guardian Belikov," he says with a smirk, his eyes on the woman I love. "Rose was my first priority here."

Fuck, it takes all my self-control not to tear myself away from Rose and wipe that smug look off his face.

"Now, now," Abe says chuckling, seemingly amused. "Let's keep it clean, boys." He then gives Ivashkov a hardened glare, which makes him step down and drop his arrogance.

Lucky for him, Rose starts stirring next to me, her hand letting go of my shirt as her eyes slowly open. She seems a bit dazed until she looks up into my eyes.

I've never been a person that gives into panic. Well, not until I started loving Rose. Not until I knew what it feels like to almost lose the one person that makes your life worth living.

But as I look into her eyes, an all-new terror grips me deep inside. Because her gaze holds nothing. Emptiness. She's looking at me, but not really. And it's scaring the shit out of me.

I look over to Princess Dragomir who sees the distress on my face and hurries over. She must see it too because she gasps and her hand comes to rest on my arm.

I'm vaguely aware of Abe getting rid of all the men, much to Christian and Eddie's dismay, and he leaves with them and Adrian, closing the door behind them.

Janine comes around to the Princess and I hear her gasp as well.

Rose is oblivious to them, her eyes still firmly stuck on mine. Seeing, yet not seeing. It's frightening.

"Rose, do you need anything" I ask as I stroke her cheek softly.

"I'm thirsty," she says and I want to cry with relief that she's actually speaking. I move to get up but she pulls me back down. "Not you."

"I'll get some," Janine says and she goes into the bathroom to get a glass of water. "Here you go," she says to Rose as she hands her the glass.

She sits up slowly, her body sluggish and lazy. She takes the glass with shaky hands and drinks it in one go.

"Thanks," she says as she hands it back, but her voice is emotionless, void of any feeling.

She immediately dives into my side again and I wrap her up as tight as I can without hurting her.

"So…anyone want to tell me what happened after I lost my shit?"

I should probably laugh at her attempt at humor, but I don't. Because there's not a trace of humor in her voice as she says it.

 **Dimitri is so worried about her. But I have faith…I mean, come on, this is Rose we're talking about, right?**

 **As always, share your thoughts with me!**

 **xo**


	26. Chapter 26

**Song for Chapter 25 –** **You found me by Kelly Clarkson**

 _Is this a dream?_

 _If it is_

 _Please don't wake me from this high_

 _I'd become comfortably numb_

 _Until you opened up my eyes_

 _To what it's like_

 _When everything's right_

 _I can't believe_

 _You found me_

 _When no one else was lookin'_

 _How did you know just where I would be?_

 _Yeah, you broke through_

 _All of my confusion_

 _The ups and the downs_

 _And you still didn't leave_

 _I guess that you saw what nobody could see_

 _You found me_

 _You found me_

I nod and nod and nod. Through the entire relay of events since I lost my shit, I nod. I should be happy about the outcome, shouldn't I? Then why aren't I?

Lissa and my mother are sitting on the edge of the bed. I see their eyes dart to Dimitri's now and again. I'm too quiet. I'm too composed.

I'm lost.

I see Lissa's hand reach for my leg but I flinch, crawling deeper into Dimitri's side. I see her heart breaking. I don't care. Don't touch me. I didn't ask you to.

I see a tear run down my mother's cheek. Janine Hathaway. Courageous Guardian crying. I think of Dimitri's tears. Seems I have a knack for bringing even the most feared among us to their knees.

"Rose…Roza, please, say something," my Russian god pleads.

I'm tired. So tired. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why do they keep _pushing_?

I turn my head against the silk covered headboard and look at him.

"Get out."

Did I say that? Yes, I did.

I see the agony in his eyes turn up a notch. Well done, Rose. No, really, well done. What is your aim? To break him? To make him leave you? Is that what you want?

"Roza…" his broken voice pleads.

"Don't call me that," I say without looking at him and I move to the side of the bed, standing on shaky legs.

Inside my emotions are spewing fire, like a volcano on the brink of eruption.

Heartache...Rage...Loss...Emptiness...Self-hatred...

I try to push them out from the inside, willing them to rise to the surface and make themselves heard.

There's no space to think. There's no space to breathe.

But they ignore me. I feel like an empty shell, yet I'm anything but empty.

"Rose, please, don't shut us out," Lissa cries.

I take a deep breath and hold it, hold it till I feel my lungs burning before exhaling.

"Get out," I repeat.

I'm very much aware that I sound like a robot, there's not a trace of me in my voice.

My mother nods toward the door and Lissa follows her.

Dimitri remains. Why? I could have sworn the first time I asked them to leave, I was looking straight at him.

"Please, please go."

Usually my voice would be pleading by now. Still nothing.

I hear him sigh and I can actually feel the uncertainty inside him...should I stay or should I go.

I feel the exact moment he gives in to me. Defeat. I smell it in the air, taste it on my tongue. The Guardian god Dimitri Belikov has been defeated. Not by an equal. Not by a demon Strigoi. By me.

His back is rigid as he walks past me. I know its taking every ounce of self control for him not to turn around as he opens the door and leaves without looking back.

I notice my suitcase on the sofa by the window and take out my short black cotton pajama pants and matching spaghetti top.

Turn on shower taps

Get in

Wash hair

Wash body

Sit down on the cold tiles under hot water

Wait for water to run cold

Get up

Switch off water

Dry

Get dressed

I stand staring at the room. I don't want to be here. I want to be in Dimitri's room. This room is impersonal...empty...like me. Too white walls and too white brand new sheets are blinding me.

I grab my sneakers and sit on the side of the bed, pulling them on and tying the laces, not bothering to change. I'm just going to get into his bed in any case.

I don't even contemplate going down the stairs, I know the place must be crawling with Abe's Guardians. I open the window wide and look down and up the sides of the wall. I don't hesitate as I climb out the window onto the ledge before grabbing onto the gutter and sliding down to the green grass below.

"Up to your tricks again so soon, Rose?"

I've never met him in person, but before I even turn I know who it is.

"You gonna turn me in?" I ask as I set eyes on him for the first time while awake. He's even more beautiful than in my dreams.

"Depends. You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me? Is my aura giving me away?" Aah, emotion at last, even if it is sarcasm.

He frowns at my question.

"I can't get a hold on it. It's...like its clouded or something. It's like its not even there."

He sounds somewhat disturbed by this but it doesn't surprise me. I don't feel like I'm inside of me either.

"The room...it's unfamiliar...its suffocating me," I explain as I gesture upwards towards the window I climbed from.

He looks to the sky behind me.

"Sun's coming up," he notes. "You wanna come over to my place? I'm in the guest quarters one block down."

I glance over my shoulder to the Guardians' quarters for a few seconds before looking back at him.

"Okay."

We walk round the back, dodging three Guardians on patrols before safely slipping into Adrian's front door.

"Make yourself comfortable. There's drinks in the fridge. I'm going to take a quick shower, its been a long night."

He disappears upstairs and I go to the kitchen, opening the fridge to various bottles of vodka and four six packs of cola. I close it again, just thinking about vodka gives me the shivers after what happened with Jesse.

Next to the microwave I see some bottles of whiskey and I walk over, idly reading the labels even though I don't know the first thing about what's good and what's not.

Grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniel's Monogram Tennessee Whiskey because I like the label, I make my way over to the lounge. It's spacious, but not overly so and tastefully decorated in warm tones of browns and sunset oranges.

I spot a pile of cd's next to the music centre and grab a crystal glass from the table before walking over.

The first sip of Jack's makes me choke, but I quickly follow it with a second one which goes down much smoother and warms my stomach in a comforting way.

I flip through the cd's, finding that Adrian has a wide taste in music...Tupac, Hurts, Daughtry, Jeff Buckley, Rob Thomas, Kelly Clarkson, Kings of Leon, Natalie Merchant and lastly Muse.

I slip Kelly Clarkson in and set it to shuffle before kicking off my shoes and sitting down in the long sofa.

It's not long before Adrian comes down the stairs, whistling when he sees the glass of amber liquid in my hand.

"Sure that's a good idea Little Dhampir?" he asks as he lights a cigarette and pours himself a glass from the bottle too.

I shrug but don't answer him as I take another sip.

"May I sit next to you?"

"Sure."

He gets comfortable, mimicking me as he crosses his legs and leans back.

I watch him as he drags on his cigarette, the smoke twirling in the air. I watch him bring the glass to his mouth and take a long sip without batting an eyelid, like he's drinking water or something. He seems so at ease with himself, content to be in his own skin, like he doesn't have a care in the world.

His emerald green eyes are striking and just ads to his handsomeness. His body isn't anywhere near Dimitri's muscular one, it's rather lean, it makes me think of one of those guys that model Levi's shirtless.

He catches me staring at him and I look away quickly, feeling silly for being caught like that.

"Wanna talk?" he asks.

I consider his question.

"About what?"

He shrugs. "Anything you want."

We sit in silence again for a while. He doesn't push. It's refreshing.

"I...I was really horrible today," I say softly.

He doesn't ask why, but he turns my way on the couch, his legs now crosses towards me and I find myself doing the same.

"I feel so...detached from it all, you know? Like I have all these feelings inside and I can't get them out. I hurt Lissa. I hurt my mother. I hurt Dimitri. I just...I couldn't have them around me while I was like that."

"You're entitled to feel whatever you feel, Rose. We all understand you're going through something very personal. We're all here for you."

"I feel like I don't deserve it."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Say it."

He holds my stare, not letting me go.

"Because of my decisions. Because I killed Mason."

He leans over and kills his cigarette.

"Well, lucky for you, I'm a bit unbalanced myself so it really doesn't bother me hanging out with a murderer."

A smile tugs at my lips. He sees it.

"Aaah, there's that smile I was waiting for…little bit more, Rose…come on, I know you can do it," he teases with a smile of his own.

The tug gets stronger and before I know it I'm smiling with him.

"You're beautiful when you smile," he says as he refills our glasses. "Not that you're not beautiful when you're sulking. Whichever one suits you, go right ahead."

"You're weird."

"Gee, thanks," he says dryly, but his smile is still on his face.

"No, I don't mean it like that," I say, my smile fading once again. "You're just…different."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I think it's good. I mean, for me at least. I feel like I can tell you anything."

"You can."

"And you don't push," I say as I meet his eyes again. "Everyone expects me to talk about what happened like doing that is going to take it away. Maybe it will, I don't know. Maybe I don't want to let it go just yet."

"Then don't," he says simply.

I smile again. "What you say is in direct contradiction to everyone else."

"My life is one big contradiction, Rose," he says dramatically before he gets serious again. "I've always been somewhat of a rebel. I don't like following rules. But that's not why I'm going against what everyone else is telling you. In their minds, they're right; you should probably go see the Academy's shrink and let her dig into your brain for all the answers. But just because you should, doesn't mean you have to. I'm not the type of friend that tells you what to do or tell you what I think you want to hear, Rose. I'm the type of friend that will stand by you no matter what your decisions and I'll always be blatantly honest, whether you like it or not."

I yawn suddenly before I can stop it and he leans over and takes the glass from my hand.

"Lie down, Little Dhampir, you're exhausted," he says softly as he pulls the throw from the back rest of the sofa and drapes it over me as I take his advice.

He tops up his glass again and lights another cigarette before sitting back again.

We don't talk and my eyes refuse to stay open. I close them and listen to the music.

 _I guess that you saw what nobody could see_

 _You found me_

 _You found me_

The last thought I have before falling asleep is how those words make me think so much of Adrian.

 **Okay…don't go stressing now please, lol. Remember what I said, no cheating…**

 **Let me know what's up!**

 **xo**


	27. Chapter 27

**Song for Chapter 27 – Sorry by Daughtry**

 _Will you listen to my story?  
It'll just be a minute  
How can I explain?_

What ever happened here  
Never meant to hurt you  
How could I cause you so much pain?

 _All the words that I come up with  
They're like gasoline on flames  
There's no excuse  
No explanation  
Believe me  
If I could I'd undo what I did wrong  
I'd give away all that I own_

 _When I say I'm sorry  
Will you believe me?  
Listen to my story  
Say you won't leave me  
When I say I'm sorry  
Can you forgive me?  
When I say I'll always be there  
Will you believe  
Will you believe me?_

When I wake up I feel more rested than I have in days. I peek to the side and see Adrian reading a book, whiskey still in hand.

"How long was I asleep?" I ask as I sit up and stretch my arms above my head with a satisfied smile.

"About three hours," he says as he watches me smiling.

Shit. Dimitri must be sick with worry. He would have thought of looking for me at his place, but no one would think of looking for me here.

"I have to go," I say as I get up quickly and fold the throw before hanging it over the sofa again. I pull my sneakers on hastily, not bothering with the laces.

"Yeah, might as well try and catch some sleep myself," he says as he puts his book down before downing what's left in his glass. "Do you want me to walk back with you?"

"No, it's fine. I have years of practice dodging the patrols," I smirk and we head for the door. "Besides, I can't exactly waltz in the front door now, can I? I'll have to go up the way I came down."

Before I walk out I impulsively lean over and hug him. He hugs me back. It's easy being like this with Adrian. It feels natural...like I've known him for years.

"Thank you…for everything."

He nods and pushes me playfully out the door and then I'm off.

Getting up is a bit more tricky than going down but I've been climbing the trees on the grounds since I was little so I do it without falling, which I suppose is good enough. I push aside the dark heavy blinds and drop them behind me again, shrouding the room in darkness, my eyes still blinded from the bright sun outside.

"Where have you been?"

"Shit!" My eyes adjust quickly to see Dimitri sitting in the arm chair on the far side of the corner. "How long have you been here?"

"Just over two hours. Where were you?" His voice is just about as emotionless as mine was earlier.

I can't lie to him.

"I was on my way to your room when I ran into Adrian…" I don't finish my sentence as I see his entire posture stiffen before he gets up and walks to me.

"And you couldn't tell anyone before you left? How did you get out?"

"Same way I came in. I…I didn't feel like seeing anyone."

"Yet you left with Ivashkov?"

What do I say to that? Nothing, so I just nod.

He narrows his eyes then and leans closer to me, taking a sniff.

"You've been drinking."

"Just a bit. I…I just needed a time out."

He sighs tiredly as he walks backwards until his legs hit the bed and he sits down.

"He hasn't exactly got a good track record, Rose. He has a bad reputation. He's gotten away with a lot of things purely because he's the Queen's great nephew."

"Adrian hasn't been anything but a gentleman towards me" I defend him. "You should know better than to believe idle gossip."

He just nods at my statement, but I see his body relax slightly.

Wait, is he...is Dimitri jealous of Adrian? But just as quick as I think it, I unthink it. Surely he knows there's no threat there?

"I'm sorry…about earlier," I say before kicking my shoes off and getting on the bed next to him.

"There's nothing to apologize for," he says evenly.

I stare at him for a few seconds from the side. His voice…his lack of expression…he's in full Guardian mode. He's protecting himself from me, something he's never done before…

Guilt floods my system. I must have really hurt him for him to resort to this.

"Hey," I say softly as I lean closer to him.

He turns his head and looks at me.

"I really am sorry, Dimitri. I didn't mean to push you away. I just…I just felt so closed off, like I was trying to feel but there was just nothing there. Or rather, there was quite a lot going on inside, but I couldn't get it out."

"I don't understand why you won't just let me be there for you. Let me love you. It's terrifying me, seeing you like this."

His words should warm me up inside, comfort me, but they don't. Not when he says them without feeling.

I can't stand Guardian Belikov for another second.

He's too far away, too cut off from me.

"Please, I can't talk to you when you're like this…it's like I can't reach you," I say gently and I'm surprised to feel a tear running down my cheek.

It takes a few seconds, but then he drops his guard, his eyes softening, and his lips relaxing as he reaches out and wipes the solitary tear away with his finger.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I just find it easier to cope when I'm like that. I feel more in charge, like I can control the situation," he admits.

"It's okay," I say as I get up on my knees on the bed and take his face between my hands, my fingers weaving through his hair.

"I don't want to lose you, Dimitri. I know right now I'm not me, but I promise you, it's not on purpose. I want to talk to you, I don't want to shut you out, but how can I do that when _I_ don't even know how I feel? It's not a very pleasant thing...this up one moment, down the next. I've spent my entire life taught control during training to be a Guardian and I hate that I can't control myself right now."

I fall away from him, onto my back on the bed and stare at the intricate patterns on the chandelier above the bed.

"Sometimes…sometimes I can't feel anything," I confess. "That scares me the most. It feels like I'm losing myself and I don't want that."

He lies down next to me on his side, his hand finding purchase on my hip.

"I won't let that happen," he says strongly, his eyes burning with such intensity that I can't help but reach out and pull him closer to me. He doesn't resist.

"I love you so much," I say as his finger traces lazy circles on my stomach. "If I had any sense, I'd let you go because I'm all colors of fucked up and you don't deserve to be treated the way I've treated you. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again...but I'm too selfish. I can't ever let you go."

"This is what love is, Roza," he whispers. "Being there for each other, supporting each other. It's not just the good. God, I wish I could take it all away, make it all better, and it kills me that I can't. All I can do is be there for you. When you pushed me away earlier...you took away the only thing I had to offer. Please, don't do it again."

I weigh my words carefully before answering them.

"I don't think it's fair for me to make any promises to you right now. You've witnessed my erratic behavior. Please just know that if it happens again, I'm not doing it to hurt you and it definitely isn't done consciously."

He just nods and watches his fingers running over my skin for a while. I watch his fingers too. I'll never tire of his touch and I never want to be without it.

"Are you tired?"

"No, I fell asleep on Adrian's couch."

He's still watching his fingers.

"What did you do while you were there, other than sleep?" The tone in his voice is innocent enough, well, too innocent actually. He's fishing. I suppress a smile. I was right. He _is_ jealous. I know it's childish, but that fact makes my insides do somersaults. Dimitri Belikov…jealous…over me…

"Not much. Adrian went for a shower when we got there." His fingers stop moving and he lays his hand flat over my stomach. "I poured a drink and put on some music while he was busy," I continue and I feel his hand move ever so slowly from my stomach to my thigh before settling it there.

"What music?" he asks, his voice a little darker than before. Could I love him any more than I do right now?

"Kelly Clarkson."

He nods again, but I notice his hand gripping my thigh a little bit harder now. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm fascinated.

"What did you talk about?"

"Oh, a lot of things. Just sort of getting to know each other better. Adrian seems like a really nice guy. I hope he sticks around for a…Ow!"

His grip on my thigh had tightened painfully but he lets go immediately when I protest.

"Sorry," he mumbles as he gets up.

He pulls his shirt over his head and heads for the bathroom, but I quickly get off the bed and jump in his path.

"I'm just going for a shower, Rose," he says and tries to sidestep me but I stand my ground.

"What's that smirk for?" he asks as he looks down at me.

"You're jealous," I say, my smile widening.

"And you're preposterous," he responds with a frown and again tries to move around me but I block the doorway with my arm.

"Admit it," I say, giggling now.

"No," he says as he tries to duck under my arm but I move my hip towards the door jamb. He has a small smile playing on his lips.

"You're not passing until you admit it," I say just before he tickles my side and I start laughing as he picks me up effortlessly and dumps me on the bed.

He leans over me and kisses me until I'm totally senseless.

"I'm not jealous," he whispers against my mouth, that small smile still there, before pushing off the bed and walking into the shower, closing the door behind him.

"You _so_ are!" I shout before falling back down on the pillows.

He sure is.

And it's adorable.

 **Jeez, I love this guy!**

 **Can't wait to hear what you think.**

 **xo**


	28. Chapter 28

**No song for this chapter…just couldn't match one. Swimming?**

I startle when I hear a soft knock on the window I came in at. What the hell?

The blinds are momentarily pushed aside and I watch in utter amazement as Christian tries to gracefully climb over the window ledge, but fails miserably as his foot gets stuck going over and he unceremoniously falls flat on his ass.

I can't help it. I burst out laughing.

He notices me then and jumps up immediately, straightening out imaginary wrinkles on his shirt.

"They don't teach us how to climb gutters in Moroi classes," he says with a smirk as he walks over to me.

I'm in his arms before I know it, both of us holding too tight. We haven't spent any time together after the caves, yet, even without words, I can feel we're closer than what we were because of what happened.

When he eventually lets me go, he walks back over to the window, retrieving a big square container from the ledge.

"And, might I add, I scaled that fucking wall carrying a box of donuts."

"You're one awesome Moroi, you know that?" I say as I fall back against the pillows again, patting the bed next to me.

"Oh, I've known that all along," he laughs as he sits down close to my feet, handing me the box. "It's _you_ that took so long to realize it."

"Cocky bastard," I mumble around a bite of a very delicious chocolate covered donut.

"Why the graceful entrance?" I ask when I reach for a second.

"Couldn't get past the front door. Your dad's Guardians are under strict instructions to not let anyone in to see you unless it's cleared by him, your mom or Dimitri."

"What? You can't be serious?" I say angrily. "He's been absent all my life and suddenly he makes decisions on my behalf?" I make to get up, but Christian pulls me back.

"They're sleeping, Rose," he reminds me of the time. "Talk to him when he gets up. Besides, he's just trying to help. The last thing he wants is guys like Jesse sneaking up here and upsetting you."

I sigh. "Yeah, you're probably right, although, I'm still not happy about it."

"I'm not going to ask you if you're okay, because if you say yes, I know you'll be lying. So I'll ask you how you're feeling instead."

"Right now? Pretty much in control. But I don't know how long it will last...I seem to be suffering with a sudden bout of bi polar disorder."

I try to make light of it, but he sees right through me, I can see it as he stares intently at me for a while before looking down at his hands.

"I have nightmares," he says then, seeming embarrassed by his confession. "They're bad. Sometimes...sometimes they're so bad I'm too scared to go back to sleep."

"Oh, Christian," I say sadly and reach for his hand.

His admission makes me realize I'm not the only one suffering. Just because they're men doesn't mean what happened hasn't shaken them to their cores.

The bathroom door opens and Christian automatically pulls his hand from mine before Dimitri steps out. I smirk at him. He's terrified of the man, although he'll probably never admit it.

Dimitri has a black sweat pants on, no shirt. He sees me ogling and gives me a sexy wink before turning his attention to Ozera.

"Ozera," Dimitri says, surprised to see him in our room. "Was Pavel downstairs to let you in?"

I giggle as Christian shifts uneasily at the foot of the bed.

"No," he says hesitantly as he glances at me for help, but by now I'm in full blown laughter, Dimitri patiently waiting for a response.

"I...Ummm...kinda climbed through the window."

His squeaky voice sends me falling back against the pillows as I try to grab a breath between laughs but I can't.

I'm watching Dimitri for his reaction in case I need to step in, and believe me, for about two seconds I almost think I'll have to. But then he looks over to me laughing and he softens again.

"Just so you know, that won't be happening again," he says to Christian, but his eyes never leave me.

"Yes, Guardian Belikov."

"It's good to see you laughing," he says lovingly.

"It feels good too," I answer him with a smile.

Dimitri is still standing. I realize it's because of Christian. He's unsure of how to act. Even though Christian is my friend, to Dimitri, Christian is a Royal Moroi and he's a Guardian

I lean over his side of the bed and grab hold of his hand and he reluctantly allows me to pull him down to the California King. He sits up against the headboard next to me.

"So, Ozera," he starts, but is interrupted when we here shuffling outside the window followed by the blinds once again being pulled to the side.

His entire body goes rigid, coiled and ready to strike...until Lissa makes a much more elegant appearance than Christian did.

"Lissa, are you insane?" Christian says worriedly as he walks over to her. "You could have fallen."

"Oh please, Christian. Rose and I grew up climbing the biggest trees on the campus. A few uncooperative Guardians and a gutter are not enough to keep me from my best friend," she says as she looks over to me.

Dimitri is speechless.

"Close your mouth, Dimitri. That look really isn't becoming," she jokes as she walks over to me and I move to the middle to make space for her.

"Princess Dragomir..." He starts but Lissa holds up her hand and he stops talking.

"Dimitri, I realize this must be an extremely uncomfortable situation for you, but please, can we agree to drop the formalities when no one else is around? You're dating my best friend and I'd really like to get to know you outside of your Guardianship. Please, call me Lissa."

She is so genuine and imploring, that he doesn't have much of a choice.

"Okay then," he nods with a small smile. "Lissa it is."

"Excellent!" She says smiling as she claps her hands. "How did _you_ get up here?" she asks Christian as he settles at the bottom of the bed again.

"Same as you."

"Really? Wow, who would have known the high and mighty Christian Ozera could scale a wall?" she asks surprised.

"What?" he asks indignantly, which draws a chuckle from Dimitri. "I did it with a box of donuts no less."

"His entrance was a bit...off balance though," I laugh.

"Traitor," he glares my way.

"Ooh, do tell," Lissa says as she winks at his injured expression.

"His foot kinda hooked onto the ledge as he came in and he landed quite comically on his Royal Moroi butt."

"Oh, my poor baby," Lissa croons as she leans over and kisses his cheek. "Oh, that reminds me, you're not the only one bearing gifts," she says sneakily as she takes her jacket off before pulling a silver hip flask from the inside pocket.

I expect Dimitri to protest our underage drinking immediately, but he surprises me when he pulls me up against his chest as he shakes his head with a smile.

"What do you have there, Lissa?" he asks.

"Well, seeing as though you're from Russia", she says to him as she walks over to the cabinet against the wall and pulls out four shot glasses, "I thought some vodka would be appropriate."

A flash of Jesse enters my mind but I quickly push it aside. Dimitri is with me and he seems pleased with Lissa's choice. I want to share this with him.

She pours us each a shot glass and I watch in fascination as Dimitri empties his glass in his mouth. He closes his eyes and hums as he swirls the liquid in his mouth before swallowing. I swear, nothing has ever been sexier.

He opens his eyes and catches me staring. My expression must say it all because his eyes darken instantly at my look.

"Drink up, Roza," he says. Oh my God, did that vodka do something to his accent? I can't even think straight right now.

But I drop the shot in my mouth, swirling it as he did before swallowing.

"Divine," I note.

"Should be, its Stoli Elit," Dimitri says as I hand my glass back to Lissa.

"You know you're vodka, I like you already," Lissa laughs as she pours us each another one.

Another shuffling draws our attention to the window once again. Dimitri doesn't even bother.

"One guess who that is," he says before taking his next shot.

"Mother fucker," we hear Eddie whisper outside the window before climbing in.

He's quite surprised to see all of us on the bed and straightens up immediately when his eyes land on Dimitri, who sees his unease and takes wicked advantage of it.

"Would you mind telling me what you're doing climbing into Rose's bedroom window Castile?" he asks seriously.

Eddie has the grace to blush, which makes me and Lissa glance at each other as we try not to laugh.

"Yeah, Eddie," Christian says all upset as he sits up straighter. "What the hell, man?"

"Guardian Belikov, I didn't know you were here," he says, a slight tremble in his voice.

"So, it wouldn't have been a problem for you to climb through her window if she were alone?" he asks as he gets up and Eddie takes two steps back.

"No! That's not what I meant...what I meant to say is..." His voice trails off as Dimitri nears him and he eyes the window, as if jumping out is a better option than facing the Guardian stalking him.

Lissa caves then and starts laughing. I'm next, followed closely by Christian.

Eddie looks at us as if we've gone insane.

Dimitri shakes his head. "You guys can't hold out very long, can you?"

Eddie realizes then what's going on.

"Haha, very funny," he says all self-conscious.

"You should have seen your face," Christian manages to say before he starts laughing again.

"Yeah, well, you try being on the receiving end of Guardian Belikov, let's see how you like it."

"No Guardian this, Guardian that, please," Lissa says as she tries to stop laughing. "We've come to an agreement; as long as it's just us, first names are acceptable."

"By the way, how did you guys get passed those tight assed Guardians at the front door?"

"One guess," Dimitri says dryly as he lies down next to me again.

"Ha," he muses. "You'll have to put bars in front of the window, Rose."

"Trust me, if anyone else climbs through there, i might just consider it," Dimitri says. "By the way, choice language you had there outside the window, what happened?"

"I dropped something."

"What?"

"It might be something liquid," he mumbles.

"Oh, please tell me you brought more vodka," Lissa says as she walks over and peers out the window.

"Cognac, actually," he says looking everywhere except at Dimitri.

"It'll do. Well, what are you waiting for?" Lissa asks. "Go fetch it."

"No way. Do you know how difficult it was to get up here without breaking my neck?" Eddie says.

Lissa rolls her eyes at him before looking over at Dimitri. "I thought you mentioned once that Eddie was top of the class like Rose?"

Dimitri smiles at Eddie's shamefulness.

"Well then, move out the way," she says as she bumps Eddie aside to climb out the window.

"Wait, are you nuts!" Eddie says. "You're a Princess, you can't do that."

But she disappears from sight without answering and Eddie sticks his head out, watching her the entire time until she's climbing back in. It didn't even take her two minutes.

"Jeez, for a princess you sure do unladylike things," Eddie notes, which earns him a glare from Christian.

"Hey, keep your pants on Royal, it was just a joke."

"Might as well grab a spot next to Christian," Dimitri says. "Seems like our bed is the place to be today."

And so we spend the next few hours finishing the vodka and cognac, telling stories from our childhoods, recalling funny things that has happened at the Academy and joking around with each other. The caves don't even come up and I have an idea that was their plan all along. I submerge myself in their love and friendship.

I watch Dimitri seamlessly fitting in with my friends. He offers some of himself, telling them a bit about his family, Russia and St. Basils, all the while holding me close to his side. His fingers thread through my hair every so often and twice he lays a kiss on my forehead when I look back at him. It feels amazing to be able to finally share him with them, bringing two parts of my life together to form a Rose that no longer feels like I'm living two separate lives.

Knowing we have to hide it from everyone else until after graduation suddenly doesn't seem so difficult anymore. I can openly be with Dimitri in front of the people I love, that's all that matters.

Eventually we all agree to get at least a few hours' sleep. It seems Christian and Eddie have also been given a week off, but Lissa still has classes and Dimitri has two advances combat classes to head up as well as a shift afterwards.

He wants to get them back to their dorms but Lissa insists he stays, tapping her temple and though he doesn't acknowledge it, he knows exactly how she plans on getting them back unseen.

Christian manages to fall flat on his ass again at the bottom of the gutter before taking off after Lissa and Eddie who have rounded the corner already, throwing me a look at my snickering before disappearing from our sight.

"Thank the heavens that boy is not a Guardian," Dimitri chuckles as he shuts the window and closes the blinds.

I yawn as I crawl under the blankets, holding his side open until he slips in next to me.

He draws me against him, my back to his front, and I snuggle against his warm chest.

"Thank you for spending time with them like that. I appreciate it, so do they."

"I know it's important to you, Rose. I felt a bit out of place initially, but I realized it was just my own hang ups. As soon as I let my guard down, I started enjoying myself."

I yawn again and he chuckles.

"You need your rest, sleep now," he whispers as he settles behind me and I'm gone before I know it.

 **I loved this chapter Happy all around.**

 **Just to let you know, there is a chance there might not be an update for a few days. Although I'm ahead, I still have to edit here and there and I have some personal things I need to attend to that I've been dreading and putting off. Unfortunately, I can't put it off any longer.**

 **So, if I don't see you tomorrow, please don't kill me!**

 **xo**


	29. Chapter 29

**Song for Chapter 29: All nightmare long by Metallica**

 _The light that is not light is here_

 _To flush you out with your own fear_

 _You hide, you hide, but will be found_

 _Release your grip without a sound_

 _Still life_

 _Immolation_

 _Still life_

 _Infamy_

 _Hallucination_

 _Heresy_

 _Still you run, what's to come?_

 _What's to be?_

 _'Cause we hunt you down without mercy_

 _Hunt you down all nightmare long_

 _Feel us breathe upon your face_

 _Feel us shift, every move we trace_

 _Hunt you down without mercy_

 _Hunt you down all nightmare long, yeah_

 _Luck. Runs. Out._

 **Rose dreaming...**

I'm running. I don't know what from. All I know is I'm terrified.

Tunnels.

So many.

It doesn't matter which way I turn, I end up where I began.

"Don't run from me, Rose."

Mason. Of course…that's who I'm running from.

As I turn a corner run into him at full speed. He doesn't even move an inch. His hands grip my arms painfully and he pulls me to him.

I know I have to fight, but my body refuses to obey my commands.

"That's right, just relax," Mason soothes and I whimper as I look up at him, his red rimmed eyes staring into the very heart of me.

"I don't know why you run, Rose. We both know you want this," he whispers menacingly.

I try to speak but no words come out.

"I told you that you would join me one way or another," he breathes at my neck as bile rises in my throat.

His razor sharp teeth sink into my neck...and I am lost.

 **Dream ends...**

"Rose."

A touch to my arm makes me clamber backwards, the physical contact sending fear racing through my veins. My legs are tangled in the sheet and when I try to get off the bed I fall back. Shit, that hurts.

My eyes don't focus and I panic as I crawl to the nearest wall, sitting against it so no one can come at me from behind.

"Roza."

Dimitri.

My mind clears slightly at his voice. It was just a nightmare.

He's here. I'm safe. He's here. I'm safe.

I chant the words over and over in my head.

"I'm good," I answer breathless. "Just give me a minute."

After a few moments I get up and head to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my hot face and pull my fingers through my messy bed hair.

"You okay?" Dimitri asks concerned when I walk back into the bedroom.

"Bad dream, I'm okay now," I say as I crawl back into bed and he wraps his arm around me from behind.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks softly.

I shake my head and I'm relieved when he doesn't push, because the way he's pulled me back to him, my ass against him, it sets my imagination running wild.

I need him. I need to feel him, to have him entwined with me. I need him to make me feel safe.

I pretend to move in order to get comfortable, but all I really do is rub myself against him and I smile to myself when I feel him getting hard as his hand moves to my hip to still me, his lips by my ear.

"Rose, unless you're going to let me take you right now, I suggest you stop moving."

Does he have any idea what his voice does to me? When the desire he has for me deepens his voice as his accent becomes more evident? How it vibrates through my body and fuels the flames?

"Then do it," I dare, turning my head just enough to see him.

Oh my God, did he just growl?

His hand grips the top of my sleep short and I move my hips to help as he tugs them down impatiently. I want to turn to him, but he stops me.

"Oh no," he says, his hand snaking down my stomach. "I'm going to take you just like this…"

My breath hitches as he suddenly pulls my leg up and back, dropping it over his own. I'm wide open for him, which, based on my little experience should make me somewhat embarrassed, but instead it adds to my desire.

His hand fists my hair, turning my head as he leans over me and slowly licks my bottom lip before sealing his mouth over mine as his hand runs over my thigh and skims over my aching core.

"Hhhmmm…always so ready," he murmurs against my mouth as his fingers delve between my folds before he slips two fingers into me.

"Please," I beg as my eyes find his. "I need you."

"You have me," he teases as he slowly works his fingers in and out of me. I try to move against him, but his arm has my hip pinned down and I'm at his mercy.

"You know what I mean…" I moan as his fingers slip out of me, moving up and circling my clit.

"Fuck…Dimitri…inside…you inside…" I can't form a coherent sentence as I feel that warm pleasure building inside of me.

I feel him move behind me, although his fingers never stop and then he settles again. And then he's there…right there at my entrance and he slips inside of me with an inch. I try again to move against him, but he holds me still again.

"Is this what you want?" he asks huskily at my ear before edging into me a bit more.

All I can do is nod and whimper as his fingers pick up their pace. I'm so close…so close…

"More?" he asks breathless. And this time, I can't answer because as he bites into my shoulder lightly and presses down on me with his fingers I lose all sense of my surroundings. My orgasm quakes through my rigid body as my hand grabs onto his between my legs.

Without warning he pulls me back against him and fills me with one brutal thrust. I'm in the midst of my orgasm as he does this and God, I'm not sure whether another one hits me or whether I'm still on my first as he slides in and out of me at a hard, fast pace.

"That's it Roza…fuck, I love that I can make you come like this…"

I want to tell him to stop…to never stop…I'm not sure. I want to tell him I love him, that it will always be him, that I'll never want anyone else. I want to…I want to…oh no…

Is this even possible? I mean, I've just had an orgasm…or two…or three…I'm not sure. I don't even know if I can breathe through the one building right now.

"That's it…come with me Roza…I can feel how close you are…"

"Comrade…I can't…" I cry, not sure if I'll survive another one.

And then his hand slides around me again and jeez, it only takes a few strokes over my swollen oversensitive nub for me to shatter into a million pieces, clenching him so tight it almost feels like he has difficulty moving inside of me before he comes, filling me with himself…with his love.

He slowly pulls out of me and turns me so that I'm in his arms and hell, he is so beautiful it makes my chest ache.

Sweaty, sated Dimitri is definitely hotter than hot.

I giggle at my own thoughts.

"What's so funny?" he asks, smiling at me as he strokes my cheek.

"I was just laughing at my inner dialogue," I smile at him.

"Oh yeah? What are you guys talking about in there?" he chuckles as he taps against my head softly.

"Good thoughts. Great thoughts, actually."

"That's okay then," he says before leaning over and kissing me softly, yet reassuringly.

"I'm kinda hungry," I say as I realize that I am, in fact, starving.

He chuckles as he starts getting up but I stop him.

"No, don't worry. I'll go down and get something. You have classes and a shift in..." I glance at the wall clock "...two hours. Get some more sleep."

He seems hesitant so I kiss him softly while pushing him back on the bed, which has him encircle me in his steel embrace.

"Sure I can't convince you to stay," he asks as he kisses down my neck slowly and invitingly.

Oh, I would love round two, but I really am hungry, and he groans as I gently push away from him.

"Sleep," I order as I pull a hoodie over my pajamas. "I'll be back before you know it."

I find my way downstairs only to be met with Pavel talking to two other guardians in the kitchen.

"Rose," he says as he walks over to me, dismissing the other two guardians with the wave of his hand. "Thank goodness you're okay."

His concern seems genuine and I again have the thought that we're going to be good friends.

"I'm starving," I admit as I open the fridge. I'm relieved to see left over steak and salad and I grab both bowels.

"You wanna warm that up?" Pavel asks as he hands me a plate and cutlery.

"Too hungry," I say as I dish a plate and start in without hesitation, which earns me a chuckle.

"Aah, you're up at last," Abe says behind me.

I can only smile and shrug with my mouth full of food.

"Pavel, why don't you go catch a few hours sleep. You've been at it for over three days," Abe says as he sits across from me at the kitchen table.

"If you're sure," Pavel says, but he seems hesitant and its obvious he doesn't want to leave Abe.

"Of course. We're heavily guarded not only by our own, but the Academy's Guardians and the wards as well. Besides, Janine will be up shortly. She's not one to sleep in."

This seems to appease him and he leaves without further quarrel.

"So, seeing as though we have a few moments to ourselves, do you mind if I offer some information on myself while you eat?"

"I'd like that," I say honestly before digging in again.

Abe tells me everything. About him and my mom. About how she left, how it broke them both. He tells me how he's always known about me, how he's kept a close eye on me all the years. He says he never interfered because Janine had thought it would be best. He apologizes for his absence, promising me that from now on he will be in my life, no matter what. He skims over his business dealings, not offering much there, but I can gather not all of them are above board.

It's a lot to take in, but he hasn't held back and I appreciate his openness.

"I want to be angry with you," I admit when he's finished talking. "And I want to be angry with mom. But...I can't. And it pisses me off," I say with a small laugh.

"Can we just take it one step at a time? Get to know each other?" he asks hopefully.

"Yeah, I think that's an option," I say with a smile again.

"Did you eat something?" Dimitri asks as he comes in. He's already dressed for work.

"Yes, thanks. More than enough. You want something?"

"I'll grab something at the cafeteria. I have to go past my room before heading to the gym."

Him and my father nod at each other in acknowledgement. They're both smiling so it's not awkward, which I'm thankful for.

"Okay. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself," I say as I frown his way and he laughs as he walks closer and pulls me against him.

"Ozera and Castile are also off, remember? I'm sure between the three of you; you'll find something to do. Just keep it clean," he pleads. "No surprises, please."

"Oh, that reminds me," I say as I turn to Abe. "My friends told me that they weren't allowed in to see me."

"You needed rest Rose," Abe sighs, anticipating a fight. "You can go over your safe list with Pavel when he wakes up so that my Guardians know who is allowed in without asking your permission."

"I was kind of annoyed," I mumble but the only thing that gets me is a chuckle from both my father and Dimitri.

"Hey," I say jokingly as I jab him in the ribs. "You're supposed to be on my side."

"You know that's now how I work, Rose," he says as he leans over and kisses me goodbye. "I'm not always going to agree with you just to keep you happy."

"Oh, you're in for a world of pain, Guardian Belikov," Abe says behind me and I can't help but laugh at how true that sentiment is probably going to turn out being. I like getting my way.

"I'm well aware Mr. Mazur," he chuckles as he walks to the front door. "But she's well worth it!" he shouts just before he closes the door behind him.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I was quite pissed off when I realized there was something going in between you and your mentor. But...when I saw the love that man has for you, its not something one can ignore."

"Yeah," I say shyly. " I keep having to pinch myself for being the one that he chose. Dimitri...he's always been a loner, you know? Being a Guardian, his dedication to it...it never left space for anything else."

"Until he met you," Abe finishes for me.

"Yes, until he met me. That must mean I'm some kinda special hey?" I joke.

"Oh Rose, you've always been special. And I don't say that because you're my daughter. The way you took Lissa, kept her safe, never thinking about your needs. That's some kind of special right there. Its not your bond that ties you to her, Rose. Its your dedication to being the best damn Guardian you can be; it reminds me so much of your mother. You're one amazing person and so is Dimitri. Its almost natural that the two of you fell in love, it makes sense somehow."

His words make me see our love in a totally different way. He's right. I've never felt this way about someone else because no one had ever shared my dedication the way he does. Sure, Eddie is right up there with me, but...Dimitri just takes it to another level...my level.

"My mother...you..."

I don't know how to ask what I want to ask but he must know because he laughs heartily as he gets up.

"Oh Rose, that's something that even I don't have the answer for right now."

"And what is it that you don't know?" Mom asks as she breezes into the kitchen still in her pajamas.

I giggle as my father blushes slightly.

"Oh, nothing much, my dear," he says as he winks at me before leaving us, my mother looking at me with a puzzled expression.

I hold my hands up in defense. "Don't ask me..I'm just the daughter around here," I laugh as I get up too, making a duck before she drags it out of me.

Seems the time here with my parents under one roof might turn out more exciting than I thought!

 **So, Rose is obviously still haunted by what happened.**

 **Hope you enjoyed the interaction with Abe. Wonder what's up between him and Janine?**

 **Let me know.**

 **Xo**


	30. Chapter 30

**Song for this chapter: Love the way you Lie part 2 by Rihanna**

 _Now there's gravel in our voices  
Glass is shattered from the fight  
In this tug of war you'll always win  
Even when I'm right  
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand  
With violent words and empty threats  
And it's sick that all these battles  
Are what keeps me satisfied_

 **Spilt Chapter – first half R POV, second half D POV**

 **R POV**

"You're dead!" I laugh as I knock Eddie on his chest as I straddle him.

Adrian and Christian cheer loudly from the sideline.

We've been in the private gym adjacent to the guest quarters for over two hours and the match I just won gave me the upper hand for best out of five.

"Rematch," Eddie groans as I pull him up. He clutches his side and winces as we walk over to where Adrian and Christian are sitting.

"Later," I giggle as I shove at him. "I'm too tired."

We fall down next to our Moroi friends and I toss him a bottle of water before opening my own and downing the cool welcomed liquid in one go.

"You're good," Adrian says as he stares at me.

"You sound like that surprises you," I say as I lie back on my elbows trying to catch my breath.

"Well, not entirely. I mean, I know you're up for guarding Lissa so that in itself says that you're damn good. I think it's just a different thing seeing it first-hand."

"That's nothing," Christian pipes up. "You should see her fighting Strigoi. She's…"

He stops talking and an uncomfortable silence overshadows us. We haven't discussed what happened between each other yet.

"Rose," Eddie says carefully. "You know none of this is your fault. If anything, we forced you."

"No one forced me, Eddie," I say, suddenly agitated. "I had a choice to make, I could have turned you in, but I didn't. I chose to go with you…even got excited about it. So please, stop pretending that I'm a victim in all of this, because I'm not."

"You wanna talk about Mason?" Christian asks softly.

"No."

"Rose…"

"I said no, Christian! God, stop pushing, please."

"Let it go," Adrian says to him and he glares his way, but Adrian doesn't back down. "She'll talk when she's ready."

Silence descends on us again and I start thinking about something that has been prodding my mind since I went back to my room this morning.

"I want to go back up there," I blurt out before I can stop it.

They look at me like they're confused. Because surely I can't mean go back to the caves, right?

"You're not serious," Eddie almost whispers.

"I am," I say determinedly.

Christian is on his feet fast as lightning and he walks over to me. "Are you fucking insane? Why would you want to do that?"

I get up as well, not liking that his angry stance over me puts me on the back foot.

"To finish them. I heard a conversation outside my bedroom door this morning between two of Abe's guards. There were still some left, they fled deeper into the caves when they saw their numbers reduced to almost nothing. I want to go there and I want to kill them."

Christian shakes his head at me, staring at me like he doesn't know me at all. "It's over, Rose. Done. We made a mistake, one that we will never forget and one that caused the death of a friend…"

"Exactly!" I hiss, not letting him finish his sentence. "Mason is dead because of them. There's a reason they were this close to the Academy, Christian. Think about it. Why risk building an army so close to the wards? It just doesn't make sense. They were planning an attack on us one way or another. Maybe what Abe says is true. Maybe we did inadvertently save the Academy and lives from a full blown Strigoi battle. But my best friend died in there, I fucking killed him! And I'm going to make sure they pay for it!"

I'm shaking as I try to reign in my rage at the memory of driving the stake through Mason's heart.

"Whoah, Rose…your aura," Adrian says and I flinch away from him as his hand touches me from behind.

"Fuck my aura," I mumble as I grab my bag and run out the gym. I'm angry…really angry and being around them right now might not end well.

I make a split decision to walk around the back to the spot we left the grounds. I throw my bag against the back of the school wall and sit down on the dewy green grass next to it.

I stare at the very place we stupidly decided we were tough enough to handle anything outside the protection of the Academy. The place we stupidly put Christian's life at risk. The place that Mason stepped over, unknowingly signing his death warrant.

I try to keep the tears at bay, feeling weak every time they spill from me. But eventually it's no use, and I pull my knees up against my chest, dropping my head forward and letting grief overtake me.

 **D POV**

It's been a long evening so far. The time drags and I swear it stands still a few times too. I know the only reason it feels that way is because I can't stop thinking about Rose.

God, I love that girl. So very much. And that's why fear has lodged itself firmly in my heart at her erratic behavior. I can't bear to see her in so much pain and it kills me to see her filled with the undue rage she carries inside herself.

Today had been different for me, but also relaxing. It was nice to see her unruffled and carefree again, to see her interact with her friends the way she always used to. She was the Rose I remembered and she still seemed that way when I left.

When the class dismisses I wait for Lissa before following her out. She walks a bit away from the other Moroi.

"Was she still okay when you left?" she asks concerned.

"Seemed so. She was with Abe in the kitchen."

"I wonder if they…"

She stops talking as we see Eddie and Christian pushing themselves through the throng of students ahead of us.

Something's wrong. I can see it on their faces.

"Christian, what happened? Are you okay?" Lissa asks as she walks over to him and takes his hand. He's out of breath.

"Talk, Castile," I urge him. He's been training hard and looks like he could do another ten laps before it starts showing.

"She's lost it," he says as he looks at me. He seems angry and worried and helpless all at once. "Rose…she…fuck!" he shouts as he drops his head back and looks up at the night sky.

"Is she hurt?" I ask urgently. I want to run without asking questions but I'm also very well aware that Lissa is under my protection at the moment. This is one of those moments that kept me from loving for so long.

He shakes his head and I calm somewhat but when he looks at me again, he's torn. "I'm betraying her trust," he says hoarsely. "She would never do this to me…to any of us. She had the chance, but she didn't. But I can't just sit back and watch her walk to her death."

That fear that lodged itself in my heart ignites at his words, dreadful flames licking and nipping at my sanity.

"Eddie," Lissa says urgently. "What is it? If Rose is putting herself in danger purposefully, you need to tell us. She's not thinking straight right now."

He stares at her for another few seconds before I see him give in.

"She wants to go back to the caves."

It takes me a few dumbstruck moments to register what he's just said before I pull my phone out.

"Alberta," I say as she answers. "I need two Guardians dispatched to Lissa immediately…no, she's not in danger, but Rose might be…"

Her answer is immediate and I kill the call, literally bouncing on the balls of my feet as I wait for them to arrive. As soon as they're in our sight, Lissa nudges me from behind.

"Go find her," she cries.

I don't wait for her to ask me again.

I run.

I run harder than I've ever run before in my life, all the while hoping I'm not too late.

 **Do you think he'll make it to her in time before she does something stupid? I wonder how Rose will react to Eddie and Christian's betrayal of her trust…**

 **Let me know.**

 **xo**


	31. Chapter 31

**Sorry for the wait, been hectic busy at work with an event I was organizing and running but it's finished now so updates should be more frequent.**

 **Last chapter – Dimitri was heading to Rose after Eddie and Christian told him she was planning on going back to the caves.**

 **Song for Chapter 31 – One step closer by Linkin Park**

 _I cannot take this anymore  
Saying everything I've said before  
All these words they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Less I hear the less you'll say  
You'll find that out anyway_

 _Just like before..._

 _Everything you say to me_  
 _Takes me one step closer to the edge_  
 _And I'm about to break_  
 _I need a little room to breathe_  
 _Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_  
 _I'm about to break_

 **R POV**

I don't allow myself to wallow in my self-pity too long before the irrational anger returns full force.

I wipe crossly at the tears blurring my vision before I unzip my gym bag and dig to the bottom. As my fingers find what I'm looking for they curl instinctively around the cool spirit infused steel and my body starts humming in anticipation at killing the fuckers that caused Mason's demise.

I take my hoodie out of the bag and pull it over my head, hiding my weapon in the pocket before tying my hair back.

My thoughts flicker briefly to Eddie and Christian and my anger surges again. How can they not want to avenge Mason? How can they not see that this is the right thing to do?

I shake my head, clearing them from my mind. I need to focus. Focus. After staring at the invisible boundary for a few seconds, I take a deep breath and step forward...only to be yanked back against a chest I know damn well.

I spin and shove away from him.

"Rose, what are you doing?" he asks cautiously.

"What are you doing here? How did you know where to find me?" I ask, my body trembling and ready to get back to the task at hand.

"I'm on patrol," he says as he takes a step closer to me, but I step back and he stops his advance.

"Well, this is actually working out in a good way," I muse as I glance back to the wards, reworking my plan in my head. Yes, this is actually perfect. I look back at him expectantly. "The two of us can take care of this much quicker than if I were alone. You up for a little challenge?"

"What exactly is it you're planning on doing, Rose?" he asks and I don't miss the slight edge to his oh so heavenly gruff voice.

"I'm going back, Dimitri. To finish what we started. I can't...knowing there are still Strigoi up there...I can't do _nothing_."

"I can't let you do that," he says, his voice now eerily calm. Like the eye of a storm.

"It's not your choice to make," I retort. "Fuck, why can't anyone just support me for once? Is that too much to ask?"

His eyes flash anger and before I comprehend he's right in front of me, the warmth of his godly body radiating against mine.

"Don't try and guilt trip me, Rose. You know damn well I'd do anything for you, but this is insane and against every single fucking rule of the Academy. As a Guardian, I cannot allow this."

I laugh at him sarcastically. I try with every single ounce of self-preservation to curb the burning rage inside of me, but it's no use...it's taken over.

I am no longer its master, I am its slave.

 _Don't! Don't say it, Rose. Please, oh God, please don't say it._

"Yeah, well, as a Guardian you shouldn't be fucking a student either."

 _Cold heartless bitch, that's what you are._

He takes a step back from me, visibly recoils as if I've slapped him. The look of utter shock on his face makes my chest ache.

 _Take it back! Please, take it back before it's too late!_

"Dimitri...I..."

Approaching footsteps cut my apology short and Dimitri turns to the source just as Eddie and Christian round the corner.

"Thank God," Eddie says when he sees me. "You're still here."

I frown at him and Christian as my brain slowly but surely connect the dots.

My plea for Dimitri's forgiveness is instantly forgotten as the demon rears its ugly head inside my chest again.

I look back at Dimitri. "You lied to me," I say softly as I move further away from him. "You weren't on patrol. You were guarding Lissa tonight."

No one says anything. Deathly silence surrounds us as they watch my every move, my every expression.

I fix Eddie in my glare. "You...you rat me out." It's not a question. It's a statement and I don't need a verbal confirmation; the guilt on his face tells me everything I need to know. "I can't believe you would do that to me."

Hurt mingles with annoyance in my voice and I can't do anything else right now but stare at him as his betrayal scratches at my heart.

"Rose, it's not like that..."

 _Wrong words._

"That's exactly what it is!" I hiss as I step closer to him. "I trusted you, Eddie. I thought you were my friend."

His own anger surfaces then at my words and then its him stepping closer to me.

"It's _because_ I'm your friend that I couldn't keep quiet," he seethes. "Did you expect me to just let you run off and get yourself killed?"

"I expected you to come with me!" I shout as I shove him hard enough to move him two steps back.

I see Dimitri closing in on me from the side but before I can turn my attention to him, Eddie speaks up.

"Stay out of this, Belikov. This is between me and Rose. Just two old friends having a tiff," he says all cocky as he steps closer again.

"You want to end up like Mason?" he asks as he stares at me.

"Don't you fucking dare say his name," I say as we start circling each other like we do when we're sparring. "You don't get to talk about him if you can't even see that we have to finish this for him."

"Oh, Rose," he chuckles darkly and I want to plant my fist in his face so badly my hands are itching. "Do you think this is what Mason would have wanted? Because if you truly believe that, then you didn't know him at all."

That's it. That's all I needed to feel the ire snap inside. It's no longer on a leash, its running wild. I attack him without hesitation. This is not sparring. I don't want to play with Eddie, I want to hurt him.

He blocks three of my advances before I get a shot into his side and he grunts as he shoves me back hard enough to stumble.

"Is this what you want? To fight me? I'm not the enemy here, Rose."

He doesn't wait for me this time. Instead, he attacks and I'm totally caught off guard because I was certain he was just deflecting. It never crossed my mind that he would attack me. He rams his full body weight into me and I sprawl backwards, the breath knocked from my lungs as I hit the ground. Before I know it he's straddling me, his hands bound around my wrists that he holds above my head. I struggle in vain and a slight panic tears at the anger I can't get a grip on.

"Or maybe you want to go up there and end up like Mason?"

I struggle again at his words and I'm pissed as hell when I feel tears prick behind my eyelids. "Fuck you, Eddie," I pant as I try to catch my breath under his weight.

"You wanna turn Strigoi too?"

"Eddie, that's enough, man," I hear Christian warn but Eddie doesn't relent and he doesn't break eye contact with me.

"No, Christian, she needs to hear this. Answer me, Rose," he says heatedly as he looms over me. "Is that what you want? Do you want to put us in the same situation you were when you had no choice but to kill Mason?"

I feel the anger seep from my pores into the ground underneath my aching body as my chest constricts with unbridled agony as his words chip away at my heart. I turn my head to the side as the first tears roll down my cheeks. But he's not finished. I feel him grip both my wrists in his one hand and then he's gripping my chin, forcing me to look at him as my insides start to crumble.

"You know if you go up there that's a possibility. Look at yourself. You're barely holding on because of what happened. Even when you're smiling I see the guilt in your eyes. It's eating you alive, Rose. You're slipping away before our very eyes and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Do you know how that fucking feels? Is that what you want for me? For Dimitri? Can you imagine what it would do to him if he had to be the one to kill you?"

A sob escapes me before I can rein it in. Because he's right. He's do damn right. I know exactly what it would do to Dimitri because I know what it would do to me. I can't live without him; and he can't live without me.

Eddie's glare softens to the one I love as the anger ebbs from his handsome face.

"Don't push us away, Rose," he whispers hoarsely, his voice filled with sadness for me. "Mason is gone. Forever. I'm begging you, as a friend and as someone who loves you so very much, please don't cause us to lose you too."

His urgent plea coupled with the fearful and pain filled look in his eye pushes me over the edge and I start crying uncontrollably. He immediately lets go of my chin and pulls me up and against him as he sits back. His arms wraps around me as I drop my head to his chest and I let the tears flow, my sobs embarrassingly loud as it disturbs the silence of the darkness that surrounds us.

"I can't...I...I miss him...so much," I gasp against him as I try to take deep breaths to calm the desolation of Mason's absence.

His hold on me tightens at my words. "I know...I know," he soothes. "I miss him too."

And I know if anyone misses Mason as much as me, it's Eddie. They were best friends. He knows about that void inside of me because he carries its emptiness too.

I manage to get my emotions under control then and Eddie lets me go when I push against him slightly. I get up and turn my back on them as I wipe my face with the sleeves of my hoodie. I wrap my arms around my waist as I stare out into the darkness beyond the wards, contemplating Eddie's words.

"I'm going to head back and let Lissa know Rose is safe," Christian says behind me after a while.

"Yeah, I'll go with you," Eddie says in a tired voice.

I hear them leave and suddenly I'm acutely aware of Dimitri's presence. I'm too ashamed to look at him, my earlier words echoing in my head.

But he surprises me when he steps up behind me and turns me to face him. His left arm curls around my waist as he pulls me flush against him, his right hand gently cupping my face.

"You okay?" he asks softly, his accent caressing my skin and filling my senses.

"Dimitri. What I said earlier...you know I didn't mean it," I say as I look up at him. "Please tell me you know I didn't mean it." My voice is desperate and fragile.

"I know," he lulls. "Don't think about that now."

"I can't lose you," I whisper. "I don't know what's wrong with me. This anger, it's scaring me," I admit and I know he sees the panic in my eyes at my confession. "It's like it takes over and no matter how hard I try, I can't get a grip on it."

I can hear the panic rise as I speak, I can feel it trying to push me under. Dimitri must see it too because suddenly his mouth is on mine, hot and needy and filled with love and fear and godliness. I melt against him as his tongue slides against mine languidly, erasing every single emotion inside of me until there is nothing left but the bursting at the seams love I feel for him.

When he ends the kiss he leans his forehead against mine, our eyes locked and our bodies melded.

"We'll figure this out together, Roza," he breathes and as I keep his gaze I know he means it. "I'm not going anywhere. You…me…us…this right here…this is our strength."

And in that moment, in the belief he has in the words he speaks, I regain some of my faith that everything will be okay.

 **So…how was Eddie? So love him right now!**

 **Let me know.**

 **xo**


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